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Ups and Downs
#1
Hi! I would like to share my story with the hopes of finding understanding and empathy. I was born to a "normal" family that behind the scenes is not that normal. The truth is that I struggle with depression and even suicidal thoughts since I was about 8 years old. I am 24 now.

Now that I am an adult, I don't think my parents do no love me. However, as I was growing up they were very tough on me and said things that no child should ever heard from his parents. Those hurtful words made me think that I was not loved and that I should have died instead of my sister (mom had a miscarriage). I remember till today how my dad once said to me that he didn't care if I was dying, that he only wanted me to finish my homework. I was in 3rd or 4th grade and had a headache and due to that I wanted to go to bed early and not work on my homework. Those words were accompanied by a physical aggression. Mom stood there and did nothing.

They both consciously and unconsciously display a degree of favoritism towards my sister. They constantly reminded me how a better daughter she was because of her better grades and I was punised for my misdeeds and hers as well, because "[I am] the eldest." Dad didn't want to go to my college graduation. Instead, he wanted us to celebrate such accomplishment at my sister's place so that they would be able to see her and vacation in the beatiful Florida beaches. Mom wants to spend Christmas there knowing that I can't go.

When my uncle passed away about 10 years ago, I again had the same thought: I should've died instead. At the time I said that it would've been less painful and that I don't want to live.

The insecurities I developed at home were intensified at school. I suffered from bullying all the way to high school. I didn't trust anyone, particularly boys, and that make my schoolmates to think I was weird. I believe that was because of all the pain my dad inflicted on me. I did not have problems in interacting with girls, not because my mom didn't inflict pain on me but because I saw a maternal and relief figure in my grandma. When I was with her, I felt like safe.

My lack of trust in people prevented me from developing more-than-friends relationships. I have loved people before, but none of them have loved me back. It seems as if they can't find reasons to love me (I posted about my most recent "loved one").

Up until a week ago, I would feel heartbroken, useless and worthless almost every day. But starting last week, I just don't feel anything. I don't cry anymore. I don't feel sad anymore. I feel as if my emotions were "switched off." Pain is gone, yes, but I try to imagine where I will be in one, five, 10 or 20 years from now and I see nothing. I don't feel pain anymore but I don't feel motivated either.
#2
JosefOlive15 Wrote:...Pain is gone, yes, but I try to imagine where I will be in one, five, 10 or 20 years from now and I see nothing. I don't feel pain anymore but I don't feel motivated either.
No one can predict where (or even IF) they will be years from now. The good thing about that is, no matter how down, desolate or numb you may be feeling right now, that need NOT be the way you will feel in the future. The whole point of creating 5, 10, 20 year plans is to set a goal that can be used to guide PRESENT decisions and courses of action; NOT to predict what will be. The future, no matter how well envisioned, is always a surprise.

I've lived a long time now. I grew up in circumstances not unlike those you describe. Emotionally abusive family. Feeling depressed most of my life and etc. It took me a very long time to discover my own path... and to stop torturing myself by constantly reflecting on my past. I didn't do it alone, either. I had help. Rather a lot of it. Finding that help is absolutely necessary IMO. Even if it means giving up everything you've known and counted on as "home" (what should be your "safe place").

This forum is a good start perhaps, but it is no substitute for real-life counseling or therapy. That's what you need. Your future happiness may very well depend on it.
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#3
Welcome to GS mate.

I was abused as a kid (by teachers) and my father wasn't the niceses person on the planet, he used to lost it with so he used to hit me about.

I felt numb when I left school while I was at college (college in the UK is like high school). I used to walk out into traffic etc to try to hurt or kill myself.

I went to a couple of colleges and ended up doing an Animal care course for a year. I actually came out as gay that year and basically started to make friends. Not many but a few. I then had my first bf (turned out to be a arsehole lol) I left an again to study a totally different course Fine art which I loved and I realised that numb feeling had gone, because I was actually enjoying myself for once. I had a job, car and doing a full time course I loved doing and I had a small group of friends. That was over 10 years ago and I've now got my own place and a job I'm liking.

Things will change but it takes time.
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#4
JosefOlive15 Wrote:I feel as if my emotions were "switched off." Pain is gone, yes, but I try to imagine where I will be in one, five, 10 or 20 years from now and I see nothing. I don't feel pain anymore but I don't feel motivated either.

This is called disassociation, or "distancing". Your emotions are still there, and they are festering under that surface of calm, you just can't feel them in this moment. It's a common defense mechanism for those that have experienced continual abuse.

MikeW Wrote:This forum is a good start perhaps, but it is no substitute for real-life counseling or therapy. That's what you need. Your future happiness may very well depend on it.

If you're worried about how others would see you concerning going to therapy, just don't tell them. It's none of their business. Counseling is for YOU, not for them.

Check into mental health initiatives in your area. Sometimes you can find treatment for a pro-rated cost, or even for free.
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#5
What I don't hear from you is you not giving 2 thirds of a fck about your parents. Why, after all this time, do you even still think about them.

To hell with them. You're a grown man and you can be on your own and choose which people you have in your life. That shouldn't include toxic, harmful, damaging, abusive people. To hell if they're family.

And, you need some healing to do. Whatever psychological professional help you can get in order to see a future, do it. Because you have one. You are far too young to not go and do something that's fucking amazing with your life. You have time on your side man.
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#6
I started to think that maybe I was not meant to like men. I think I am just looking for the affection my dad never gave me. Idk.

I'll try to look for help I guess. Thanks for your input guys.
#7
JosefOlive15 Wrote:I started to think that maybe I was not meant to like men. I think I am just looking for the affection my dad never gave me. Idk.

I'll try to look for help I guess. Thanks for your input guys.
And when you do find that (male) affection, you will find it is amazing. In the meantime, try to figure out what you'd like to do with your life that would bring a modicum of happiness (studies or work?) and concentrate on that, as [MENTION=18789]artyboy[/MENTION] did. I think he has a clue to what might lead to better self awareness and better confidence. And it's not a competition with your sister, remember that.
#8
It's really, really important that you get counseling now. Because when that sense of being numb finally breaks, you'll find yourself in danger of doing something impulsive and self harmful. Please take the advice that people have given you seriously and get help.
"That's just the way it is
Some things will never change
That's just the way it is
Ah, but don't you believe them..."
~~~~~~~~Bruce Hornsby,, "That's Just The Way It Is"
#9
I scheduled my first counselling/therapy session for next week. Do you guys think I should comment this to a friend? I was thinking in the friend I had an affair with. Yes, he cheated on his gf with me and yes we had a bit argument about it, but after all he's the only one who knows me 100% well. I am bi and the other half of my sexual desires is still in the closet and that guy is the only one who knows about it (he is kind of in my same position). So idk, in case I need to tell someone, should I tell him?
#10
I'm not sure what telling him will get you. You'll probably be better focusing on yourself, in my opinion.
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