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the beginnings
#1
i wanted to initially post this to that self-acceptance thread but i understood it might be a little off topic. but i wanted to share this and maybe hear how it was for other guys here as well. it's about how i knew i was gay and the whole process of becoming aware of my sexuality.

i knew i liked my own sex already from the age of 5. mind you, it wasn't anything sexual at that time. but i had thoughts in my head which concerned holding another boy and being held by him. i remember that i had this distinct liking to guys' arms, i wanted them around me. (this might be the very reason i find guys' arms one of the sexiest body parts now). that's how it started.

there was another incident back when i was a kid. i don't fully know what to make of this but i must have had some partial sexual cognition already very early on, although it was not something i was aware of or could make sense of. my mom had this guy friend that visited us sometimes. one day we were laying on the bed, i don't remember who was there first or how we got there but i do remember it was a completely innocent thing. i think he was waiting on my mom for something. and at one point i took his hand and placed it on my genitals. i did that. i have no idea what the fuck was going through my head. i didn't even know what sex was. i think i was 6 at the time. it came out of some instinct and fully naturally on my part. i just wanted that closeness and i liked it what happened. i remember he rubbed me for while, i remember i held his hand and pressed into it. it wasn't even sexual the way i know sexual now, it just felt good. he was the one who stopped it. i don't remember what exactly happened there but he took his hand away and left the bed. nothing like it ever happened again, with him or any other guy. i think on my part it was a circumstantial thing. i found myself in close physical proximity with a man who was a friendly presence, some thoughts must have been going through my head, and i acted out of some instinct. i didn't really think much of the thing back then, and of course i couldn't make sense of it, but i know i didn't walk around wanting men to touch me like that yet. that completely came out of the blue.

back to where i was left off before the incident recount. when i was 7 or 8, those thoughts moved on to kissing and different scenarios that centered around physical intimacy with boys i liked. again, nothing sexual yet, but i felt physical pleasure. it made me feel good, physically and emotionally, thinking about that and i wanted that what i thought about. it wasn't all about physical well-being though, it was also about wanting to be with the boy i liked. i wanted to spend my days with him, know him, be together with him. this is what i now, in retrospect, identify as desire of a formation of a stable lasting connection and its natural consequence -- relationship. but back then i didn't know that. this is where things stayed for years till i was about 13 or 14 years old and discovered a whole new thing -- masturbation and orgasms.

after i discovered masturbation and understood what sex was, i could immediately place the above-mentioned desires and impulses into the context of sexuality. so i knew right away that i liked men sexually, i never thought of girls that way. there was never even a doubt about where my attractions lay thanks to this. because i knew i had been like this ever since i could remember. i don't know if it was this conscious experience of my budding physical urges from early on, or the fact that i've never been the self-repressed or self-hating type, maybe the combination of both, but i never had a problem with my homosexuality. it was natural and self-explanatory to me. i identified the problems with it in the outside world, but my reasoning was that it was the other people's misconception, not my fault.

i think this whole subject is fascinating, and i would like to hear other guys' experiences. if you're willing to share.
#2
Interesting, interesting!

I always want to know this kind of story. I will post mine on some free time. There are lots of embarrassing things that I wonder if I should share it with you though :redface:.
#3
i don't think there's anything embarrassing about a man's sexual awakening and self-discovery/exploration. i'd love to hear it. or you can wait till you can post anonymously. Smile
#4
Hmmm am I the only one who's disturbed at the idea of a grown man rubbing on a six year old?

No offense, man, but though you might have been too young to realize it was sexual or wrong...your mother's friend was -not- and what he did, in my opinion went way, way, way beyond the scope of okay or right or moral.
[Image: gid02a.jpg][Image: gid02b.jpg]
#5
I don't talk much about my childhood sex play memories cuz they're embarrassing as hell. hahahha! But I have pretty vivid memories all the way back to being in diapers. I can say one thing for sure about me after the age of five. There must have been no doubt in the minds of my parents or my older brother that I wasn't heterosexual. I came out with some lines that now I sure wish I'd never said. --- like the day I rode with my mom at age five to pick up something at one of her friends house. There were boys about 8 to 10 playing outside with their shirts off. I wanted to meet them and said some pretty gay things about how good they looked.

Then ... I ALWAYS had crushes on my brothers hunky friends and no one told me to hide it when I was young. I remember my brother having five of his friends in his room and them asking me which of them I liked best and me telling them. Here's the CRAZY part of all that which sort of warped me when I was in my teens. There were two of my brother's friends I had bad bad crushes on up to age 12. One of them is now a female impersonator in NYC. The other has undergone the full transition to become a woman and is an attorney in South Florida. Freaky. They really preyed on me when I was 17 and 18, making me wonder if I'd be like turn out like one of them.

