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Shyness? But not really.
#1
One of the worst feelings ever - anxiety.

The main reason for why I dropped out of my Education degree (unrelated) was due to anxiety. Even just thinking about public speaking would give me anxiety rushes. I can't talk properly and come across as extremely nervous. 1 on 1 or in groups of people I never have a problem with anxiety. To be honest, it's a little bit weird. I consider myself to be actually quite confident, depending on my mood, I'm usually quite talkative and witty with people I don't know on a personal level, strangers, etc. and socializing is just never really a big problem for me.

What's bothering me is that I get the same sort of anxiety (as public speaking - the worst gut feeling imaginable causing vocal problems) when I'm even around guys I find attractive (who I feel might be gay). It's the worst feeling ever, and I have trouble talking, which in any other case is never an issue...
If you weren't some guy who I thought was cute you would have never thunk (word? probably not), it's to the point where I can't even be friendly with them, I can't even look them in the eye. I guess I'm scared of something, I don't know what.
Well I'm not "out" if it's any help, I've only ever been interested in much older guys, not even remotely attracted to most my own age, so I've never really felt the need since a relationship seemed impractical anyway.

It's not the kind of "butterflies in your stomach" when a cute guy is around that you may be thinking of. More like, panic switch on. I guess, in my head I'm prioritizing his perception of me before anything which puts my thoughts into a spiral motion. I'm usually very sarcastic (we don't play bush league here, we're talking some high end comedy shit) and on-the-ball but at the same time very friendly and open as to not come across as a complete asshole. But it's hard to be myself. It's hard to say anything really. It's just that terrible unexpected feeling.

So sorry about borderline doctorate research paper, I guess I'm just curious about what people feel they encounter a cute (possibly gay) guy (or girl). I'm not looking for a "just be yourself" - it's not like that! And I'm also wondering if anyone feels the same way, and to what extent.


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