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What personal sexual requirements, like and dislikes do you have?
#21
there are benefits for monogamous relationship.
like barebacking, and extreme intimacy.
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#22
WesHollywood Wrote:I would hate to be like a guy I know who at age 29, had only had sex with three guys! Wouldn't resentment develop about all the conquests missed? We are men. We are dogs. It's just sex!
]

I have not made it a secret that in my 45 years of life I have only had 8 sex partners. I understand that to most gay men this equivalent to my being a virgin.:tongue:

Resentment? No. Regret? On rare occasions I wonder if I missed out on anything... Then I quickly remind myself of such lovely words like Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Hepatitis A, Shigella... there are many other pretty names.

I tried random acts of sex with strangers - with the intent of a one night stand. I am a firm believer that one shouldn't knock something until they try it. I tried it and found that sex was not satisfying with strangers.

But then I look at sex as the icing on the cake, with the cake being a relationship of commitment and love.

As such I do not 'regret' or 'miss' anything from not having hundreds of sex partners. I tried it, found it wasn't for me - no regrets. Well no regrets in that area :tongue:.
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#23
gayusasian Wrote:there are benefits for monogamous relationship.
like barebacking, and extreme intimacy.

Speaking from experience, there is no way to know 100% what your partner does or has done or is doing when you are not standing over them watching them.

I am currently in a long haul relationship nearly 15 years (I need to check the calendar). Over 2 (close to 3) years into a 'monogamous' relationship he tested positive for HIV. For 5 years I believed what his doctor said, that yes it had taken nearly 3 years for him to build up enough of a viral load to be detected. That is until he 'confessed' to me that around 18 months into our relationship, after he had moved in and we had settled down, that he had had sex with his ex...

Needless to say we don't do barebacking anymore. And if on some off chance we break up I doubt I will ever trust a man to the point where barebacking is an option.

As Wes pointed out in his first post:

We are men. We are dogs. It's just sex! Unfortunately there is a heap of truth to that - a very large heap were the few of us who are not doggish end up getting hurt.
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#24
With me i like sex to be sex none of this whips and chains crap or role playing... I like to please as much as i like to be pleased and to be honest if im not happy with somerthing i always request to change it or walk
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#25
Thanks for starting this post!

I'll ask for your indulgence in my post as i fear it may end up pretty lengthy! ahahah

I came out at the age of 35 and got into my first gay LTR at the age of 37. Yes, it was intense, passionate and everything anyone belives true love should be. Now, my new partner, like me, had been married and had kids. We both agreed that being 100% monogamous would not work for us since we'd had so little exposure or experience with gay men. We set up clear rules and for 7 years it worked fine. We, like some who've posted here, had times where we had a number of extra partners (both together and seperate) in a short period of time and then there were times we went months without any extracurricular sex.

Because of that, i can't sit here and tell anyone that monogamy IS or IS NOT appropriate for any couple. I do understand the perspective of the thread's author. WHen you're young, it's totally reasonable for guys to explore their sexuality - both within and outside their primary relationship. And while i'm not necessarily proud of it, i'm sure i've had sex with more than 500 partners since i became sexually active (before you go crazy, i lost my virginity at age 16 - so we're talking about an average of 1 partner a month) - so i did "sew my wild oats."

All that said, i can also tell you that it was the fact that we DID have an open relationship that caused the END of our 10 year relationship. You see, a couple can have clear rules about "tricking." But, when you're involving an outside person into the picture - HE may or may NOT respect those rules. I can't tell you how many guys over teh course of 10 years who attempted to pursue more than a "sexual" relatioship with us - either as a couple or us seperately. Human nature being what it is, it's unrealistic to expect that emotions creep into the "tricking." I can't tell you how many of my gay couple friend's stories of tricks that became friends who ended up stealing their huband away. This usually happens when the primary couple is having issues (money, job, family, etc) - that's the ideal opportunity for a "trick" to become a welcome harbour for a disgruntled partner. Again, based on my past, i'm not saying an open LTR can't or won't work forever.

