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need advice
#1
I am dating a fellow right now, very sensitive guy, which I appreciate. He understands I need more time to warm up, being basically a virgin. But he is my first for a few things. O made a fool out of myself flashbacks to child abuse shut my labido down, and kicked me into a defensive place. I know I have to tell him I was abused but I am wondering if it is too soon.
#2
hank Wrote:I am dating a fellow right now, very sensitive guy, which I appreciate. He understands I need more time to warm up, being basically a virgin. But he is my first for a few things. O made a fool out of myself flashbacks to child abuse shut my labido down, and kicked me into a defensive place. I know I have to tell him I was abused but I am wondering if it is too soon.

I think if this friendship is new... and as long you don´t know whats going further, I would just tell him that you had a bad experience but I would not talk about more. If this friendship goes further and becomes deeper... you can talk about everything... but now... I would not do it.
Proud to be Gay & Pagan
)O(

[Image: pentagramm.gif]

31.10 Samhain, All Hallows Eve, Halloween
21.12 Yule
STOP eating Animals !
#3
Well I told him I had some traumatic crap in my childhood, but no more than that
#4
hank Wrote:Well I told him I had some traumatic crap in my childhood, but no more than that

I think thats enough.... in time he don´t need to know more because you don´t know who he is. It always better to be a bit careful with so very private details.
Proud to be Gay & Pagan
)O(

[Image: pentagramm.gif]

31.10 Samhain, All Hallows Eve, Halloween
21.12 Yule
STOP eating Animals !
#5
Hey Hank, I'm a survivor too and, despite being a versatile vanilla and, a BDSM Dom, I still have a few triggers. It's rare form met go into a flashback now but, not so rare for me to go into shut down mode, especially in some of the things I do in RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink)

I used to simply tell my partner that I had experienced some bad trauma when I was young, but that isn't enough. People that haven't been there don't get it and, don't understand why something that happened 5, 10, 20, even 30 years ago can affect you today.

You don't have to go into explicit details, in fact that's usually a bad idea, people don't want to hear that stuff and it turns them off, frightens them, or at the least gets them feeling sorry for you - not good. Here's my speech to a partner, use it or modify it as you like, if it will work for you.

"I went through some pretty bad stuff as a child and teen and some of what we are going to do may remind me of that a little too much. If that happens I will shut down mentally. I just need you to understand that it is no reflection on you or what you are doing, it's my past. I can work past it in a few minutes most of the time so, if it happens, I just need you to ease off and not touch me for a bit, until I get my mind back to the present. If you can do that, we'll be fine together."

I have yet to have anyone run over it, have had a couple that insisted on cuddling rather than backing off, but that's the worst of it. Most understand and, are glad I told them so they know it isn't them or anything they did, and that I went into whatever set me off willingly, so won't be upset with them because I triggered.

SAFE HUGS
Bighug Bighug
#6
Thanks blue, that helps, I will let him know when we get to that point. thanks so much, that sounds like it will be a good way to let him know
#7
no one is getting any younger, if you have not worked out family issues as yet maybe a personal solution may not possible. Search, find the one professional situation that could help. Assuming there are the funds to cover this.

How much lost life does it cost you to ignore it?
#8
pellaz Wrote:no one is getting any younger, if you have not worked out family issues as yet maybe a personal solution may not possible. Search, find the one professional situation that could help. Assuming there are the funds to cover this.

How much lost life does it cost you to ignore it?
I have seen a therapist, honesty blue was more helpful. I never got a how to in the flashback situation, I just fell to pieces, that is humiliating.

the most damage came from my patents, I tried many times to come out, they told me it was a phase or it was because what happened to me. This has only just come up. having mild sexual contact with another man, I didn't know it would effect me.
#9
Yeah, it does affect us, sometime for our entire lives, sometimes not as long but if it is going to affect you in sexual situation, your partner needs to understand that it isn't them and, you are not going to be upset with them in the least when it happens. Once they are okay on that, you can help them learn how to support you and be there for you when you do trigger

Being abused might affect how you express your sexuality and, will affect how you react to certain sexual situation but, it didn't make you gay, like me you were just born gay and, it's normal and right to be gay.

Being gay had nothing to do with you being abused, nothing about you, nothing you said or did, or didn't say or do had anything to do with it either. The abuse was not your fault in any way, shape or form. That is the first thing to remember, the second is that when you trigger, it is in no way your partner's fault or yours, it is only the aftermath of the abuse, and the one to blame for it is your abuser, no one else.

As you gain experience sexually, you may find more things that trigger you and, need to go back to a therapist for help with those. There's no shame in that and, no reason to fear finding those triggers. Once you know them, you can begin fixing them so they won't bother you anymore.
#10
pellaz Wrote:no one is getting any younger, if you have not worked out family issues as yet maybe a personal solution may not possible. Search, find the one professional situation that could help. Assuming there are the funds to cover this.

How much lost life does it cost you to ignore it?

I know your intentions were well meaning and you are just trying to help, but this advice is rather offensive.

There are times when giving advice on a topic that you don't understand, it is sometimes best saying nothing. This is one of those times.

You never get over being abused and there is no amount of therapy that will help with that.

The solution in Hanks situation and the many others like myself in that situation, is to find a way to cope.

Blues advice is superb, probably some of the best advice I have seen on Gayspeak and I am confident Hank will benefit the most from Blue's advice and support Smile


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