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Needing advise...might lose my fiancee if I don't figure this out
#1
Last night my fiancee of 3 years told me she is miserable and wants to leave me.. we have been living together for 2 1/2 years, raising my children from another relationship together. I don't want us to end. We were supposed to get married back in December 2015 just going down to the court house, but we have continued to put it off...

Backstory-- when we first met I had just broken up with a man I was with for 6 years, who I had my children with, I knew I was gay at 14 and dated girls until my family pressured me to be straight. The first guy I dated got me pregnant at 17 so I stayed with him and 2 kids later I couldn't handle it anymore. I wasn't happy. I am not into men no matter how hard I tried to make myself straight. I tried to stay with him for the kids. He cheated with upwards of 60 girls. He put me down and was abusive. He ended up in prison and I finally left.
I kind of went a little crazy and had some drunken one night stands with a few women.

My current fiancee &I met online through a mutual friend. When we met I was very inexperienced, I had never gone down on anyone male or female. I had never been intimate truly like kissing passionately, affection, ect. For the first few months of our relationship I was scared to touch her in the bedroom but she did go down on me ect ect. I have horrible anxiety on top of all this in general.
She is 5 years older than me, I am 27. She is very experienced and has been in multiple relationshipsources with women.

Here we are 3 years later, we haven't made love in over a month. I work 11 hour days 4 days a week, she is not working but get's pay for being in the military before she got injured and takes care of our home and children.

Finally last night we are in bed starting to make love and she yells at me a few different times saying I mean not doing this or that right and finally stops me and started saying that I never do anything different and we don't work and we can't be together anymore.

I tried to kiss her and just layer next to her and eventually she rolled over to go to bed. I left the room for an hour to cool off and eventually went back in to go to sleep. She got up and went to the couch. I went out there and asked her why she as acting this way and she just went off.

Basically she said she is miserable and depressed and it's my fault. She said I am not sexualenough. She's upset because I never do anything different in the bedroom and I am not affectionate enough in general. I kiss her all the time I lay all over her constantly. Always tell her how much I love her. I feel stupid in the bedroom, all I feel confident in doing is using my hands, I have gone down on her a few times but i feel like i dont know what i am doing. But I guess I am doing something wrong. How can I be more sexual not just during sex? I don't know if anyone out there has any advice for me I would appreciate it. I don't want to lose her I want to marry this woman.
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#2
Theseissues she has, she's dumping them on you. Then, it seems, she's not quite satisfied with you.

Ok, so whatever the reasons behind thus behavior, why would you want to go through and getting married to someone who is capable of treating you like this?

Are you going to spend your entire marriage taking insults? You shouldn't.
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#3
Possibly arrange some quiet time for the two of you to discuss things outside the bedroom. Ask her what she wants in the bedroom. Maybe search some adult toy websites together and see if there are some things she’s interested in. Ask her about her fantasies; share yours.

You say you don’t know what you’re doing in the bedroom, but if she is very experienced what’s her technique? What do you like that she does to you? What would make you relax more? Why are you feeling “stupid in the bedroom?” Has she said things before that make you feel like this?

Do you flirt with her just doing regular things? Think back to the beginning, what made you fall in love with her? What do you think made her fall in love with you?

How is she with your children? Is she maybe getting tired of taking care of them?

Do you think there is someone else that she’s interested in and this is her way to put everything on you?

I guess I would ask for honesty. I would also demand an adult conversation and not yelling, ranting or whatever “she just went off” means. After 3 years, she knows your weaknesses and history, so you can’t allow her to take control and put you in the receiving end of verbal abuse. You have to see and make sure you stress that she has just as much responsibility for the issues in your bedroom as you do.

I’m not getting where you ever saw or see sex as playful, fun, or positive. Maybe soul search and think of what you need to be more free and less inhibited? You're an adult in your own home, so you should be able to freely enjoy your sexual self.

I wish I could be more helpful.
Welcome to GS and best wishes!
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#4
There are similar threads like yours floating around.
[MENTION=12936]azulai[/MENTION] and [MENTION=23097]Insertnamehere[/MENTION] gave great advice..also there is a possibility her discomfort extends beyond the bedroom.

Give her space give her time..have that long overdue heart to heart. .

If and when it does happen. .
Be prepared to hear things that could hurt you deeply.
Stay calm always..
The more you two talk the better your chances at coming to an understanding.
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#5
do things the old way you might be neglecting her for petty things ...
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#6
Hi Ash, welcome to GS!

Well I think the issue is much deeper and different than just your sexual compatibility. However, it's one issue your partner has brought up, so it's a place you can start. I think you need a sex coach. Yes, they do exist. I know a great lesbian sex coach here, but I found one in Scottsdale. Check this out:

http://www.micheleclarkson.com/

I recommend you two see a sex coach together. If your partner won't go, you should still consider going on your own. From your posting it really does seem like you would benefit from the support and skills that it would offer.

Let us know how things unfold, and good luck to you!
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#7
Ash77 Wrote:Basically she said she is miserable and depressed and it's my fault. She said I am not sexualenough. She's upset because I never do anything different in the bedroom and I am not affectionate enough in general. I kiss her all the time I lay all over her constantly. Always tell her how much I love her. I feel stupid in the bedroom, all I feel confident in doing is using my hands, I have gone down on her a few times but i feel like i dont know what i am doing. But I guess I am doing something wrong. How can I be more sexual not just during sex? I don't know if anyone out there has any advice for me I would appreciate it. I don't want to lose her I want to marry this woman.

Well, if she's clinically depressed it isn't your fault, and she shouldn't lay that blame on your shoulders.

Make sure you two are on the same page with definitions and expectations.

"Not sexual enough" "Not affectionate enough"

You need to ask her what she means by that. And how you can meet her needs.
Those who have HATE in their heart are HATEFUL PEOPLE
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#8
There's lots of different angles to approach this topic from but I'll just pick one that came to mind first. I might be totally wrong about this but I'll try.

Her saying you aren't sexual enough, you don't do anything different in the bedroom, etc. is certainly a problem, but is it yours? She may have been unhappy about your sex life for a long while but if she never brought it to your attention before then that's on her. Even her just saying "you're not sexual enough" isn't good enough either. She needs to be specific. What does she want you to do differently? Does she want you to send her dirty messages during the day, does she want you to talk dirty in bed, does she want you to do X sex act? What does she want you to do exactly? If she isn't specific then she can't complain. That would be asking you to mind read which isn't appropriate or helpful in the slightest.

If she needs you to do something then she needs to tell you what that something is. Afterwards she needs to give you enough of a chance to fix it or make an effort. If she tells you specifically what she wants or how she wants something and gives you six months to make an effort and you don't, then she has legitimate reason to be upset. But to simply say "yeah, you never do this this and this, I'm leaving you" isn't fair. From what it sounds like, communication is lacking here. She needs to communicate to you exactly what's missing and/or wrong and give you an ample amount of time to try to fix things.
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