I have been dealing with some form of anxiety disorder for pretty much my entire life. Just been a nervous boy as far back as I can remember. Always have been shy around people, avoiding social situations. I used to be really bad. I mean I missed out on school sports, making friends, going to school dances including prom. So, you see, it's a big problem that I have never really dealt with. I mean I have done the standard fare of "trying" things like medications, therapy. I have allowed my anxiety disorder to basically rob me of my life.

I think I should clarify a few things. Feeling anxious is part of life. Sometimes it is appropriate to feel anxious, like maybe when you're going to a job interview, or something big in your life that you're looking forward to. All in all, anxiety is another emotion that we experience and like many emotions it can be extremely strong as it is very primal and without it we humans would have probably been long since extinct. I mean, if you're a caveman and you're hungry and you're not worried about it, that's not great right?

The huge problem for me has been all the inward focusing and overthinking which often leads to problems with friendships and relationships. Just for the record, some of you know that I am in a relationship with someone and things are going fine. I intend to be with him for the rest of my life and now we're getting to the meat and potatoes of what this treat is really about.

I randomly decided to poke around podcasts with the keyword "anxiety." I started listening to one called "The Anxious Truth" and I've listened to about 10-12 episodes. They're not very long like 10-20 minutes. The first big takeaway is people don't understand because they can't see inside your head to know what it is that you're panicked about, why you're suddenly upset and crying or why you can't go to the grocery store -- because it doesn't really exist. Whatever it is in that moment that you're worried about, overthinking about, nobody but you experiences it. This can and very likely will become frustrating for your friends, family, your partner.

Because I love this man very much I really need to learn some skills to stop this shit. I am tired of having these triggering moments from overthinking about something that will never happen. Just this morning let me tell you the rotten habit my brain has. I like good morning messages to and from my partner, who doesn't. What I see in myself here are two things, selfishness and overthinking or well three things -- how I reacted to those things. So here's all that happened. I sent him a good morning message with a cute picture to go along with it like we often do. Mind you this is like 6 AM, I know he's asleep and didn't expect to hear from him for a while. Well I got to work and I notice I hadn't heard from him and I know I usually hear from him right around 7 or so. Well just by noticing that my mind just concludes right then and there that he's ignoring me even though he's probably still asleep or just scrolling through TikTok. Afterall, the idea of him messaging me the very first thing after waking up is absurd. Nothing was wrong at any point. I didn't upset him, but I felt like I did and start thinking that he's mad at me and feeling like he's going to resent me and all these emotions like an angry sea just come crashing in and all of a sudden my eyes are welling up here in the office. It is ridiculous because it is. I know that the key to stopping this bullshit that I do is with me. It's not in a fucking pill, it's not in a cannabis dispensary is not talking about it in a forum either. It's not about controlling your thoughts or trying to change your thoughts but changing how you physically and cognitively react to the thought. Like, one thing I tend to do when I'm nervous talking to a coworker is rub my hands, so something I'm going to try is to not rub my hands during social interactions and see if, just by chance see if the physical aspects of anxiety go down. It is a complex issue. Change is difficult too. One thing I probably need less off when it comes to dealing with anxiety is not to be coddled. I mean I could just let my partner do all the grocery shopping because that's easy and it's comfortable, but the real answer is that I need to get out and shop more and start dealing with it. Everyone has to buy groceries. I might buy the wrong shit, might forget the coupons again, but I the point is I can do grocery shopping, go to gay clubs, go dance and experience shit. I don't want my partner to end up leaving because I spent my time worrying about him leaving me.

The only advice I have for anyone with an anxiety disorder is to look outward and try to spend less time in your head. Also, give that podcast a listen to, might help you. Of course, since I mentioned medications let me just say, don't stop taking your meds because you read something on the internet.

The bottom line is, I have to be accountable for how I act, how I react, it is simple as that. Now getting to where I can feel comfortable going to a gay bar and letting loose? I'm not sure, but I can still experience it and make memories with my partner. I have to learn to give in to the waves of emotions that may come and change how I react and not engage with the negative thinking. I am very grateful that my partner has been patient with me so far, it is a lot. I was previously in a relationship with someone with severe anxiety and I can tell you it is a fucking lot to deal with at times. So if first hand experience says anything, it means I can be a lot to deal because of how I overthink and so on.

