At what age did you first realise you were gay or bi?

[Chase]

I put 16, but it could be 15 or 17, depending on what you mean by realize.

I was always gay, and like many of us here, I probably would have realized a lot sooner if I had a more accepting childhood. But a major reason why it took me so long is because of how neglected my sex education was. All I learned from my school and parents about puberty was my voice would change and I'd grow pubic hair. No one ever taught me anything about erections, semen, wet dreams, and masturbation. So when I went through puberty, I literally thought I was the only one in the world who experienced those things. I thought I was really sick and there was something seriously wrong with me, so I never asked anyone about it, not even my pediatrician.

By the time I went to high school, the other boys would talk openly about those things (of course they all called it "boners," "cum," and "jacking off"). It made me feel better knowing every boy did it (and a girl shared they masturbate, too). It took me a while to piece it together from all the more adult themed sit coms and B-rated movies I started watching, but by 15 I at least knew I wasn't being possessed or losing my mind. Although I didn't know ejaculation was normal until 16, so I was horrified about all the mysterious goo my body was making for the longest time. Pretty much, the teenage boy version of Carrie White.

Honestly, I think not educating me about those things was neglect and downright abuse.

Anyway, when I was 15, a bully came up in my face and asked me if I jack off to gay thoughts. He did it to torment me, but it really gave me this big epiphany moment. I realized that although masturbation is normal, I'm not "normal" in that I'm doing it to thoughts of guys instead of girls. For a while, I thought I might just have a fetish for the male body, that's what some idiots online said (ahh, good ol' Yahoo Answers), but the idea of being a "fetishist" really made me feel like a fucked up piece of shit. Eventually I figured I just have a "gay thing," and that was better than having a fetish (as a side note, I don't think there is anything wrong with having fetishes now, and am pretty sure everyone has at least one).

For whatever reason, it didn't strike me as a permanent thing. At least one boy in my class said he was gay, then said bi, then said straight, so I figured maybe I could "phase" my way out of it like he did (I ended up seeing him on Grindr years later, oops). It didn't go anywhere, I could never hold images of girls in my mind when I did it (and I HAD to do it), and as I looked up things on how to change my sexuality, it began to grow hopeless. One thing that really stuck with me is the idea that I only had my teenage years to change my sexuality, and it would "stabilize" after that.

I didn't really like the label "confused" at first, but I eventually grew to like it. There was an episode on That 70's Show, where a gay character is talking with Eric, and tells Eric "it's okay to be confused." It was just a joke, in that following him kissing Eric, Eric didn't know what he meant by "confused," but once I understood what it meant, it really stuck with me.

It's hard to pinpoint where exactly I came to the point where I finally said to myself "I'm gay," because naturally, I'd still fall back on my hopes to change my sexuality, or swear off everything. I was also suicidal and clinically depressed (and was neglected treatment), so I always told myself it ultimately didn't matter because I was going to kill myself before I would graduate high school anyway. By 17, I was admitting to myself I'm gay and had given up hopes on changing myself, it might have been 16, I can' really remember.

I do remember going to school the next day I said it to myself, and being more terrified than I normally was.