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need advice
#11
Blue Wrote:Yeah, it does affect us, sometime for our entire lives, sometimes not as long but if it is going to affect you in sexual situation, your partner needs to understand that it isn't them and, you are not going to be upset with them in the least when it happens. Once they are okay on that, you can help them learn how to support you and be there for you when you do trigger

Being abused might affect how you express your sexuality and, will affect how you react to certain sexual situation but, it didn't make you gay, like me you were just born gay and, it's normal and right to be gay.

Being gay had nothing to do with you being abused, nothing about you, nothing you said or did, or didn't say or do had anything to do with it either. The abuse was not your fault in any way, shape or form. That is the first thing to remember, the second is that when you trigger, it is in no way your partner's fault or yours, it is only the aftermath of the abuse, and the one to blame for it is your abuser, no one else.

As you gain experience sexually, you may find more things that trigger you and, need to go back to a therapist for help with those. There's no shame in that and, no reason to fear finding those triggers. Once you know them, you can begin fixing them so they won't bother you anymore.

You give much, sound advice (and I appreciate you.)

~Matthew~
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#12
Blue Wrote:Hey Hank, I'm a survivor too...SAFE HUGS
Bighug Bighug

This is an awesome post.Xyxthumbs The emphasis on effective coping while enjoying real life is VERY attractive.Wavey
Heart  Life's too short to miss an opportunity to show your love and affection!  Heart
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#13
hank Wrote:I am dating a fellow right now...I know I have to tell him I was abused but I am wondering if it is too soon.


Hi Hank! Best wishes as you sort out the timing and approach. The fact that you care and want to care in this relationship is encouraging and inspiring. Remybussi
Heart  Life's too short to miss an opportunity to show your love and affection!  Heart
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#14
Blue Wrote:Yeah, it does affect us, sometime for our entire lives, sometimes not as long but if it is going to affect you in sexual situation, your partner needs to understand that it isn't them and, you are not going to be upset with them in the least when it happens. Once they are okay on that, you can help them learn how to support you and be there for you when you do trigger

Being abused might affect how you express your sexuality and, will affect how you react to certain sexual situation but, it didn't make you gay, like me you were just born gay and, it's normal and right to be gay.

Being gay had nothing to do with you being abused, nothing about you, nothing you said or did, or didn't say or do had anything to do with it either. The abuse was not your fault in any way, shape or form. That is the first thing to remember, the second is that when you trigger, it is in no way your partner's fault or yours, it is only the aftermath of the abuse, and the one to blame for it is your abuser, no one else.

As you gain experience sexually, you may find more things that trigger you and, need to go back to a therapist for help with those. There's no shame in that and, no reason to fear finding those triggers. Once you know them, you can begin fixing them so they won't bother you anymore.
I am trying to break the idea that I am bisexual because I was abused, I am not sure it matters. My parents linked it to that. I don't know if you ever wanted to be straight or feared being non heterosexual but I desperately didn't want to be. I don't blame my parents, what can you tell a scared teenager who thinks he May be gay to help him. It just so happened I had an experience that was an easy target. And it stopped my worry, only for a short time but a break from the turmoil was all I wanted. They were raised in a world that despised homosexual men. I was raised to think it was wrong, and of course you know I can't change it, not for lack of trying. So I am wrong by my upbringing, it is so hard to break out of that, to reeducate myself.
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#15
CCRox Wrote:Hi Hank! Best wishes as you sort out the timing and approach. The fact that you care and want to care in this relationship is encouraging and inspiring. Remybussi

The timing was terrable, we were messing around and I went to reciprocate and broke down. I was humiliated, nothing kills the mood quite like flashbacks. He was really concerned and supportive. He really likes me, but I don't want to feel fagile, or broken. More so I don't want him to feel sorry for me.

It happened, it was bad, but I don't want it to be a centerpiece of a relationship, or to be a touchy subject that keeps my partner on egg shells.
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#16
It is very hard. I was raised in a similar environment, being anything but heterosexual was a horrible, ugly sin that condemned you to a life of misery, ostracism and, eventually Hell. Breaking free of that is the hardest thing you will ever do - you are fighting your subconscious and the basics of human nature. We are not designed to do this at all, but some of us have to do it for our own sanity and, to ever have any hope of healing and feeling whole again.

As infants and young children we are entirely dependant on our parents for our very survival, we are designed to trust them without question from birth. Whatever Mom and Dad say is the gospel truth, it's right, perfect, and there is no other way, no matter what we think or feel, if it doesn't agree with them, we automatically KNOW we are wrong. Even as adults, though we can see they were wrong logically, our instincts and subconscious still try to tell us they were right.

