Mental Health resources for adults

[Cowboy]

These past few years have been rough for me. I'm going to lay it all out in front of you.

I'm not a good person, I'm closeted, I lie and manipulate, I've gay bashed. I enjoyed physically beating open guys and something in me fed on their fear. I also liked verbally harassing guys to. I've pretended to like guys only to humiliate them later, by publicly sharing private photos, everything from catfishing on grindr to making fun of their bodies for any minor flaws. I'm also a drug addict. My life is trash because I'm been so cruel to people. I really hated being gay, and I still do, but I want help.

Feel free to hate on me in the comments, I deserve that. 

Since the new year, I've been trying to turn things around, I tried to apologize to the many many guys I hurt in my past, one guy forgave me. the others (a few dozen) did not. I understand why, and I'm not mad, I dont really deserve forgiveness. I'm very broke and I'm seeking legitimate help in the form of psychiatric counseling. I've contacted lgbt resource centers in my area, but the only free services they offer are for children and teens, which I fully understand. I dont know much about getting psychiatric help, I want help very badly. I understand that I can commit myself to a mental institution to receive help, but honestly I'm afraid of doing that. I want help but to still have freedom. 

Are there any free or subsidized mental health programs for low income gay adults in the USA, or government programs?

Also I understand that I need to get clean from drugs but honestly right now they are the only thing keeping me from suicide, I need to sort of my homophobia issues first.