I will say that living in a town like San Fran, is a DIFFERENT community! The social fabric of the gay community in cities like San Fran and NYC are dramatically different than smaller cities or rurual towns. So the folks he's friends with in San Fran are more of the exception than the rule - not judging just saying.

Ok, now in addition to the risk that a "trick" could fall in love with your partner or vice versa, there's also the issue of STDs. Yes, there's safer-sex, but there are plenty of STDs that can be transmitted even when using a condom (Hep C, Herpes, HPV). Nothing puts a crimp in an open LTR then when one partner gives the other partner an STD he got from a trick. Now, if you're OPEN then you have to accept the fact that something like this is going to occur. But, accepting the fact you ARE going to get an STD as a result of being in an open LTR and actually DEALING WITH THE REALITY OF HAVING HERPES THE REST OF YOUR LIFE - IS A DIFFERENT THING! Just a reality of having multiple sex partners.

Now, fast forward in my life after my 10-year LTR ended, i was single for many years. Despite the opportunity to once again "sew my wild oats" i had come to the conclusion that despite the fun, eroticisim and pure hedonistic benefits of playing around, i decided to focus on simply dating!

It took several years and many dates, but i finally found a man who also wanted a monogamous LTR...AND wanted to make sure that the sex was passionate and alive! We've been togehter for 2 years and have lived out some intense and erotic sex fantasies - NONE of which included having another man in our bed. We've had guys watch us, video us, we've played in bathhouses, on the beach, in adult bookstores - all just us having sex - no one else.

So, i guess my point is, the key to monogamy (for me and my partner) is being open and accepting of your partner's sexual needs, desires and fantasies - in this way we keep our sex life hot, but don't have all the risks of being "open."

Again, every couple - every person - is differnt. If you know you can't be monogamous - then be sure you're in an LTR where he's in 100% agreement with you! And if you DO want an monogamous LTR, you have to be 100% committed to keeping the sex alive! When people say, "the sex gets old with time" is only true when BOTH partners have given up on hot sex!
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#26
Bowyn Aerrow Wrote:But then I look at sex as the icing on the cake, with the cake being a relationship of commitment and love.

I really like this metaphor .. totally true Confusedmile:
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#27
when you're younger your hormones and youth encourage you to be very sexually active. As you actually go past the phase where you have tons of encounters it just starts becoming bland sex because its just a fuck n go, no emotions, they person didnt really care about you, youre just a body for them to use and at some point you get tired of just being a body, you want to be somebody to someone which is why you would then want a monogamous type relationship because its the relationship that matters.

In regards to an open relationship, Im more of the monogamous type myself. I couldnt do an open relationship because of all the problems it forces upon a relationship, the possibility that one partner may end up being unfaithful and leave his partner for another person he found, catching STD's unknowingly because alot of guys dont check and now youve just shared HIV or something like that with your partner, or even the fact that it can substitute for the real thing like some couples i hear about are in a relationship and do stuff together except they dont ever have sex as a couple anymore which i find to be unhealthy in a relationship. To be honest I find very few open relationships that truly work. Most of the time with the older couples as well I find that they switch to open relationship as a last ditch effort to stabilize a failing relationship. They arent enjoying sex as a partnership anymore and instead of actually trying to fix that they resort to hooking up with strangers as a method of fulfilling their sexual needs, realizing that only your partner knows you best in bed and these hookups will not nearly be as enjoyable with the exception of the lust we get for being with someone hot which usually masks that.
The big difference i find as welll is the view on sex. People who enjoy open relationships dont think highly of sex. Its just an act. Whereas a monogamous views sex as an expression of love. Thats why its weird for guys like me(monogamous) to want an open relationship because we would in essence be doing an act which says "i love you" to random strangers who we definitely dont care about.
As far as having experiences sure you need to have experiences but is having sex with only 3 guys bad? Its not a contest to see how many guys you can fuck before you're 30. You can totally learn alot out there by experimenting with your partner as well. Also resentment towards your partner for "not allowing you to run around sleeping with guys" would only develop if you let it develop. In closing though while I try not to judge others, you can see I have some serious doubts about healthy open relationships though. If it works for you man go for it. These are just my opinions and thoughts.
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#28
Story Wrote:when you're younger your hormones and youth encourage you to be very sexually active. As you actually go past the phase where you have tons of encounters it just starts becoming bland sex because its just a fuck n go, no emotions, they person didnt really care about you, youre just a body for them to use and at some point you get tired of just being a body, you want to be somebody to someone which is why you would then want a monogamous type relationship because its the relationship that matters.

