May I rant on your shoulder please?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Boywn:

Just out of pure curiousity, can you share with us HOW he explained his actions? I know it might hurt re-hashing those discussions, but as i continue to read your replies to the posts here, i'm struck with what sounds like a very cavalier attitude on his part...like, "no i'm not cheating, well, ok, you caught me, yea, i did mess around a bit, well, actually, for the last 14 years i have been meeting a guy (or guys) for no-strings-attached sex when i have been out of town....but, i promise i won't do it again...yada, yada, yada."

I mean, did he give ANY expliaination? Was he fucking these guys before you 2 started dating and living together or was he just using the internet to "chat" and cruise and then just conspire to lie to you about where he was going so he could get his rocks off?

Oh, and was it the SAME guy over and over again for 14 years (the guy in san fran) or was it multiple guys.....i think the answer will shed some additional light on why you're feeling the way you do and also how his mind worked in attempting to justify what he was doing.

I'm uncertain if cavalier is the right word.

The way the discussion went was me asking a simple question waiting for a reply, then asking another simple question so on and so forth. Its not like I lectured him on everything I knew. I suppose at each turn he thought he could 'lie now' and not have to get deeper. Yet I kept on surprising him with new questions and then asking 'So can we check your email? Can we check the Manfinder? Do you mind if I check your cell phone?'

He denied the manfinder, and I asked about the emails on his account (Revealing that I have seen his emails) He back pedals and says, oh that is an old account... Then I asked, then why did one of the subject lines in your email said XXXXX... Indicating recent usage. He came up with another excuse - Then I asked if we can look at his Manfinder account, suddenly he decided it was best to tell me that yes he has been active on the account.

Does that mean you are sleeping around? "Oh no" says he. "So you don't mind if we check your cellphone messages/calls and ask guys you have talked too/messaged?"

"Oh well, I'm soo sorry, there was one.... But I have stopped seeing him!"

"Not according to what I have heard." ( I lied, I haven't heard anything).

He gets all quiet, then he starts confessing other guy, other dates...

I confess I lied a bit about how much I know, but then at that time I felt if lying is how he wants to do this then by all means I can play by these new rules.

Understand I usually don't pursue questions (normally no need for details), in this case my whole approach was perhaps alien to him compared to how I deal with other stuff over the past 14 years. I do write a lot, I rarely speak. So this whole David talking and asking so many questions was most likely something he didn't know how to deal with.

Since I rarely lie about stuff, he pretty much figured that I told the truth that I heard from others about his behaviors. Its not that I do not know how to lie, I can lie - expertly when the need arises. I choose not to live that way so stick to truths. He is used to me being a man of truth, not the prince of lies.

No, not the same guy. From what I pulled out of him there are 'many' guys. From what he said, he has had/been with about a dozen guys in the past year alone. How many for certain? When pressed his answer was "I can't remember"... So how many is that - I have no idea.

So is that dozens, scores, hundreds, thousands??? I don't know. And he is not going to give me a solid answer on the subject. He thinks about 30 over the past 14 years. If his score card of the past year is the average, then I would say over the past 12 years its more like 120....

I did get from him that this is an account he had before we met. I also get the impression that for the first year of our relationship he didn't sleep around. I know near the end of the second he went out, tweaked with his ex (and a few buddies at the same time) and had sex. From there I'm fuzzy on the details (He can't remember) exactly how and why he started 'dating' on the side.

He was doing it while he worked in the City. Lunch times were not his spending time at the desk doing 'free work' because he was behind on work. No he was busy meeting guys for lunch.

Instead of losing his pack-back on BART as he told me long ago, he confessed that he forgot it at a guy's house that he had been seeing a few times and the truth really is that that guy refused to give it back. Something about the guy thinking they were in a relationship. That back-pack contained my diamond ear ring (on loan for him to use since I had gotten irritated with all metals by then), it also contained his medicines and a change of work clothes and his wallet. Which had credit cards, ATM cards, stuff and we spent the next week or so worried over some stranger with his wallet, cancelling cards and checking to make certain no new charges we didn't make showed up on them.

All of those nights spent in the city (first Thursday of every month) where he was supposed to be going in early at work he didn't spend them at Blue's (No not our Blue here, Blue a gal-friend of his) he was actually spending them at bars and other places.

The night he supposedly got drunk at a work related party and one of his coworkers called to tell me, it didn't actually spend the night at her place, he spent it elsewhere and somehow managed to get Donna involved with the lie.

After being laid off, he had lots and lots of job interviews 'In the Bay Area'. A more than a few were early morning, the City is 105+ miles away, so he would spend it with Blue, or Donna or some other co-worker or person who obviously had no problem lying to my face because in truth he was spending it with Tom, Dick, Harold, Jacob or some other guy he met on line or wherever.

From the whole story I get the impression that he wanted to be 'faithful' at some point way back in the last century but just wasn't able to do it. I suspect now (now that I'm thinking about it) that he has been doing drugs and having sex. I also further suspect that he isn't just a drug addict, but also a sex addict as well.

But then I knew that he had had 'sexual experience' way back at the dawn of the relationship. He told me tales of his exploits as a meth addict and he told me about whips, chains, fists, dildos the size of small animals, gang bangs 'piss parties' :o, experiences at Club 88 (or 69 or something, a sex club in San Francisco). Orgy parties where the fun would be amped up with week long 'party N Play' sessions - meaning everyone is on meth and having sex for hours, days a week....

As I said before, His drug of choice is speed (meth, crystal) his 'tweak of choice' tweak being what a person does while on speed, was sex. His telling me about his sexual exploits was all part of his share to me about what his life on drugs was like.

Also understand I'm no saint. I had a thing for alcohol, oceans of alcohol and I did coke and crank and speed and the occasional bong hit, I dropped acid socially. My tweak of choice was Raves - then going home and getting on my knees and scrubbing floors as my OCD habit kicked in full swing. I tried sex with speed, I get what is called 'crystal dick' and inability to get an erection. No erection means no sex, so I didn't develop the sex thing as a tweak.

So I understood the addiction part, and I figured like with me and raves and excessive scrubbing, that as long as there is no speed involved those 'tweak' projects wouldn't happen.

We met through a local AA/NA group and since we were both clean and sober for at that point, it made sense that we would make a decent couple. I had two years clean, he was going on 18 months...

So the first night we spent talking all night long, we both shared our 'horror stories' in depth when it came to drugs/drink and other things.