May I rant on your shoulder please?

[Cav937]

Bowyn, I'm a total newbie, registered so I could respond. I went through something similar a few years ago. Partner of 5 years. He was a grad student, and I had a full time job while attending school. I started and finished while he was still working on his thesis. Each year, it was a new profile, suspicious emails, phone died, at the library at midnight. I've seen all the excuses and heard all of the apologies. I convinced myself that the more I did, the more he'd grow up. Took him 4 years for a 2 yr program, yet he had no job. I wanted to stand by my commitment. He was enmeshed in my family, friends, my whole life.

But it never stopped. There was never a straight acknowledgement. All of his reveals only came due to evidence (and that was a struggle). Once i realized how deep the crap ran, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I ended it. Quit my job and hit a depression. A wasted 5 year relationship based on lies and stress. I never strayed and you could time your watch by my arrival time. faithful, diligent, supportive, all of it. I felt used "emotionally". I cycled from depression to self-pity to rage constantly.

He promised that he had changed. i took him back 3 months later. It started again within 3 months. Same story, never changed.

Then it ended permanently. Not because he was a lying cheating c**k chasing hoe bag. But because i couldnt spend any more days cyberstalking his every move, reading internet temp files, decrypting emails, and guessing passwords. I was completely paranoid and embarrassed. I hated going in public with him for fear we would encounter some back alley hookup as i stood blindly by like old yellar. I was no longer myself. It was consuming me. Naturally, the week he moved out, he was in full effect of his old tricks. Confirmed that i made the right decision. a hard one, but the right one.

5 years later, we're still friends. He asks to reconcile often. it'll never happen. the primary reason is because he lacked empathy and respect for me at the time. thats a part of who you are and you dont grow into it. lack of a conscience is not to be dismissed lightly.

You will continue to feel a plethora of emotions. You may shut down. IMO, I'm much happier without him. dont get me wrong, im miserable because the dating world is weird, but i'd rather make my own misery than to have it caused by an emotional leech.