I'm glad my parents and brother don't bring all that up to embarrass me now. But they've all said they always were pretty sure I wasn't going to turn out to be heterosexual and they just pretty much gave me 20 years to figure it out for myself and tell them when I was sure.

When I look back at it all and wonder --- I can't buy the bullshit some parents come off with about having no ideas their children are gay until they were told by their kids. They'd have to be totally stupid and blind not to figure it out. I can spot it in kids. I know one of my brother's daughters is definitely going to be a pretty lesbian. She's nine and like camo clothes, dirt bikes, four wheelers, baseball, softball and hangs out with boys while her older sisters and their friends play with make up and jewelry. hahahaha! It's a good thing my brother & sister in law are as cool about it as my parents were about me!!!!! Otherwise Mom and I'd be stealing her! Oh! and she has more ball caps and boys style hats than any boy I know! too cool.
[COLOR="Blue"]People should be able to defend what what they believe, do and say.
Otherwise they will begin believing, doing and saying things that are indefensible.[/COLOR]
#6
I was at a friend's birthday party when I was six. I don't remember why but I had a breakdown and started to cry like there's no tomorrow. Well, my friend's dad comes to calm me and I vividly remember, through watery eyes and stuff, that I desperately wanted to kiss him. It felt so strange back then.

And I had a crush on my friend too. OF FUCKING COURSE.
#7
Rob Wrote:I was at a friend's birthday party when I was six. I don't remember why but I had a breakdown and started to cry like there's no tomorrow. Well, my friend's dad comes to calm me and I vividly remember, through watery eyes and stuff, that I desperately wanted to kiss him. It felt so strange back then.

And I had a crush on my friend too. OF FUCKING COURSE.

a six year old pervert.... all I can think about is creepy old men reading that and getting excited. hahahahhahahaha!
[COLOR="Blue"]People should be able to defend what what they believe, do and say.
Otherwise they will begin believing, doing and saying things that are indefensible.[/COLOR]
#8
Gideon Wrote:Hmmm am I the only one who's disturbed at the idea of a grown man rubbing on a six year old?

No offense, man, but though you might have been too young to realize it was sexual or wrong...your mother's friend was -not- and what he did, in my opinion went way, way, way beyond the scope of okay or right or moral.

Nah, I don't really think that there's something wrong here. In Asia culture, pretty much everywhere in Asia, baby boys are more favorable (it's about genetic inheritance or something). If a family has a boy, they will treat him as if he were treasure. Gently touching his genital is quite common. And in fact, if I remember right, I saw it even in a movie.

However though, things like pedophile just creeps people out. I heard that lots of Vietnamese when they come here, they are really disappointed for not being allowed to touch their own son's genital. Some even have to go to court for that.

This only happens to boys; they never touch their daughter's genital. Just want to emphasize HOW MUCH FAVORITISM ASIAN PLACE TOWARD BOYS OVER GIRLS.

As for me, I do think baby boys are cute, including their genitals, but I never have the need to touch them. I don't have that kind of favoritism, but I always find that boys are cuter, more playful, and wear cuter clothing than girls.

On a side note, I too was surprised when I first read an adult rubbing a child in this US culture. Isn't that act illegal here!
#9
Gideon Wrote:Hmmm am I the only one who's disturbed at the idea of a grown man rubbing on a six year old?

No offense, man, but though you might have been too young to realize it was sexual or wrong...your mother's friend was -not- and what he did, in my opinion went way, way, way beyond the scope of okay or right or moral.

was that one thing all you saw in there? it was part of a bigger picture.

you'd have to have some neural wiring gone bad not to see it as disturbing. did i ask about whether he was right or wrong though?

this thread is not about whether my mom's friend was right or wrong or moral. i remember wanting to share my process on how i discovered my sexuality and asking others their experiences and how they came to terms with it, if they had to. if they want to share it. i'd appreciate it if you respected that and didn't steer it off topic.
#10
memechose Wrote:I came out with some lines that now I sure wish I'd never said. --- like the day I rode with my mom at age five to pick up something at one of her friends house. There were boys about 8 to 10 playing outside with their shirts off. I wanted to meet them and said some pretty gay things about how good they looked.

Then ... I ALWAYS had crushes on my brothers hunky friends and no one told me to hide it when I was young. I remember my brother having five of his friends in his room and them asking me which of them I liked best and me telling them.

I'm glad my parents and brother don't bring all that up to embarrass me now. But they've all said they always were pretty sure I wasn't going to turn out to be heterosexual and they just pretty much gave me 20 years to figure it out for myself and tell them when I was sure.

sounds like you had cool parents and brother. sounds like they let you have your freedom when growing up.

i had that. i was given a lot of freedom when i was a kid and i was let to figure things out on my own too. nobody pushed anything on me. i'm entirely grateful to my mom for raising me that way.


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