The only thing that seems pop up over and over is mindfulness meditation. That is something I need to learn and make time for, specifically the latter. I am always finding myself in a rush. At work, worrying, driving back and forth between NC and GA, relationship, parents health issues, rinse and repeat. So yeah, there might be a lot on my plate depending on perspective but guess what? Literally everyone has a lot on their plate.

Not sure if anyone has any sage advice on the subject of anxiety, particularly with trying to unlearn my brains bad habits and how to come up with some cognitive tool (yes breathing works but how to stop or reduce the emotional response to an intrusive thought is where the money is).

(01-11-2023, 04:04 PM)InbetweenDreams Wrote: The only thing that seems pop up over and over is mindfulness meditation. That is something I need to learn and make time for, specifically the latter. I am always finding myself in a rush. At work, worrying, driving back and forth between NC and GA, relationship, parents health issues, rinse and repeat. So yeah, there might be a lot on my plate depending on perspective but guess what? Literally everyone has a lot on their plate.

Dude, cut yourself some slack. Life is hard enough when you have all that shit on your plate, and then you are adding extra things like meditation and listening to blogs about anxiety when you are also saying you want to get out of your head and stop thinking.

I have no solution, but one thing I have found helpful is a change of environment. Here is a video that may help:



I know your problem is not about being alone, but this may help in terms of... get out of your house/home. Take your anxiety podcasts and meditations and go do them somewhere else. A library, a park, a coffee shop, or whatever. Or even just take a book or something to occupy yourself and make the challenge of being by yourself easier. And, maybe, if you learn to enjoy yourself alone (assuming you don't already) out in the world, - not at home, that is too easy - you may feel better about being around others.

Feel your anxiety has robbed you of you life? Do you have a hobby or something that is YOURS and that you can make progress with?

Another thing that may help is to help others. Maybe your mind may be taken off of your own issues if you help others.

I find a lot of activities alone, like eating in a restaurant very uncomfortable. Same thing if I were taking a bus. It's the mere phobia of being around unfamiliar people or in large groups of people (and large can really mean more than 2 or 3 people). I can be content with my own company doing hobbies like painting, taking kikes and so on but I usually find myself wishing there was a friend to come along.

I did appreciate the video and it did list a lot of things that I probably would not go out to do alone due to the anxiety that comes with it. I think the real challenge is being myself when I'm alone.

Anxiety did most certainly rob me of some things and in some ways does. I mean it's not normal to go to the grocery store filled with dread and having your body so tense like the floor is going to suddenly fall away. Sometimes I don't realize just how tensed up my body is and it is quite frequent.

I need to learn to meditate and I agree it needs to be somewhere else, or at the very least where I can feel safe and comfortable. But clearing my mind, never seems to work and quickly get distracted (environment) and next thing you know I'm doing something else.

(01-11-2023, 10:51 PM)InbetweenDreams Wrote: I find a lot of activities alone, like eating in a restaurant very uncomfortable. Same thing if I were taking a bus. It's the mere phobia of being around unfamiliar people or in large groups of people (and large can really mean more than 2 or 3 people). I can be content with my own company doing hobbies like painting, taking kikes and so on but I usually find myself wishing there was a friend to come along.

I did appreciate the video and it did list a lot of things that I probably would not go out to do alone due to the anxiety that comes with it. I think the real challenge is being myself when I'm alone.

Anxiety did most certainly rob me of some things and in some ways does. I mean it's not normal to go to the grocery store filled with dread and having your body so tense like the floor is going to suddenly fall away. Sometimes I don't realize just how tensed up my body is and it is quite frequent.

I need to learn to meditate and I agree it needs to be somewhere else, or at the very least where I can feel safe and comfortable. But clearing my mind, never seems to work and quickly get distracted (environment) and next thing you know I'm doing something else.

Anxiety is a cunt. It can suck my dick and fuck off. It ruins so much stuff. You have my sympathies.

Your loneliness makes you want to be around people. Your anxiety makes it hard to be around people. What a shituation.

Is "clearing your mind" worth it? Why not embrace your brain's obvious need for stimulation by giving it something worthwhile to get stuck into? A project. I imagine meditation is very difficult-to-near-impossible for some people (it is for me), especially if you are doing it alone. It takes real discipline. Maybe you need someone else's help with it, or at least a meditation app?

