DEATH!...and being Phony

[dfiant]

I have to get something off of my chest...no need to comment really but if you read it.....thanks ahead of time and please forgive my whining. I am afraid if I don't write this I am going to explode!

I have a weird thing where I cannot be phony. I know this comes natural to most people but for me...If I don't think it or feel it...I cannot for the life of me say it. Let me be clear...I am not knocking people who are phony...I am jealous of them. This has been a real thorn in my side my whole life.

It took me alot of very intense concentration and practice not to blurt out what I really think which is my natural inclination...that has been a lifelong battle and I am pretty good about keeping quiet now...but there is no way I can say something I dont' feel or think...
the words will just not come out of my mouth...

...so....alot of people lately around town have been dying but I didn't like any of them and I simply cannot force myself to say I am sorry even though social etiquette deems that this is the proper thing to do. Even worse...I have been cornered now by two of the spouses who asked me why i didn't come to the funeral and I KNEW I was supposed to say "Gosh...I am so sorry to hear that ___________ died" but I was really thinking "Please go away and stop bothering me" :eek: (Thank God I didnt' say that)

...now a third "friend" of the most recently deceased comes in and starts bawling to me and I am horrified...they just left maybe 1/2 hour ago and every inch of my being wants to scream...they sucked the air out of me and they actually wanted me to comfort them with phony platitudes on top of draining my energy....

Don't get me wrong...if I really AM sorry I will not only say it but show it with no problem at all.

...and since I can't do the primal screaming thing right this moment...I am doing THIS instead:biggrin: .......WHEW! OK I am done:biggrin:

Goodness, thought I was reading a post I had written about myself, except the giveaway is that it doesn't bother me that I am this way. People need to learn to deal with the fact that I am not a lovey dovey over emotional person and the fact that I am not great with grief and comfort.

I care about people, I love pople, I love being able to help people who want to help themselves...don't want to help yourself then you can not expect me to step in and help.

I have no problem saying sorry if I know I have made a mistake or if someone points out that I have made a mistake, and I will be genuinely sorry, but I don't see the need to get all emotional and make an issue out of an issue out of an issue.

I'm not a cuddly person, but I can say 'I Love You', and when I do say it, people know I mean it.

So yeah, I find it hard to be fake and I am neither jealous or disrespectful of people who can be fake or over emotional.

My favourite saying 'It is what it is' and you are who you are, accept peoples differences but never under any circumstances try and change someone or allow someone to chnge you. we are all perfect the way we are.

East, I love you