Me sharing my excitement.

[Hayden]

I do apologize in advance for whatever I'm about to say (and the gratuitous profanity I'll probably say it with), but I need to get it out and I need someone to hear me, even though I know that in a little while I'll calm down.

I tried very hard to not sit in the corner. I was aware of that advice the whole time and tried so fucking hard to not be me, but I can't. It's impossible. There were quite a few people there and I'm pretty sure I was the only one who didn't know anyone there. Sitting there alone I was panicking so much I thought my heart would honestly stop. I can't be in any social situation without constantly thinking about putting my head through a pane of glass or slitting my throat. I'm not suicidal, I swear, but it's like a tick. It's all I can think about. I literally don't know how to introduce myself to a person. I don't get it. It's like telling someone to fly without a plane. I just don't know how. I don't understand how people meet other people.

I'm so fucking tired of seeing couples walking around holding hands. I'm tired of being alone. I know it may not be forever, and I know it's ultimately my own doing, and I know I'm relatively young. But it hurts so much. It fucking hurts. It's exhausting. And after a while you get used to it and you get numb to it, but then there's a glimmer of hope of personal contact and all it does is just exterminate that hope completely.

It's not like I was going there like it was some dating scene or whatever, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind that I might meet someone. Just a friend.

I don't understand how things can change if all I've ever seen is things staying the same.

I felt ridiculous sitting there. I felt embarrassed and stupid. I don't know why. I don't know what that means. I really enjoyed thinking about it before I went. I put too much stock into it I know. But I don't go anywhere, ever. I hate the fact that I'm going to wake up tomorrow just to go to class all day and talk to nobody again just like every other day. The sadness I'm feeling right now, I can feel it physically.


I know this is overly melodramatic and that I'm acting like a child. But I really have been putting on a happy face for a long time, perhaps subconciously because I believe is some Karmic thing like the sadness will pay off. But I just crashed a bit and I'm sorry again that this is so immature, but like I said I have to put it out there somewhere. Thank you for reading.