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new gym buddies??
#1
hello all!

my BF and i have known each other for about 8 months now but started seriously dating two months ago. we've had our ups and downs but for the past few weeks all was great. whenever we have free time from work we are usually together and i either sleep at his house or he at mine (two or three times a week). despite these past few misunderstandings, we both feel we really like each other so that drew us together time and again, though.

anyhow, ive met most of his friends now either in person or by name, and ive introduced him to some of mine.

last night i slept at his house and today we spent the day together. he usually goes to a gym close to his place in the evenings at which time i take the opportunity to take care of stuff back home - and we usually meet up afterwards for dinner, a drink or what not. when he comes to sleep over at my place, he decides to go to a gym nearby since its part of the same brand of gyms he is a member of; and then he comes to my house.

so, today as he prepared to go to gym and me back to my house, i asked him if he would come sleep over afterwards. in a way he let me know that he wanted to sleep at his house tonight and be alone with his thoughts - he is a bit stressed from work and has other professional concerns i am aware of. so i was glad to give him the space he needed and didnt think twice about it.

yet, when we left his building he said he was going to the gym near my house because "*his* gym would be full of people and his gym partner (one of his friends) didnt reply to his message earlier about going.

at that point i ask him if he was going to go all the way to my neighbourhood and dont stay at home. i thought that was weird... so he replied saying he would call me when he left the gym.

he didnt call.

but i did, much later knowing the gym had closed by then hours ago. he told me he was at his house with "friends" having dinner (didnt mention any names) and when i told him he hadnt called he said "sorry ya they brought me back (from the gym) home and i completely forgot".

1. he never 'forgets to call' - in fact, he seeks me far more than i do him.
2. who on earth are these "friends"? and from my neighborhood's gym??


anyhow, my head alarms are ringing non stop. any ideas? am i being too paranoid?
#2
Hi Aeneas,

Unfortunately I have more questions than answers.

Are you being Paranoid ? Maybe, cautious for sure.

Has your partner ever cheated on you?

Are you in an exclusive relationship?I ask because in this day and age you need to set guide lines in your relationship, you don't want to play the "I never said game"

From the limited information I have from your post , I can not tell you if he is cheating or not.

I can tell you one thing for sure , if you do not have trust as your corner stone, your relationship is doomed for failure.

Ask him , but be careful , you do not accuse him.
And what ever you do , do not turn into his stalker by d.ancing around the truth

We are all here for you.
#3
I will suggest the obvious: just openly ask him who these people were. You have good cause to ask yourself (and him!) why he didn't call you when he generally doesn't fail to do so. Maybe it is nothing and it's not worth making a fuss about. Maybe you have a reason to feel insecure about this, but maybe not. Sometimes we don't get to do what we'd like to and maybe he didn't feel it was appropriate to call you once his friends were having dinner with him. It sounds as if it wasn't planned and maybe he didn't want to cause you alarm or make you feel left out, but if that was the case, it seems to have backfired. Maybe he thought you wouldn't find out and everything would be fine. Well, that has failed too. How come he did not suspect that you'd call him if he didn't call you?

Maybe you should just let him know that you were counting on a call and remind him that when you didn't get the call, it made you nervous and worried because it as not in his habits. I'm sure he'll understand that. I hope he'll apologise.

Is it possible that he's not quite ready to give up his bachelor's habits by committing to your relationship more deeply? You might ask him that too. This is what I'm sensing from the fact that you are both retaining your own apartments on either side of town. After all, if you're not a controlling person, you ought to be entitled to the same respect you show him. It looks as if you haven't yet crossed that threshold where you live together full time. Maybe there's a reason for that. As Mum said, we don't know what sort of rule prevails in your relationship regarding seeing other people.

Some men do enjoy thinking that they have entire freedom to do as they please, but in a relationship there is no such thing as total freedom if the relationship is to last. There must be trust too and it seems to me you are now having trust issues. I think it would be fair to let him know that. I hope he apologises for putting you through this worry (or fear).

I don't know how your previous relationships have been in the past and whether you've had to deal with stuff like this before, but it's only normal to want to break a bad pattern if you see it repeating itself.

In any case, good luck with the talk and take care. You obviously don't want to antagonise him, but you do need answers. As Rainbowmum said, we are here for you.
#4
hi thank you guys for the insight.


i terminated the relationship.


he claimed he met by chance an old friend from his local town who drove him back to his house and there they called up a third friend - from their local town too.


he tried calling my mobile when they left, i wouldnt answer, but we did exchange a few words on whatsapp - i told him i was going out - alone - and didnt feel like talking. i made sure he knew i was pissed off and why.

anyhow the following day we met at a cafe and i ended the relationship. he was devastated. i am heartbroken.

i dont know whether to believe his story or not - but that is not why i broke up. the fact that he completely forgot about me under the circumstances i described above i just could not digest.

we do (did) have an exclusive relationship but a couple of months ago when we starting dating seriously we had a fight one day and he snogged a guy at a nightclub right in front of me. he left with that guy. i was going to terminate the relationship then and there but he came over to my house, threw at me some ancient history of my "mistakes" from the time we weren't even dating and apologised. he did feel rather bad about it too.

but that act conditioned everything. i told him he would have to be extra careful and caring because at the smallest misstep i would explode. and that misstep came yesterday.

so thats that.

what ever happened to people who say they love you and *dont* forget about you when they meet up with someone else and said they would get in touch?
#5
oh cmon people someone tell me i made the right choice..
#6
I wouldn't have done this in this situation. He may have been excited to see friends that he hadn't for some time, and calling you just slipped his mind. Not everybody lies about what they do. And if he apologized the last time he offended you, I would think he is humble enough to do it again.
#7
Aeneas Wrote:oh cmon people someone tell me i made the right choice..

In my opinion you made the right decision.....
Take care and all the best.........
#8
Aeneas Wrote:... couple of months ago when we starting dating seriously we had a fight one day and he snogged a guy at a nightclub right in front of me. he left with that guy. i was going to terminate the relationship then and there but he came over to my house ...
i think this event evaporated all the trust out of the relationship.
#9
Without knowing all the details that you said you made in the past before you were officially together its hard to say. But since you mention previous mistakes in the past, that first fight is then a wash in my book.

Personally, I think you made a mistake. Not everyone is perfect. It sounds like he just wanted to hang out with his friends for a change. Maybe planned, maybe you cough him. Maybe he was afraid to exclude you. There is things I tell my friends I don't tell my other half. Maybe I want to talk about my relationship. Or maybe I just want to act crazy with my friends which I don't want you to see because I want you to only see the best side of me.

If he really wanted to cheat, he would have not told you he was going to call. He would not told you someone was at his house. And he would have not set up a situation where he was going to be in your neighborhood but not see you. He would have said he was going to be busy all night (insert excuse) and don't try to get a hold of hm.
#10
You did it right. From what you described. He has cheated on you not only 1 time but several times.

Don't tolerate, you deserve a better guy.


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