the beginnings
09-09-2014, 08:03 PM
i wanted to initially post this to that self-acceptance thread but i understood it might be a little off topic. but i wanted to share this and maybe hear how it was for other guys here as well. it's about how i knew i was gay and the whole process of becoming aware of my sexuality.
i knew i liked my own sex already from the age of 5. mind you, it wasn't anything sexual at that time. but i had thoughts in my head which concerned holding another boy and being held by him. i remember that i had this distinct liking to guys' arms, i wanted them around me. (this might be the very reason i find guys' arms one of the sexiest body parts now). that's how it started.
there was another incident back when i was a kid. i don't fully know what to make of this but i must have had some partial sexual cognition already very early on, although it was not something i was aware of or could make sense of. my mom had this guy friend that visited us sometimes. one day we were laying on the bed, i don't remember who was there first or how we got there but i do remember it was a completely innocent thing. i think he was waiting on my mom for something. and at one point i took his hand and placed it on my genitals. i did that. i have no idea what the fuck was going through my head. i didn't even know what sex was. i think i was 6 at the time. it came out of some instinct and fully naturally on my part. i just wanted that closeness and i liked it what happened. i remember he rubbed me for while, i remember i held his hand and pressed into it. it wasn't even sexual the way i know sexual now, it just felt good. he was the one who stopped it. i don't remember what exactly happened there but he took his hand away and left the bed. nothing like it ever happened again, with him or any other guy. i think on my part it was a circumstantial thing. i found myself in close physical proximity with a man who was a friendly presence, some thoughts must have been going through my head, and i acted out of some instinct. i didn't really think much of the thing back then, and of course i couldn't make sense of it, but i know i didn't walk around wanting men to touch me like that yet. that completely came out of the blue.
back to where i was left off before the incident recount. when i was 7 or 8, those thoughts moved on to kissing and different scenarios that centered around physical intimacy with boys i liked. again, nothing sexual yet, but i felt physical pleasure. it made me feel good, physically and emotionally, thinking about that and i wanted that what i thought about. it wasn't all about physical well-being though, it was also about wanting to be with the boy i liked. i wanted to spend my days with him, know him, be together with him. this is what i now, in retrospect, identify as desire of a formation of a stable lasting connection and its natural consequence -- relationship. but back then i didn't know that. this is where things stayed for years till i was about 13 or 14 years old and discovered a whole new thing -- masturbation and orgasms.
after i discovered masturbation and understood what sex was, i could immediately place the above-mentioned desires and impulses into the context of sexuality. so i knew right away that i liked men sexually, i never thought of girls that way. there was never even a doubt about where my attractions lay thanks to this. because i knew i had been like this ever since i could remember. i don't know if it was this conscious experience of my budding physical urges from early on, or the fact that i've never been the self-repressed or self-hating type, maybe the combination of both, but i never had a problem with my homosexuality. it was natural and self-explanatory to me. i identified the problems with it in the outside world, but my reasoning was that it was the other people's misconception, not my fault.
i think this whole subject is fascinating, and i would like to hear other guys' experiences. if you're willing to share.
i knew i liked my own sex already from the age of 5. mind you, it wasn't anything sexual at that time. but i had thoughts in my head which concerned holding another boy and being held by him. i remember that i had this distinct liking to guys' arms, i wanted them around me. (this might be the very reason i find guys' arms one of the sexiest body parts now). that's how it started.
there was another incident back when i was a kid. i don't fully know what to make of this but i must have had some partial sexual cognition already very early on, although it was not something i was aware of or could make sense of. my mom had this guy friend that visited us sometimes. one day we were laying on the bed, i don't remember who was there first or how we got there but i do remember it was a completely innocent thing. i think he was waiting on my mom for something. and at one point i took his hand and placed it on my genitals. i did that. i have no idea what the fuck was going through my head. i didn't even know what sex was. i think i was 6 at the time. it came out of some instinct and fully naturally on my part. i just wanted that closeness and i liked it what happened. i remember he rubbed me for while, i remember i held his hand and pressed into it. it wasn't even sexual the way i know sexual now, it just felt good. he was the one who stopped it. i don't remember what exactly happened there but he took his hand away and left the bed. nothing like it ever happened again, with him or any other guy. i think on my part it was a circumstantial thing. i found myself in close physical proximity with a man who was a friendly presence, some thoughts must have been going through my head, and i acted out of some instinct. i didn't really think much of the thing back then, and of course i couldn't make sense of it, but i know i didn't walk around wanting men to touch me like that yet. that completely came out of the blue.
back to where i was left off before the incident recount. when i was 7 or 8, those thoughts moved on to kissing and different scenarios that centered around physical intimacy with boys i liked. again, nothing sexual yet, but i felt physical pleasure. it made me feel good, physically and emotionally, thinking about that and i wanted that what i thought about. it wasn't all about physical well-being though, it was also about wanting to be with the boy i liked. i wanted to spend my days with him, know him, be together with him. this is what i now, in retrospect, identify as desire of a formation of a stable lasting connection and its natural consequence -- relationship. but back then i didn't know that. this is where things stayed for years till i was about 13 or 14 years old and discovered a whole new thing -- masturbation and orgasms.
after i discovered masturbation and understood what sex was, i could immediately place the above-mentioned desires and impulses into the context of sexuality. so i knew right away that i liked men sexually, i never thought of girls that way. there was never even a doubt about where my attractions lay thanks to this. because i knew i had been like this ever since i could remember. i don't know if it was this conscious experience of my budding physical urges from early on, or the fact that i've never been the self-repressed or self-hating type, maybe the combination of both, but i never had a problem with my homosexuality. it was natural and self-explanatory to me. i identified the problems with it in the outside world, but my reasoning was that it was the other people's misconception, not my fault.
i think this whole subject is fascinating, and i would like to hear other guys' experiences. if you're willing to share.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