In regards to an open relationship, Im more of the monogamous type myself. I couldnt do an open relationship because of all the problems it forces upon a relationship, the possibility that one partner may end up being unfaithful and leave his partner for another person he found, catching STD's unknowingly because alot of guys dont check and now youve just shared HIV or something like that with your partner, or even the fact that it can substitute for the real thing like some couples i hear about are in a relationship and do stuff together except they dont ever have sex as a couple anymore which i find to be unhealthy in a relationship. To be honest I find very few open relationships that truly work. Most of the time with the older couples as well I find that they switch to open relationship as a last ditch effort to stabilize a failing relationship. They arent enjoying sex as a partnership anymore and instead of actually trying to fix that they resort to hooking up with strangers as a method of fulfilling their sexual needs, realizing that only your partner knows you best in bed and these hookups will not nearly be as enjoyable with the exception of the lust we get for being with someone hot which usually masks that.
The big difference i find as welll is the view on sex. People who enjoy open relationships dont think highly of sex. Its just an act. Whereas a monogamous views sex as an expression of love. Thats why its weird for guys like me(monogamous) to want an open relationship because we would in essence be doing an act which says "i love you" to random strangers who we definitely dont care about.
As far as having experiences sure you need to have experiences but is having sex with only 3 guys bad? Its not a contest to see how many guys you can fuck before you're 30. You can totally learn alot out there by experimenting with your partner as well. Also resentment towards your partner for "not allowing you to run around sleeping with guys" would only develop if you let it develop. In closing though while I try not to judge others, you can see I have some serious doubts about healthy open relationships though. If it works for you man go for it. These are just my opinions and thoughts.

I know plenty of very together and loving men who are in open relationships and are NOTHING like the picture you have painted.
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#29
WesHollywood Wrote:Seriously, there have been moments at work that I have rushed to the bathroom, just to get it off in a few quick strokes. It is like any bathroom trip that is ignored, the more I wait, the more I have to go. In addition we do understand that there are times when a simple jerk is preferred to intercourse. I think everyone experiences that on occasion. Just get it over with.

I know what you mean, I deal with it too. You just get the impulse to do something about it because you saw something (or thought of something) sexy and now it's gonna eat at you til you take care of it.

It's damned annoying if you ask me. I honestly wish a lot of times that I didn't feel this compelling need to go satisfy some urges cause I'd rather spend that time playing games or NOT OBSESSING OVER SEX.

I really wish I was asexual every so often, but unfortunately, stuff turns me on.
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#30
BobInTampa Wrote:So, i guess my point is, the key to monogamy (for me and my partner) is being open and accepting of your partner's sexual needs, desires and fantasies - in this way we keep our sex life hot, but don't have all the risks of being "open."

Again, every couple - every person - is differnt. If you know you can't be monogamous - then be sure you're in an LTR where he's in 100% agreement with you! And if you DO want an monogamous LTR, you have to be 100% committed to keeping the sex alive! When people say, "the sex gets old with time" is only true when BOTH partners have given up on hot sex!

The highlighted part above is THE BEST ADVICE for ANY couple...period! So many people let their insecurities guide them and are not open to their partners sexual fantasies because it threatens them or even worse..."It means this...or it means that". If you are not open...they will leave you at some point either physically or emotionally.....
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