Kinda inspired by reading Bourani's post, in topic 16162 (I can't post links as a new member).
Once upon a time, I was as frustrated as Bourani with my lack of love life, and thought I was unlovable. Depression/anxiety gone mad; several dozen counselling sessions later, a SAD lamp (google it!), and a few flings, and I learnt I'm loveable and things do get better. It helps more optimistic.
The hardest thing is connecting to other people. Being bullied and suppressed has set up a bad habit of retreating into myself when I feel anxious. I find it difficult to go into gay clubs and have fun, because I'm scared a guy will like me - that'd involve connecting to a stranger in an emotionally intimate way.
In two separate flings my partners' have called me a cub. They said they liked it, but I really like thin muscular guys and want to be like that. I feel I've put my life on hold until that's achieved. Part of me knows that it's wasted time waiting for something that may or may not happen, especially as my time in Canada will be limited. How do I deal with this?
I'm about to move to Canada Toronto, and I do hope that gays in the gay scene are more friendly and forgiving of shy guys. I'm a bit worried I'll find exactly the same thing as Bourani, but also optimistic my British accent might help me out a bit.
The first week there is gay pride in Toronto, my hostel turns out to be right in the middle of the gay area  mile: I want to join in, but feel like an odd ball on my own, and want to go to the bars/clubs but I've never been into a bar (let alone a gay bar) on my own. Gotta start somewhere, what's the worst that can ultimately happen I guess. Anyone else actually gone to pride/into bars and clubs on their own? What did you do? Were strangers friendly?
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I cant say I've honestly gone to bars or to pride by myself. I try to find someone to go with who can make the experience easier to deal wtih and alot more fun. Its not like you have to take a date, but find someone online who will meet you there and hang out with you while you enjoy the scene. Heck you might get a good friend out of it too.
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if you go to the gay bar then just give a quick hi to people,, some will be just like you thinking they are the odd one out, just remember they wont bite-most people are polite by nature so just say hello and maybe make a new friend - chat to the bar man too (we have a member who used to be a bar man for years in gay bars - wish i could remember who-sorry that man  !, he gave great advice when someone asked the very same question as you m8)
as for changing your build then try to be realistic in your goals.... everything is achievable but if your a bigger guy then it would take a lifestyle change through diet and exersise to do this - u need to know you are attractive and lovable in yourself first, then join a gym etc with reachable goals to slowly gain changes in your body , u had flings like u say so obviously u attract the guys mate , now just get your self esteam going agains-specially after something like been bullied - i so hate that happening to good people
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Hello there,
Confidence issues can act like horrible barriers... To help over come them when you return from canada why not take a trip to my home town Brighton only a 50 mile road between us ... If you go into a gay bar known as the zone your find some friendly people there... Dont be frightened to start a convo with a stranger and to be honest its learning about yourself that helps your confidence... I was bullied in school but as soon as i came out i decided to turn my life around and recommend you do that too...
Kindest regards
zeon xx
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Wow, you sound like the spit of me, i've had/got a few problems with body image, shyness and bullying. I've also been called a cub before lol. Its quite comforting to know that im not the only one.
But im sure people will like you no matter what you seem very nice. Just be happy in yourself and people will see that.
But i would also like to know what its like going to bars and clubs alone, i would feel awkward lol
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Well thank you all for your encouragement.
@Story: Where do Americans and Canadians go online to meet other guys?
@zeon: I've visited Brighton yet never made it to a gay bar! I've given up on British gay clubs, we're such a damn reserved culture, I cba with it all! I think experience helps confidence, as we learn that frightening situations aren't frightening at all. Gaining experience involves taking risk, so I'll just have to take the risk and enjoy the fear. I like my life the way it is, thank you very much  
@matty7: Yes, I think you're right. Honestly, what is the worst that can happen? It can't really go too wrong, I'll sit at the bar and ask the bar men about the scene and things to do in Toronto. I lost 5 pounds over two weeks by exercising each day. Gym is too boring. Portion control also seems to work, it's what French women do and it's pretty easy: Eat less more slowly.
@sam2k51: Yeah I was starting to think I was the only one this shy. Someone here must have gone to bars and clubs alone!
Why is "understanding sex" in the topic title? You know what they say, if you can't remember, it was probably a lie.
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Paul1 Wrote:Well thank you all for your encouragement.
@Story: Where do Americans and Canadians go online to meet other guys?
@zeon: I've visited Brighton yet never made it to a gay bar! I've given up on British gay clubs, we're such a damn reserved culture, I cba with it all! I think experience helps confidence, as we learn that frightening situations aren't frightening at all. Gaining experience involves taking risk, so I'll just have to take the risk and enjoy the fear. I like my life the way it is, thank you very much
@matty7: Yes, I think you're right. Honestly, what is the worst that can happen? It can't really go too wrong, I'll sit at the bar and ask the bar men about the scene and things to do in Toronto. I lost 5 pounds over two weeks by exercising each day. Gym is too boring. Portion control also seems to work, it's what French women do and it's pretty easy: Eat less more slowly.
@sam2k51: Yeah I was starting to think I was the only one this shy. Someone here must have gone to bars and clubs alone!
Why is "understanding sex" in the topic title? You know what they say, if you can't remember, it was probably a lie.
For me there's craigslist and to a lesser extent adam4adam. What I did for the Phoenix pride was Post on craigslist looking for others to hangout with me at pride(not meeting up for sex) and I got a good response from an out of town couple who were fun to be with, I had a good time (despite it being mostly shops) and I made new friends. I'm sure there must be sites that could give you the same results over there
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In the UK the most popular is Gaydar for anything and everything, and Fitlads, which IMO is more orientated towards one night hook ups.
Time for a dating website innovation me thinks, they're all a bit crap.
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Hey Paul, I can relate with your struggles of cub / wanting other guys. I have had people like me for who I am even as my weight fluctuated but I wasn't happy until I finally lost some of the post-college weight I had gained (i'd always been skinnier growing up). I'm still a little stocky and would like to improve even more but I'm glad to be better than I was a couple years ago. You can't do it for other people "oh i want this type to like me"... you'll meet people regardless... you have to do it for you.... force yourself a couple/few weeks, and then it becomes more like habit. Every bit here and there helps
Obviously it might be hard until after moving and attending pride, so as for attending that... um.... drink a little? Lol. I don't know. I can be quite shy and self-conscious too so if you figure out anything that works for you, let me know
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haha, well actually I found not drinking alcohol helps enormously. It's harder to feel in control of my emotions if I drink, and my mood is so low the next day it designates the day to glutinous and sedentary compulsions.
It'd be cool to be thin so that I can look in the mirror and go, who's that sexy guy looking back at me?! At 11st5 (159 lbs, 72 kg) guys seemed to look a lot more. Maybe it's a psychological thing, at 12st6 (174 lbs, 79 kg) perhaps the difference isn't massive.
I shall keep you informed!
I wanted to post a picture showing a rather big stone that weighed exactly one stone, but alas, they don't want us to post links until after 20 posts.
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Overcoming shyness and understanding sex
