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What to do
#1
This is probably similar to so many problems on here, but i'll go with it anyway, even if it just provides a chance for me to get my ideas together!

So i'm out, very partially, as in one of my best mates knows, and some uni friends also know, but to a large proportion of my friends i'm still not out. I feel the time is right to tell them, in the sense i'm seeing someone who i'd like them to meet and feel like a bit of a fraud around them. However I have a predominently male group of friends, we're all into football, going down the pub, all typically "straight" things, and some of the conversations, particularly their views on gay guys have put me off.

I feel its a side of my life i'd like to share, but its not something that defines me and shouldn't (and wont) change me as a person, i'm just afraid they wont see it like that. I never have or ever will do fancy any of my mates, and am the type of person to keep my love life private, so it shouldn't change anything. I like things the way they are a lot, but I cant really keep up their presumption that i'm straight.

So do I tell them and ignore the risks, or just leave it for a while hoping they find out? Bloody brain, thinking over things too much Laugh
#2
Hi SE.

I'm not fully out to everyone - for a lot of the reasons you mention and a few more.

The guys on here will undoubtably have some fab advice for you, they're pretty brill tbh! Wink

The only thing I would like to say is do you maybe have friend within your friendship group who might be a little more understanding than the others right from the start - someone who will stand alongside you as you tell others will be a godsend. Also IMO probably not a good idea to have your partner around when you tell them - a poor reaction may be difficult for him, he can offer you support later.

The guys may disagree with me, and for the most part they have a lot more experience than I do!

Feel free to ask questions, PM of you like. Good luck Confusedmile:
#3
SElondon87 Wrote:This is probably similar to so many problems on here, but i'll go with it anyway, even if it just provides a chance for me to get my ideas together!

So i'm out, very partially, as in one of my best mates knows, and some uni friends also know, but to a large proportion of my friends i'm still not out. I feel the time is right to tell them, in the sense i'm seeing someone who i'd like them to meet and feel like a bit of a fraud around them. However I have a predominently male group of friends, we're all into football, going down the pub, all typically "straight" things, and some of the conversations, particularly their views on gay guys have put me off.

I feel its a side of my life i'd like to share, but its not something that defines me and shouldn't (and wont) change me as a person, i'm just afraid they wont see it like that. I never have or ever will do fancy any of my mates, and am the type of person to keep my love life private, so it shouldn't change anything. I like things the way they are a lot, but I cant really keep up their presumption that i'm straight.

So do I tell them and ignore the risks, or just leave it for a while hoping they find out? Bloody brain, thinking over things too much Laugh

I guess it is a difficult situation to be in. It's a good thing that you've got someone who doesn't belong to the group as that makes things perfectly clear that you're not in love with any of your mates and pining... It's better that you should have that love private but, as you mentioned, it becomes difficult to have to lie or hide a part of your life that is important, even if it doesn't define you. What I think is important is maybe to make it quite clear that you don't fancy any of them and that you are sorted in that department. I just hope that the youth of today is a bit more accepting than it was in our youth, but reading recently in GT about coming out at school today, it doesn't sound as if it's any easier than it was for us. Talk about a conservative society! Well, when you do come out, it'll be time for your mates to learn a lesson, and possibly for you too, as it will undoubtedly sort the good friends from the bad ones (those who will support you, from those who will shy away from you or badmouth you).

Btw, what makes you think that your love interest would like to meet your friends? Has he mentioned it to you? Or is it just something at the back of your mind? Is he also interested in the same things as you and the lads' things?
BiPenny was quite right, in my opinion, to ask you to select a good friend to practise the coming out story with. And maybe that person can help you to reveal that aspect of things. But it ought to happen in YOUR time, not theirs.
#4
Its a good point about maybe picking someone who would take it easier and telling that person first, I dont like the idea of it being something i;d say with an audience anyway!

As regards to the person i'm seeing, he has very very similar interests to me, almost identicle, and would probably get on with them. It would make socialising with both a but easier too, if he could come along too, i;d be seeing mates and the fella too. When mates have girlfriends they socialise too, so it shouldn't (in theory) be any different!

Just never seems to be the right time to say anything Laugh
#5
The youth today is much more understanding, even if they take the piss out of gay people it doesn't really mean that they are homophobic my best friend takes the piss so I came out to him that I'm Bi and our friendship is still strong now his gay shots are still going but he does know that it doesn't bother me Laugh, their just jokes come on who doesn't find them funny when they are ment in a joyful way.

But it really does depend upon the people, different areas have different types of homophobia so I would recommend being careful and try to come out slow, not all at once!
[SIZE="1"]I'm a victim of my own success.
I have never failed, I have just found many ways which are incorrect.
Everyone has a story, some people just have a better way of telling it.
In this Concrete Jungle we live, our survival is love that we give.[/SIZE]
#6
CardShark Wrote:... But it really does depend upon the people, different areas have different types of homophobia so I would recommend being careful and try to come out slow, not all at once!
I understand what you're saying, but I just have a funny image of opening a bag and only letting part of a cat out Rolleyes

Back to SELondon87, I'd probably go for the one friend at a time thing to start with ... and I'd pick my first friend carefully. Other than that, can't your b/f just join in with being your "guest" in the group until he acquires his own status? It will become apparent soon enough to those who are interested that you have a special relationship.
#7
marshlander Wrote:I understand what you're saying, but I just have a funny image of opening a bag and only letting part of a cat out Rolleyes

Back to SELondon87, I'd probably go for the one friend at a time thing to start with ... and I'd pick my first friend carefully. Other than that, can't your b/f just join in with being your "guest" in the group until he acquires his own status? It will become apparent soon enough to those who are interested that you have a special relationship.

I considered that route, especially as we where both due to attend the same football match! But I would have to come up with a reason as to why i'm hanging out with someone (who i would seemingly knoiw quite well) yet they've never heard of him. Cant even use the uni excuse after they came to stay with me there Laugh

On another note, I feel I may say something this weekend, seeing how the convo goes and what the mood is like, i'll prob bottle though haha
#8
SElondon87 Wrote:I considered that route, especially as we where both due to attend the same football match! But I would have to come up with a reason as to why i'm hanging out with someone (who i would seemingly knoiw quite well) yet they've never heard of him. Cant even use the uni excuse after they came to stay with me there Laugh

On another note, I feel I may say something this weekend, seeing how the convo goes and what the mood is like, i'll prob bottle though haha
Whatever you do, I wish you the best.

I never had a gang of friends, so I didn't really have the same kind of thing to deal with. I was pretty much on the outer edge of any social group at school, although I had serial single closer friends. I don't really know how I would have dealt with it in your place. However, coming out in middle age did present me with somewhat different challenges Wink
#9
Told one of my guy mates this evening, an integral part of the group Confusedmile: took it really well, which was nice!
#10
SElondon87 Wrote:Told one of my guy mates this evening, an integral part of the group Confusedmile: took it really well, which was nice!


Good for you, and good for him for taking it well... Yes, it's nice to be accepted as you are. Confusedmile:


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