May I rant on your shoulder please?

[princealbertofb]

Hmm Bitter. I wasn't aware I sound or come off as bitter. Maybe I am.

Right now I'm feeling a great big nothingness... It is a bit troubling to my mind, but at the same time I don't even feel (emotionally) troubled - its just an intellectual 'Well this can't be good' tip of the hat to what I feel (or actually don't feel) right now.

Yeah yeah yeah, forgiveness - stop nagging me for Christ's sake :biggrin:

You pretty much know I understand things intellectually, like the power of forgiveness is not for the forgiven but for the forgiver. I know that - intellectually.

As for 'own your own part' in this... When I think about it I start coming up with 'good reasons' why he should go out and do what he does. I can too easily 'blame myself'... Other people get into the 'its your fault' game, I get deeply involved with 'Its my own damn fault' game.

I'm really good as excusing people. Excusing myself, not so much. I have been trying real hard to not make a list of 'who did what' at this time. I think that I may actually go into the mode of lumping all the blame on myself, which leads to me making stupid mistakes, like giving up too much, or cutting too much slack.

I think that's what I meant about not being able to change your spots as a leopard... but maybe owning the fact that you ARE too kind, and maybe understanding that you DON'T have to take everyone else's crap, noble as it may seem to everyone, even to you...
I didn't find you bitter... just in utter retraction from feeling anything. Anger and bitterness, like jealousy can be so destructive, and presumably you'd prefer not to go down that way... too many bad experiences in that area, for no solutions, no doubt...

One of your life's learning opportunities will be in regaining that self-esteem and surviving all this for a possible future. You are not someone that can be spurned or trampled so easily... even if that's where you'd like to be right now. This is testing your resilience, well good luck with bouncing back. How quickly you can do this will depend on you and whose path you cross next.