In actually internalizing the fact that the were wrong and making that our truth, we are reprogramming what was programmed by default before we were even born. You might think you lack mental fortitude, internal strength or will power but, I promise you, when you succeed at this, you prove you have more of all of those than the majority of the human race. Grab it, use it and, be the best you that you can be.

I did it, and it's that strength, fortitude and will power that has let me overcome as much of my abuse ad I have, it those same things that prevented the abuse form destroying me in the first place. That's how I KNOW you have it all too - you survived, you are okay enough to want to try a relationship that is going to involve sex so, you have what you need to get there. Never doubt yourself, never doubt that your sexuality is exactly what it is supposed to be and never doubt that you can overcome anything you want to overcome, be who you want to be and, love being you.

Yes it's a long, hard road, but the road is there, get marching and, someday, you will see more of that road behind you than in front of you, and eventually you will be looking out the door of your happy, fulfilling, thriving life and see every inch of that road stretched out behind you, and you will be able to smile and say "Look at me world I did it, I'm here, I'm great and you will NEVER put me down again."
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#17
Thanks, blue. so much for your wisdom. I am in tears right now because it seems that it is possible to be happy. That all of my anguish will be worth it.

You really sound like you care, its the first time I have felt this way.

Thank youso much
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#18
hank Wrote:The timing was terrable, we were messing around and I went to reciprocate and broke down. I was humiliated, nothing kills the mood quite like flashbacks. He was really concerned and supportive. He really likes me, but I don't want to feel fagile, or broken. More so I don't want him to feel sorry for me.

It happened, it was bad, but I don't want it to be a centerpiece of a relationship, or to be a touchy subject that keeps my partner on egg shells.

No reason it should be the centerpiece for more than an hour or two while you talk about it with him but, he's seen the worst and didn't run. That's a very good thing. If he gave the right support it's very possible he is survivor aware already or just naturally good with you.

Either way, time to talk. Form the sounds of he isn't going to run, not many do if they really care about us. They just need to understand what we need from them when we do trigger.

You also need to understand that he is going to feel sorry for what happened to you but that doesn't mean he feels sorry for you as a whole. I've had partners cry more than I did over seeing me go through a flashback, it hurts them to see the one they love hurting, same as it would hurt you to see him hurting.

Tell him that you are not fragile and that it's okay for him to be concerned, and hurt when you trigger, that's normal. Just tell him you are inexperienced and aren't sure what all might trigger you, but you want to find out what's enjoyable for both of you and what triggers you. Explain that once you know a trigger, both of you can work together to make that okay for you, or find a way to work around the trigger.

I'd also suggest you have a safe word for when you are engaged in sexual activity, a word you will both remember but, would not normally say while making out or having sex. I use "RED!" and if I call "RED!" my partner know to stop and back off immediately, I am going to have a flashback and, I can't stop it.

Other than that communication is vital, you need to tell him when you are uneasy, and what you need him to do. Stop but stay there, back up to what you were doing a minute ago, slow down and just cuddle for a bit, or go get a glass of water and let you get you head back in the game.

Yeah I know, it's a mood killer, but it doesn't have to kill the mood for long. In no time, you'll find your fall back, the thing you can do that' entirely okay and gives you both pleasure. Anything intimate that you can do together and, that will keep you both from being frustrated because you triggered. It won't be what you started out intending to do, but it will be shared pleasure and, that means a lot in a relationship.

Oh and, if it will help, feel free to copy and print my posts in this topic and, let him read them, or send me a private message for yourself or on his behalf.

I don't talk about the details of my abuse much, just because most people don't want to know that stuff. We all like to think people can't really be that horrible to a child but, it doesn't upset me to talk about it in detail with another survivor, so any of you on here can send me a private message if you want to. I assure you nothing will shock me, I won't judge you. I know too well the mix of emotions we, as survivors, go through.

I just don't think some of the details you may need to talk about need to be posted publicly, and, I know the non survivors here don't want to read that stuff, so if you need to talk in detail, let's keep that to private messages.
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#19
Thanks blue
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#20
Hi hank, Sorry to hear of ur past..i was in the same type of relationship once..with a bi guy who was new to the whole guy guy thing. and i was his first spaceboy..and he had trauma from the past. ..things were at a Heart/soul Level with us when he could finally. trust my inner being as his equal.and see past the idea he'd been so iclined to picture. since im not your a typical man..And i felt Good trust is the key. gotta be one with the mind body and spirit with another to let..go. and share your inner secrets youll know when the time is right..and you take all the time you need..its not easy. if the person your seeing is the one..the future seems bright for u my friend,your already reaching out to others..to feel peace..,Reach high for the stars handsome!! Good luck w ur relationship!
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