Or maybe meditation is NOT the technique for you just yet, until you are in a better place? If over-thinking is your problem, is emptying your really the solution? Aren't you are just clearing space for more thoughts to come in?. Maybe, instead you need to deliberately fill it with something intentional, a specific focus.

Also, you sound like you are very aware of your anxiety and how it is not rational or "normal" as you call it. Be proud of yourself for that. Even though sometimes you don't know how tensed your body is - you are just so used to it as part of your "normal" experience.

(01-11-2023, 11:04 PM)Scruff Bunch Wrote: Anxiety is a cunt.

It can be. I do think anxiety itself is necessary but not when it is from overthinking, phobias and so on.

(01-11-2023, 11:04 PM)Scruff Bunch Wrote: Your loneliness makes you want to be around people. Your anxiety makes it hard to be around people. What a shituation.

I probably have some sort of abandonment issue that I developed when I was a small child. I can think of some early memories (not sure how reliable because we're talking about memories that are 30+ years old and apparently long term memory is pretty shitty) where I recall having anxiety. There were also a few episodes where I blacked out when I was in elementary school. I thought it was because I got too hot, but looking back, those were probably panic attacks. I remember my eyes getting spotty (think static but in color lol) and being escorted to the nurse. Parents almost split up when I was 5, kids picked on me. Also, I can't confirm but might be a little autistic. I really don't know. I have always struggled in social situations so even when I do make a friend a lot of times it doesn't run deep. I find my mind running down these narritives that will never happen. It's as if I am almost watching a movie, a possible outcome based on some trivial information. Like maybe someone didn't text me back and now all of a sudden I think that person's mad at me, doesn't want to be my friend anymore because I did something 2 weeks ago, you get the idea. Even though I know, full wall based on facts that's not real but I struggle to not react to the thoughts and end up making myself very upset at times. Of course your friends who might not understand have a hard time understanding what it is that made me so upset or why I would think such a thing because it is completely illogical. It can be hell.

(01-11-2023, 11:04 PM)Scruff Bunch Wrote: Is "clearing your mind" worth it? Why not embrace your brain's obvious need for stimulation by giving it something worthwhile to get stuck into? A project. I imagine meditation is very difficult-to-near-impossible for some people (it is for me), especially if you are doing it alone. It takes real discipline. Maybe you need someone else's help with it, or at least a meditation app?

Or maybe meditation is NOT the technique for you just yet, until you are in a better place? If over-thinking is your problem, is emptying your really the solution? Aren't you are just clearing space for more thoughts to come in?. Maybe, instead you need to deliberately fill it with something intentional, a specific focus.

Also, you sound like you are very aware of your anxiety and how it is not rational or "normal" as you call it. Be proud of yourself for that. Even though sometimes you don't know how tensed your body is - you are just so used to it as part of your "normal" experience.

My wild guess would be that learning to meditate might help me develop some skills to simply let these thoughts come and go without triggering me. Perhaps the idea isn't so much to clear your mind but to just let it be. I had never had anyone really explain meditation in a way that I, who doesn't have any experience. So I could just completely wrong about it all.

Thanks, I do find myself to be more analytical. I think the importance of being able to see things from a perspective other than your own is fundamental to fixing anything like this. If I never stopped to think that maybe my friends, partner, might get tired of dealing with how I get when I get anxious then I would be doomed. It's not everyone's job to coddle and comfort me because my mind runs wild and I choose to buy into some fleeting thought about how my partner is going to break up with me because I (fill in the blank).

Being hyper-sensitive is not a good thing too. Other people's body language or energy can really have an affect on me, can be good. Like my partner, good energy, good vibes, can change the vibe of the whole room by walking in. I don't know how some people do that, it's like Jedi shit to me. So yeah, I'm a lot lol

(01-12-2023, 05:02 PM)InbetweenDreams Wrote: My wild guess would be that learning to meditate might help me develop some skills to simply let these thoughts come and go without triggering me. Perhaps the idea isn't so much to clear your mind but to just let it be. I had never had anyone really explain meditation in a way that I, who doesn't have any experience. So I could just completely wrong about it all.

