09-18-2012, 11:34 AM
Sounds tricky. I just woke up after a few hours of sleep and I plan to try to catch another hour or so soon so I'll just throw a few things out and may add more later when I'm thinking more clearly:
One, make dating a treat for the kids (for example, letting them see a movie). Of course a boy and a girl 5 years a part can make that difficult (but doable, Harry Potter movies would've worked just a few years ago and maybe it still would). I don't have any experience with autism or even heard of anyone who had who was dating so caveat emptor.
I'd suggest a baby sitter coop but it sounds as if you might not be healthy enough for that (and those involved can sometimes be really nosy & judgmental).
It's easier for kids if the same sex partner is introduced first as a friend and I hear first introducing them at like a pizza place or other place both kids like going to is a good idea because they're usually in a good mood then (and less likely to bother too much with details until they've had some time to get used to the idea). A partner coming along to family movie night and the like can also get kids used to them.
But heads up, while some kids will be on better behavior in front of people they don't know as well, others will instead try to take advantage of it thinking they can get away with more because you'll be more hesitant to crack down on them in front of others. I suppose if the latter happens you can try to see it as a test of character for ALL involved...
Kids will talk, especially 5-year-olds. Of course he may not understand what's going on (and thus can't bluntly state it) and even if he does many people have a tendency to not pay attention to them anyway.
If either of the kids really want you to get back with dad (and unfortunately too many Disney shows will encourage such a fantasy) then be very careful, as many kids don't handle disappointment well.
But even if they handle it well then resist U-Haul Syndrome. This can turn out bad enough even without kids involved and is going to make it even harder for everyone else to accept as well.
Most important, take sure your kids don't feel threatened that you'll love this other person (and that includes paying more attention to) than them.
You might also want to start documenting your husband's behavior with some proof however possible, too, because if he decides to use this against you it will likely get very ugly. It might be a good idea to cultivate future written (and perhaps on the stand) character witnesses (note, you don't HAVE to tell anyone you're gay). Even without the gay issue child custody battles are brutal (especially for the kids). And if he's paying any child support then not only might he want to get out of it, but any woman he dates later can also want him to get out of it (and thus motivate him) and that includes finding ways to get the kids into his custody where he can at least (in theory) spend less (I speak from bitter experience having been caught in such a tug of war in my early teens). And if it gets bad then calling some of the women's shelters and hotlines can sometimes help set you up with legal groups and feminist groups tend to favor lesbians right along with other women in custody battles. My mom got helped by one (can't say I remember them fondly as they screwed me over right along with Dad but they made sure my mother came out on top, though in part that was because my dad played right into their hands with his stupid drunken temper tantrums and rages and violations of the restraining order Mom got against him with that feminist group's help).
And one last warning: be aware that there are a few lesbians who will take revenge and out you to others if you try to break up with her or whatever. I think they're very rare because this will get a lesbian blacklisted in the community really fast but I have heard stories about it, some that turned out really bad.
Good luck. Now I'm going back to bed.
One, make dating a treat for the kids (for example, letting them see a movie). Of course a boy and a girl 5 years a part can make that difficult (but doable, Harry Potter movies would've worked just a few years ago and maybe it still would). I don't have any experience with autism or even heard of anyone who had who was dating so caveat emptor.
I'd suggest a baby sitter coop but it sounds as if you might not be healthy enough for that (and those involved can sometimes be really nosy & judgmental).
It's easier for kids if the same sex partner is introduced first as a friend and I hear first introducing them at like a pizza place or other place both kids like going to is a good idea because they're usually in a good mood then (and less likely to bother too much with details until they've had some time to get used to the idea). A partner coming along to family movie night and the like can also get kids used to them.
But heads up, while some kids will be on better behavior in front of people they don't know as well, others will instead try to take advantage of it thinking they can get away with more because you'll be more hesitant to crack down on them in front of others. I suppose if the latter happens you can try to see it as a test of character for ALL involved...
Kids will talk, especially 5-year-olds. Of course he may not understand what's going on (and thus can't bluntly state it) and even if he does many people have a tendency to not pay attention to them anyway.
If either of the kids really want you to get back with dad (and unfortunately too many Disney shows will encourage such a fantasy) then be very careful, as many kids don't handle disappointment well.
But even if they handle it well then resist U-Haul Syndrome. This can turn out bad enough even without kids involved and is going to make it even harder for everyone else to accept as well.
Most important, take sure your kids don't feel threatened that you'll love this other person (and that includes paying more attention to) than them.
You might also want to start documenting your husband's behavior with some proof however possible, too, because if he decides to use this against you it will likely get very ugly. It might be a good idea to cultivate future written (and perhaps on the stand) character witnesses (note, you don't HAVE to tell anyone you're gay). Even without the gay issue child custody battles are brutal (especially for the kids). And if he's paying any child support then not only might he want to get out of it, but any woman he dates later can also want him to get out of it (and thus motivate him) and that includes finding ways to get the kids into his custody where he can at least (in theory) spend less (I speak from bitter experience having been caught in such a tug of war in my early teens). And if it gets bad then calling some of the women's shelters and hotlines can sometimes help set you up with legal groups and feminist groups tend to favor lesbians right along with other women in custody battles. My mom got helped by one (can't say I remember them fondly as they screwed me over right along with Dad but they made sure my mother came out on top, though in part that was because my dad played right into their hands with his stupid drunken temper tantrums and rages and violations of the restraining order Mom got against him with that feminist group's help).
And one last warning: be aware that there are a few lesbians who will take revenge and out you to others if you try to break up with her or whatever. I think they're very rare because this will get a lesbian blacklisted in the community really fast but I have heard stories about it, some that turned out really bad.
Good luck. Now I'm going back to bed.
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