09-04-2012, 11:18 PM
I feel for you. I know it's hard and there a lot of difficult, painful decisions that have to be made. Just got out of a 9 year relationship a couple of months ago myself, different reasons for separating but, the logistics are the same no matter the reasons.
As for blame, yes it's very easy to blame yourself and very hard to be objective and set the blame where it really belongs, and that's on both of you. It is never all one person's fault. And, though I know you will, probably already are, see a million thing you SHOULD have noticed, things you could have said or done differently and, maybe fixed this before it got this far, none of that is going to do any good now. So before you let your mind go there, just assume the blame is 50/50 - you can sort the truth out later, when you can be more objective and assuming 50/50 makes it easier to be less biased in the other decisions you need to make.
The bottom line is, I think it's time for you to focus on doing what you KNOW is best for yourself. Don't make emotional decisions, make logical, intelligent decision based on what you KNOW, not what you feel. And you know what will be best for you in the long run, regardless of what doing those things means to those around you.
Yes, that's a very hard road to take, but take it and keep going on it, and sooner or later the things you want start meshing with what you KNOW is best for you. No it's never perfect, but I think we can all get pretty darned close.
As for why my partner and I split, if you're curious. The short version is that he didn't think he could remain monogamous once I was diagnosed with diabetes and put on insulin, thus unable to drive a semi. He didn't think one weekend a month together would be enough for him. I didn't want an open relationship with him (he is pretty anti condom and, I would not trust him to be safe and stay STD free.) And, I couldn't handle it if he were to bring a "strange" home when we were supposed to be in a relationship at all. So, all things considered, he got the semi I owned, the car we had bought together and some cash from me and, sent on his way.
His mother refuses to speak to me, his dad (divorced form his mother) is still one of my closest straight male friends, and the rest of his family still considers me their brother in law. He and I are still friends but, we will never hook up again - I don't want what he might pick up out there. Right now he's being a bit of a jerk about money, thinking he got the short end of the stick but, he'll get over that when he finds a new co-driver and his miles go back up.
As for blame, yes it's very easy to blame yourself and very hard to be objective and set the blame where it really belongs, and that's on both of you. It is never all one person's fault. And, though I know you will, probably already are, see a million thing you SHOULD have noticed, things you could have said or done differently and, maybe fixed this before it got this far, none of that is going to do any good now. So before you let your mind go there, just assume the blame is 50/50 - you can sort the truth out later, when you can be more objective and assuming 50/50 makes it easier to be less biased in the other decisions you need to make.
The bottom line is, I think it's time for you to focus on doing what you KNOW is best for yourself. Don't make emotional decisions, make logical, intelligent decision based on what you KNOW, not what you feel. And you know what will be best for you in the long run, regardless of what doing those things means to those around you.
Yes, that's a very hard road to take, but take it and keep going on it, and sooner or later the things you want start meshing with what you KNOW is best for you. No it's never perfect, but I think we can all get pretty darned close.
As for why my partner and I split, if you're curious. The short version is that he didn't think he could remain monogamous once I was diagnosed with diabetes and put on insulin, thus unable to drive a semi. He didn't think one weekend a month together would be enough for him. I didn't want an open relationship with him (he is pretty anti condom and, I would not trust him to be safe and stay STD free.) And, I couldn't handle it if he were to bring a "strange" home when we were supposed to be in a relationship at all. So, all things considered, he got the semi I owned, the car we had bought together and some cash from me and, sent on his way.
His mother refuses to speak to me, his dad (divorced form his mother) is still one of my closest straight male friends, and the rest of his family still considers me their brother in law. He and I are still friends but, we will never hook up again - I don't want what he might pick up out there. Right now he's being a bit of a jerk about money, thinking he got the short end of the stick but, he'll get over that when he finds a new co-driver and his miles go back up.
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