May I rant on your shoulder please?

[BobInTampa]

Hi Bowyn:
I was just catching up on your replies to posts and saw that your partner has hiv and your short reply about your sexual relationship with him.

Please know i am NOT making excuses for him - i am NOT! However, if you go on to any hiv support boards you'll find that you are part of a grown group of men in poz/neg relationships where this happens.

Unfortunatly, it's VERY common for poz men in LTRs with negative partners to cheat with other poz men behind their neg partner's backs. I'm sure, since you've been togheter for 14 years and have lived with him living with hiv, that you've had conversations about safe sex, his fear of transmitting the virus to you, etc.....and while those talks are cruicial, it's VERY common among poz partners to want to have bareback sex..they can't have it with their partner, so they cruise online or at bathhouses simply to experince the freedome of sex without worry of transmitting hiv to their partner.

And while i'm not a therapist, i would be in his heart-of-hearts he justified his cheating by saying to himself, "i love him and i just couln't live with myself if i passed on hiv to him, so i'll just meet with other poz men from time to time to get my sexual needs met and that will be ok."

Add to that meth, and how it eliminates normal power of reason and common sense, and I think that might be the core of the issue. I would bet he loves you fully and totally, but the HIV issue (even tho you've both been living with it for 14 years), he's become paralized about having sex with you out of fear of transmission.

Again, i'm NOT giving him a pass or making excuses for him, but i can tell you that i have 2 sets of friends who were in the SAME situtation (poz/neg) relationship and i think my sharing waht happend to them might help.

Couple 1: six months into dating exclusively, i'll call him John, tested positive for hiv. They had both been tested 1 month into dating and both tested negative (as you know it can take 3-6 months for enough virus to be detected). They talked with an hiv doctor and, because they both loved each other so much, decided to work with it and play safe (both were versitle sexually). Within 4 years, Joe caught John cheating with another poz guy (and yes, after chatting found out he'd been having sex with poz friends the duration of their LTR). Their sex life had gone from frequent to rare over the 4 years, but Joe chalked that up to new jobs, new house, and a death in the family that they worked thru togehter). Joe tested negative for hiv and all other STD's, but didn't know what to do. They talked to a therapist and basically, despite both having the best intentions for being life-partners, John was mentaly incapable of getting over the fear of transmitting hiv to Joe. It wasn't about John being able to remain monogmaous, it was that John's fear of giving Joe hiv and that living in a totally sex-less relationship was not an option - neitehr was having an open sexual relationship. So their LTR ended.

Couple 2: Ken and Adam. Ken knew Adam was hiv poz when they met. He was well educated about hiv and so entering into an LTR with Adam was something he was comfortable with (and like your man, Adam was a total bottom). For 2 years they practiced safer sex, but like most couples (gay and str8) the amount of sex dropped off to a point where they were at an impass and at risk of moving forward together. Yes, Ken caugh Adam on bareback sites and while he'd never cheated, he was always online and on webcam with other poz guys. I have to say upfront that Ken and Adam are a great couple - i mean, even after 10 years together they seem to love each other with the same passion as they did the first year together and neitehr wanted to end the LTR but they had to resolve the sexual issue. Here's waht they did: Ken and Adam are still together. Ken now tops Adam without a condom and gets tested for hiv every 3 months. Adam has been undetectable since being on meds, and they both knew the risks and balanced it with their love and to this day, ken has tested negative for hiv.

I share these stories with you because i know them both first hand, but based on all your replies, i think alot of what's going on is his hiv (and yes, meth is an issue, but we both know that meth for him is his way of just escaping - as is the case with most addicts.).

Being roomates without benefits (i'm trying to figure that out since you said you and he rarely have sex anymore), so the benefits sound more like social/monitary and conveneince. I'm also very aware of the stress you're under and your feelings of emptiness - all very normal and expected. ANd while breaking up can be a slow, painful and expensive process, by being "roomates" really isn't resolving anything. It's actually keeping the status quo - without the cheating behind your back.

if he and you remain roomates, he'll be able to continue his sexual exploits and have a guy at home who he lives with. And what about you? Are you going to start dating and bringing dates home? As a transition option, it makes sense to work thru the separation of bills and such - but at the end of the day, if you're both dis-investing in your LTR, you should be honest about a deadline for ONE of you to move on...and also establishign rules to live by while you're still in teh same house.

OR, you decide to stay together in your LTR, accept his needs for bareback sex and fear of transmitting hiv to you and you work out rules for having an OPEN LTR. Or you do what couple 2 did.

What do you think about what i posted?