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One Year
One year ago tonight I sat at this very same computer typing up the Facebook message that smashed open the floodgates of me coming out. I was still in denial at the time. The previous three months leading up to me coming out were hell on wheels. I was extremely socially isolated and cut off from the people around me. I was very depressed and had been thinking about suicide on and off all summer long. Right before the summer started I had noticed I had been only viewing gay porn. I knew something was up at that point. As time wore on noticed as well that my fear of being caught watching gay porn grew less and less.

The first person I told was a bisexual girl from NY who is my friend that I used to hang out with before I moved south. I contacted her via Facebook. She was supportive and I told her I was thinking about telling only my mom and a old teacher that I have kept in touch with through the years. I felt like I had nothing to gain by going public at the time. I was miserable and at the end of my rope. I had researched as many facets of suicide I could during the summer. By September I was at my breaking point. I couldnt run away any more from this secret I was hiding. I did a lot of soul searching and pondering. The only reason I decided to come out was because I was so isolated from the world at the time that I felt as if the world couldnt push me any further away than I already was. I was desperate and had nothing to lose at that point.

On the night of 9/13/2010 I decided to type up a message to my old teacher friend. I sent the message to her a little after midnight. Little did I know that once I hit the send button my life would never be the same again after that. Here is the message:

IDK why Im telling you this.

Hey Ms.P,
I started typing this message then my computer crashed and I had to start over again. Its been awhile since I sent you a message. I do think about you off and on through the week. Its always a pleasure reading your links and post on here. I may not agree with them all the time but they do get me to thinking ouside the box. Through the years your left wing liberalism has rubbed off on me some. You have taught me to be more accepting of groups of people who are different than me. One such group of people are the gay and lesbian community. Being from a conservative background I was always taught same sex relations were wrong and marraige was between a man and a women. I believe we have debated these issues a few times ultimatedly agreeing to disagree. Awhile back you posted a story about a very vocal conservative senator that was against gay marraige that came out of the closet himself. I read the story and was intrigued by it. I dont trust very many people in this world but I do trust you. Ive been doing alot of thinking and it turns out I am bisexual. You are one of the only people Ive told and would like to keep it under wraps. I know you arent going to judge me and thats why I feal comfortable in telling you. I have been in denial for a long time now. I have nothing to gain by going public so thats why Im choosing to stay quiet about it right now. I guess telling you is helping me to accept it as fact for myself. Unfortunatedly I have to close for now and send this but i hope things are going well with. We may not talk much any more since both of us are busy but just know you are in my thoughts fairly often. Cant wait to hear what you have to say.
Love Ben

The cat was out of the bag. Some body else knew my secret and the flood gates swung wide open. Once I realized that every word of the message that I sent was true, a switch got flipped in inside my head. My personality turned on a dime and I hadnt been that happy in 28 years. I didnt know it at the time but I was manic from all the stress that I was under from coming out. The next two weeks were a roller coaster ride with extreme highs and extreme lows. I was a basket case. At my lowest point I was seriously considering admitting myself to the psych ward for my own safety. By the end of the first two weeks I was out to my whole family and a few select friends. Everybody was extremely supportive. For the next two months I was bursting into tears stressed out but I eventually got through it to the other side to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Looking back a year later I am so glad that Im still here and able to type this post. Coming out was one of the hardest things I have done in my life but It was well worth it. I have come a long way in a year accepting myself. My outlook on life has changed definitely for the good. Things really do get better.Confusedmile:
I was in a similar situation. I didn't really get to the point of being suicidal, but I was pretty self-destructive. Living in denial (or shame) of something like this, especially when it comes from influence from family, peers, and close friends, is very damaging. I too wanted to shut myself away from everybody. I was a very secretive person as a child all the way up until I came out myself I even moved across the world to make sure I could be completely alone. I could distance my self from anyone any time I wanted. I had almost completely lost contact with my family; the only contact we had was an e-mail every few months from my parents asking me if I was still alive. I felt so bad, and I wish I wasn't so lonely and anti-social, but I was just depressed and couldn't motivate myself to do anything. This thing that I carried around most of my life and couldn't dare tell anybody was that I was gay, but the strange thing was that I didn't entirely realize it. I had a month off from work, and I spend the time thinking about myself, talking to friends, even getting counseling, and it was such a strange and shocking thought when I first seriously thought about the possibility that I could be gay. It was shocking because I felt happy, but the feeling was so unfamiliar to me that I got scared. But it was good.

Since then, I've been caring more about myself, and I started contacting my family and friends again. Wow, what depression can do.
May I just say how very proud I am of you, in a weird way?
I recognise many of those feelings and what you have explained is an excellent answer to all those cynical straights who look at us with that expression and ask why we think we need to come out.

Well done for getting though another year and I look forward to seeing you here this time next year too.
Marvinteck Wrote:Looking back a year later I am so glad that Im still here and able to type this post. Coming out was one of the hardest things I have done in my life but It was well worth it. I have come a long way in a year accepting myself. My outlook on life has changed definitely for the good. Things really do get better.Confusedmile:

Thank you so much for sharing your story, and thank you so much for toughing it out and still being with us today.

I hope your story serves as insipration for others like you, and I hope that your experience will allow you to reach out to other and hopefully save lives...I'm sure your story will save lives and it's a real credit to you Bighug

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