09-04-2012, 02:35 PM
Well, i know how you feel! My prior 10-year LTR ended after i finally discovered that my "husband" was dating a mutual "friend" of ours for years and the last 3 years was nothing but a ruse while they planned their "new life" together.
Now, i know that's not an exact match with what you're going thru, but i know how you're feeling....and if what you say is true - that for 14 years when you thought he was on legitimate business trips he was actually tricking on you - then really there's not much hope for your LTR.
14 days of cheating is one thing but 14 years really sounds more like something more serious.
It sounds to me like your man probably does LOVE you - i think he really does....but its clear he dosn't see a 14 year "trick-a-thon" as being a big deal and that's an issue.
To answer your question about the laundry, yea, he's just trying to appease you and generate a list of things he's doing to show he's "working at it."
I would ask him this, "Do you really think words and some laundry or other tasks can make up for the fact that for 14 years you've lied and decieved me in order to see and fuck other men? Put yourself in my shoes for just 1 minute and YOU try and get your hands around the concept that the person you've built a life with, a person you're building a future with - the person you hoped to spend the rest of your life with, has been telling me bold-faced lies to my face and meeting men on the internet for sex. What would you do? What would you say?"
Then just be quiet.
If it were me (and i know this sucks), i would be planning my OWN exit strategy - finacially first. If you don't already have it, i would get a new checking account and start moving your funds over into it and then look at your housing issues: do you own or rent? If he'd been unemployed for a while, i'm betting you're paying most of the bills.......and while this may not feel good, you might have to think about getting a new place on your own. You need to take care of YOU right now because if he has been cheating on your for 14 years he's NOT EVER GOING TO STOP!
He should ahve told you from day-1 that he wanted an open relationship. At least then you would have known and been able to make an educated decision. But like i said, afte 14 years, he's NOT going to be able to jsut shut-off that "need" to have sex with strangers. If it's not the internet he'll start hitting adult bookstores and/or bathhouses....and at the end of the day, i don't know if you will ever be able to trust him whenever he leaves the house.
OH, and this "early morning routine" thing - he may be planning his OWN exit strategy and just "playing along" pretending he wants to work it out - all the while he's putting his own plan together.
Thats why i think you just need to do the same for yourself. Talking won't change things..and i know it hurts to have to spend this kind of energy, but, and here's teh big question:
WOULD YOU BE AGREEABLE TO AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP? I mean, clearly that's what he likes/wants, and while you'd have to have alot of discussion about 14 years of deception - is this a relationship you could stay in with it being OPEN - that means you both can have occasional tricks?
Keep us updated PLEASE!
Now, i know that's not an exact match with what you're going thru, but i know how you're feeling....and if what you say is true - that for 14 years when you thought he was on legitimate business trips he was actually tricking on you - then really there's not much hope for your LTR.
14 days of cheating is one thing but 14 years really sounds more like something more serious.
It sounds to me like your man probably does LOVE you - i think he really does....but its clear he dosn't see a 14 year "trick-a-thon" as being a big deal and that's an issue.
To answer your question about the laundry, yea, he's just trying to appease you and generate a list of things he's doing to show he's "working at it."
I would ask him this, "Do you really think words and some laundry or other tasks can make up for the fact that for 14 years you've lied and decieved me in order to see and fuck other men? Put yourself in my shoes for just 1 minute and YOU try and get your hands around the concept that the person you've built a life with, a person you're building a future with - the person you hoped to spend the rest of your life with, has been telling me bold-faced lies to my face and meeting men on the internet for sex. What would you do? What would you say?"
Then just be quiet.
If it were me (and i know this sucks), i would be planning my OWN exit strategy - finacially first. If you don't already have it, i would get a new checking account and start moving your funds over into it and then look at your housing issues: do you own or rent? If he'd been unemployed for a while, i'm betting you're paying most of the bills.......and while this may not feel good, you might have to think about getting a new place on your own. You need to take care of YOU right now because if he has been cheating on your for 14 years he's NOT EVER GOING TO STOP!
He should ahve told you from day-1 that he wanted an open relationship. At least then you would have known and been able to make an educated decision. But like i said, afte 14 years, he's NOT going to be able to jsut shut-off that "need" to have sex with strangers. If it's not the internet he'll start hitting adult bookstores and/or bathhouses....and at the end of the day, i don't know if you will ever be able to trust him whenever he leaves the house.
OH, and this "early morning routine" thing - he may be planning his OWN exit strategy and just "playing along" pretending he wants to work it out - all the while he's putting his own plan together.
Thats why i think you just need to do the same for yourself. Talking won't change things..and i know it hurts to have to spend this kind of energy, but, and here's teh big question:
WOULD YOU BE AGREEABLE TO AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP? I mean, clearly that's what he likes/wants, and while you'd have to have alot of discussion about 14 years of deception - is this a relationship you could stay in with it being OPEN - that means you both can have occasional tricks?
Keep us updated PLEASE!
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