I found this: https://actnaturally.net/writing/2018/1/...g-the-mind

I have not abandoned my thread, just haven't had time to give everything a proper read and a proper response. One random person said that it might not be that I am overthinking but that I am hypersensitive. At any rate I do think meditation is exactly what I need to incorporate into my day...once I understand what it is I should be doing and that I might have over thought about.

It's always helpful to have some semblence of structure or method to the madness of effective self care. Here's a fun/funny video I've used successfully both for myself and with others to challenge one's self to sit and endure, deliberately, for a small span of time on the regular. It does NOT require the full two hours of watching to help, but at least one full cycle from beginning to a "restart" of the wave. And the LGBTQ+ friendly feature is simply icing for your sweet cake ass!

AND, here's a couple minutes version that is perfect for training yourself to focus on just one thing deliberately. The effort can transfer to other areas so you learn how to increase one's "LET GO" skill for increased peace. Think "yoga for the attention span."

One way I think I can explain it is like this. I had a CT scan done a couple of weeks ago. It's been on my mind lately because I'm expecting results pretty soon since the person who did the scan told me it would be 1-2 days. So anxiety is already mounting, thinking of whether there's something wrong, did they lose it? So I call the doctor's office and a receptionist answers, I explain the situation, probably routine, but the thing that gets me is how annoyed the receptionist sounded, like I asked her something rediculous. She then tells me she'll send a message to the provider to have them contact me and hangs up. So I decided to call them myself because I'm not very confident that they'll do anything at all. After sitting on hold for 10 minutes I'm told they're re-faxing the results. I'm just so over it. Just this stagnation, just people being shitty and snotty for no reason. It's not the delay, it's not the mistake or whatever. It's just the experience with the people and then having to worry and my mind jumps to all these scenarios in a flash. Its stupid. I'm over here reacting like a reptile and being aware that my behavior is rediculous, or rather my feelings. On the surface, at least when it comes to the phone calls, I was nice and polite and no one batted an eye. Just me being disgusted.

It's like when it comes to driving. It somehow becomes this me vs everyone mentality on the road and just wears you down. Between trying to be courteous and dealing with other agressive drivers the empathy just gets sucked from me, then I end up driving like a colassal asshole (at times). Trust me, I hate it, it's always in the moment. It's just a maddening cycle over and over. Mind you I'm driving 120+ miles to and from work, into downtown Atlanta. That I do think I will have to deal with soon. It's exhausting.

One thing that correlates between these two things is this "anxiety" ramp up, the other is how I allow it to make me feel terrible, guilt, shame, feel worthless. I told my boyfriend he deserves better, he asked why, probably had a completely different thought about why I said that. I just know that I ought to be doing better, and I feel ashamed that I let XYZ bother me.

We tried going to a meseum the other day, turns out it was a free day. We should have known that it was going to be crowded like crazy. I got kind of into one of these anxiety attacks because there were so many people and so many simply wont move or stay out of your personal space. It's unenjoyable, people with their crotch gobblins screaming and running around. We ended up promptly leaving not seeing a single exhibit. I felt bad because I'm sure he wanted to see all that, despite it being crowded and so on. Despite his reassurance that everything was fine and telling me he "wasn't feeling it either" I felt terrible and still do.

What makes a person deserving of anything?

I don't know if there's a root to all this. Not sure if this is some sort of trauma I've experienced somewhere and if so, how to deal with it. I'm not so sure I'm doing this self-love stuff right. I can't even ganer the confidence to do a job interview. I literally see myself out of a job because I'll read a job description and conclude that I need more experience or something and usually skip over. Sure, there are jobs are really out of reach and then there's stuff that it is in the gray. I mean this is also knowing that the job descriptions I read are often outdated and done by someone in HR who may have googled what to put. Of course dragging the job search out like this has just caused me more stress because of the long distance stuff.

And finally. My mom is on the delcine from dementia and since I moved out back in March, she's gone from being able to walk in a walker to not being able to turn herself over in bed. I feel guilty for moving out. I feel like I've abandoned her. I don't see her as much as I like due to all the commuting. This stuff that I'm dealing with here is probably the ony thing my partner has a difficult time getting on the same wavelength on. He doesn't understand where the guilt comes from and as much as I hear that I shouldn't feel this why, I can't seem to figure out how not to.

It sucks knowing that your mom isn't going to be able to do so much of the things you wanted. If she could just have her health back for one day.