10-28-2010, 02:17 AM
Iâve been avoiding writing into one of these blogs for so long, but Iâve wanted to so badly. Iâve looked at other peopleâs questions and comments, and they all sound so similar, but simultaneously different. I donât mean to blanket statement all posts or all responses, but I think I know that most people have questions regarding their sexuality and orientation at one point or another. I know you canât help me with definitive answers. But Iâm really looking for feedback and ideas which relate to my musings. So, hereâs the situation. Iâm 24 and I canât figure it out. I feel like Iâm too old to be this âconfusedâ if you can even call it that. I have a solid sense of identity in terms of my personality, likes, and dislikes, and despite my insecurities, Iâm confident. I just canât figure out how I feel. Or what I want. Or how I feel relates to what I want.
In high school I never had a long term relationship that I ever felt too strongly about. I dated guys here and there, and I believe I had intimate experiences with a few which were influenced by both attraction and a desire to be sort of cool; nonetheless, I never remember any intense sensations. Later, in college, I dated a gay guy (well he was gay) for about eight months. And, this guy is the hottest guy (in my eyes). I love him so much, and we are still incredibly close. I prefer his company to all others. Nonetheless, when we would have sex, I really wanted to please him and make him feel good. Yet, despite my attraction to him and his personality, I rarely would become tangibly aroused. Iâd have to secretly use lubricant because I didnât want him to feel insecure, but I still wanted to have sex. It would get better the second time. I half-convinced myself this was due to feeling âinadequateâ because I wasnât his preferred sex. Sorry Iâm giving you TMI here. I feel at liberty in doing so but this is a message board, but the purpose Iâm sharing is because Iâm trying to differentiate emotional attraction from physical attraction and finally physiological attraction (i.e. feelings vs. desires vs. genital response).
So, moving on, after him, I had my first and only experience with a girl. Though I was never previously involved with a woman, I remember feeling warmth that I didnât quite understand in high school when I would sit close to a few select girl friends. I rarely feel this way with guys. Anyway, she was great. I felt great. And I had no problems like I did with the guy before. In contrast, she didnât quite know (nor did I) what to do in order please me. My aversion and insecurity regarding the fact that I had never had an orgasm at this time made me dissuade her from trying. But, as with the guy, I enjoyed giving. Since then I havenât been with another girl, Iâve actually only ever had sex with the one guy I told you about earlier. Iâve dated other guys, and I think theyâre attractive. For the most part, I only find some women and some men attractive. And I guess thatâs pretty normalâ¦..(?)
So, from the time I graduated college until now Iâve had a few relations with males, mostly with the same outcome (no pun intended 
. I convinced myself that my lack of physiological response is because I lacked an intense emotional connection---as I did with my previous two partners. I thought, âI just have to find a man with some depthâ¦heâll come along and then Iâll be happy.â I also thought that if I couldnât find a man that I was deeply physically attracted to, I would just look for someone who I connected with emotionally on every level, and give give giveâ¦and then consult my newly discovered vibrator friend to make up the difference during sex. Iâd imagine Iâd be good-to-go with some prepping. I thought: I could live like that. Nice man, cute kids, good jobs, useful vibrator: The American Dream
This really then all boils down to insecurity regarding societal expectations. I know thatâs a pansy response. But, if I try to pursue the questionâWho would you choose to be with if you had NO expectations to fulfill? If your parents had NO expectations regarding your marrying a man and having children? If you wouldnât feel at all like youâve been living an emotionally covert life in bottling all this up and keeping it from any life-long friend?..... And yet, I canât answer that question assuredly. Not without question! Itâs really frustrating to feel like you know yourself so well and not truly know beyond the shadow of a doubt, the answer to that. And then, I think, does anyone really know the answer?
Right now, Iâm finally back on the market after two years of just focusing on my grueling job. When it rains it pours, and now Iâm dating two guys. Weâve just started, so donât think Iâm playing anyone here. Four dates each, roughly. I like them both. But Iâm definitely more attracted to the one. Now, it could have been the wineâ¦but, sitting across from him at the table, I felt something. I often feel a subtle yearning for him. Iâm sorry to use physiology as a gauge repeatedly; I hope you get the gist that Iâm looking for something far beyond what the body registers. But, it seems to be a factor that I donât totally understand. I often donât talk about this with other people verbally because I havenât voiced any of this to people I know. Typically Iâm good at seeing where people are coming from, butâ¦here, not so much.
