i don't know what to do

[trywait]

I'll put in my two cents, and granted, I haven't read beyond the OP so I may be repeating things others have said...

Unsurprisingly, I can relate, as I'm sure most here can. I think one of the problems is that having lived so long in the closet (and therefore, your own head) and obsessing about coming out, thinking about it... playing out every possible scenario and driving yourself crazy with all the what-ifs (What are people going to think of me? Will I lose friends? What about my family? Mom always said she wants grandkids... AHHHH.... etc, ad nauseum...) when you finally do come out and everyone's reaction is basically "Yeah, cool. Whatever man." It's kind of anti-climatic... even though it's the kind of reaction you've always wanted.

It's like you feel frustrated more than anything that you wasted so much energy your whole life stressing about this aspect of yourself that you kind want a receipt for all that madness. A justification. Like being let out of prison after twenty years because new DNA technology proves that you actually DIDN'T commit that crime. It's great that you finally get released and have your name cleared... but there's no getting rid of the residual anger resulting from twenty years of freedom taken from you. And there's no one to direct your anger toward. It's just... circumstance.

But of course, if you expressed that sentiment to straight friends, they'd think you're crazy. They don't understand. They can't. But they do their best.

After years of attributing every bad thing in your life to being a closeted gay man, when you do come out and realize that you still get depressed sometimes, lonely, angry for no reason, you feel cheated. I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING. Nope!

You're experiencing the Coming Out Let Down. It's like moving. It's exciting at first, but soon enough you get used to your new digs and you find out that you tried to run from your problems, but all you did was cover 'em up for a while.

Wow, that's a lot of analogies... and very little actual advice. I guess I'm just saying that I think I understand how you feel, and I hope that helps.

wade is astute!