Iâm looking for guidance and advice. I could try to be with a girl again, but if that only reinforces the very little I understand, I feel like Iâm paving a road thatâs far more difficult to lead. I hope thatâs not offensive. I admire and respect decisions of being entirely open and free-spirited. At this point, this proposal makes me return to the first conundrum. This former decision, if I chose to go down there, would REALLY cause upheaval. I know if I loved someone enough, Iâd do it. Without a doubt. But, why would I look for a path that will begin with pseudo-chaos (being with a woman long-term) if I can find one I like equally that doesnât involve chaos (being with a man long-term). I feel like I need time, commitment and depth of emotion to feelâ¦. Am I oversimplifying!?! AH! Help me.
In high school I never had a long term relationship that I ever felt too strongly about. I dated guys here and there, and I believe I had intimate experiences with a few which were influenced by both attraction and a desire to be sort of cool; nonetheless, I never remember any intense sensations. Later, in college, I dated a gay guy (well he was gay) for about eight months. And, this guy is the hottest guy (in my eyes). I love him so much, and we are still incredibly close. I prefer his company to all others. Nonetheless, when we would have sex, I really wanted to please him and make him feel good. Yet, despite my attraction to him and his personality, I rarely would become tangibly aroused. Iâd have to secretly use lubricant because I didnât want him to feel insecure, but I still wanted to have sex. It would get better the second time. I half-convinced myself this was due to feeling âinadequateâ because I wasnât his preferred sex. Sorry Iâm giving you TMI here. I feel at liberty in doing so but this is a message board, but the purpose Iâm sharing is because Iâm trying to differentiate emotional attraction from physical attraction and finally physiological attraction (i.e. feelings vs. desires vs. genital response).
So, moving on, after him, I had my first and only experience with a girl. Though I was never previously involved with a woman, I remember feeling warmth that I didnât quite understand in high school when I would sit close to a few select girl friends. I rarely feel this way with guys. Anyway, she was great. I felt great. And I had no problems like I did with the guy before. In contrast, she didnât quite know (nor did I) what to do in order please me. My aversion and insecurity regarding the fact that I had never had an orgasm at this time made me dissuade her from trying. But, as with the guy, I enjoyed giving. Since then I havenât been with another girl, Iâve actually only ever had sex with the one guy I told you about earlier. Iâve dated other guys, and I think theyâre attractive. For the most part, I only find some women and some men attractive. And I guess thatâs pretty normalâ¦..(?)
So, from the time I graduated college until now Iâve had a few relations with males, mostly with the same outcome (no pun intended
. I convinced myself that my lack of physiological response is because I lacked an intense emotional connection---as I did with my previous two partners. I thought, âI just have to find a man with some depthâ¦heâll come along and then Iâll be happy.â I also thought that if I couldnât find a man that I was deeply physically attracted to, I would just look for someone who I connected with emotionally on every level, and give give giveâ¦and then consult my newly discovered vibrator friend to make up the difference during sex. Iâd imagine Iâd be good-to-go with some prepping. I thought: I could live like that. Nice man, cute kids, good jobs, useful vibrator: The American DreamThis really then all boils down to insecurity regarding societal expectations. I know thatâs a pansy response. But, if I try to pursue the questionâWho would you choose to be with if you had NO expectations to fulfill? If your parents had NO expectations regarding your marrying a man and having children? If you wouldnât feel at all like youâve been living an emotionally covert life in bottling all this up and keeping it from any life-long friend?..... And yet, I canât answer that question assuredly. Not without question! Itâs really frustrating to feel like you know yourself so well and not truly know beyond the shadow of a doubt, the answer to that. And then, I think, does anyone really know the answer?
Right now, Iâm finally back on the market after two years of just focusing on my grueling job. When it rains it pours, and now Iâm dating two guys. Weâve just started, so donât think Iâm playing anyone here. Four dates each, roughly. I like them both. But Iâm definitely more attracted to the one. Now, it could have been the wineâ¦but, sitting across from him at the table, I felt something. I often feel a subtle yearning for him. Iâm sorry to use physiology as a gauge repeatedly; I hope you get the gist that Iâm looking for something far beyond what the body registers. But, it seems to be a factor that I donât totally understand. I often donât talk about this with other people verbally because I havenât voiced any of this to people I know. Typically Iâm good at seeing where people are coming from, butâ¦here, not so much.
Iâm looking for guidance and advice. I could try to be with a girl again, but if that only reinforces the very little I understand, I feel like Iâm paving a road thatâs far more difficult to lead. I hope thatâs not offensive. I admire and respect decisions of being entirely open and free-spirited. At this point, this proposal makes me return to the first conundrum. This former decision, if I chose to go down there, would REALLY cause upheaval. I know if I loved someone enough, Iâd do it. Without a doubt. But, why would I look for a path that will begin with pseudo-chaos (being with a woman long-term) if I can find one I like equally that doesnât involve chaos (being with a man long-term). I feel like I need time, commitment and depth of emotion to feelâ¦. Am I oversimplifying!?! AH! Help me.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
