i don't know what to do

[Rainbowmum]

Sweetie things will get better ,just give it time.

[hank]

I keep hearing that it gets better. When does this start?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Drinking, thoughts of suicide... hmm. I believe you have stepped a few steps beyond 'anonymous' internet support to actually requiring a therapist.

I have read a lot of what you wrote in the way of threads, I see trends based on those posts - But. I do not know you as a person, I only get to see a few threads which may or may not really underline a few needs you may have.

Having nightmares about your sexuality is not within nominal parameters of human experience - not to the degree you have had. This strongly suggests that your struggle with acceptance of your sexuality is a bit more difficult than the average.

As such, I would at this time strongly recommend you seek the assistance of a therapist. Use him/her as a sounding board and as a real human being to come out to which you know will not reject you, hate you etc.

A psychologist is trained how to talk with a person, and will help you to learn how to actually communicate what you are feeling. I suspect from what you have written over all of this time that you were raised in a very traditional family with strict adherence to gender roles then you have your height which places even more demands on you to be a 'man' and not deal with emotional stuff.

[hank]

Drinking, thoughts of suicide... hmm. I believe you have stepped a few steps beyond 'anonymous' internet support to actually requiring a therapist.

I have read a lot of what you wrote in the way of threads, I see trends based on those posts - But. I do not know you as a person, I only get to see a few threads which may or may not really underline a few needs you may have.

Having nightmares about your sexuality is not within nominal parameters of human experience - not to the degree you have had. This strongly suggests that your struggle with acceptance of your sexuality is a bit more difficult than the average.

As such, I would at this time strongly recommend you seek the assistance of a therapist. Use him/her as a sounding board and as a real human being to come out to which you know will not reject you, hate you etc.

A psychologist is trained how to talk with a person, and will help you to learn how to actually communicate what you are feeling. I suspect from what you have written over all of this time that you were raised in a very traditional family with strict adherence to gender roles then you have your height which places even more demands on you to be a 'man' and not deal with emotional stuff.

I know this is irrational but I had a bad experience with a therapist once. I am having trouble trusting them. One who I opened up to had told me something, just right after I came out I didn't realize he was with ministry. He insisted that it was all in my head and that my sexuality was purly choice.

I want to see a therapist but I have difficulty. How do I know they aren't going to be like this? Is there any way to tell?

[southbiochem]

I know this is irrational but I had a bad experience with a therapist once. I am having trouble trusting them. One who I opened up to had told me something, just right after I came out I didn't realize he was with ministry. He insisted that it was all in my head and that my sexuality was purly choice.

I want to see a therapist but I have difficulty. How do I know they aren't going to be like this? Is there any way to tell?

Make sure that the next one is not a religious freak

and you should have reported him...he cannot be messing with someone's head on account of his beliefs

but yes, you may have to see a therapist

[MisterTinkles]

I keep hearing that it gets better. When does this start?

It already has started to get better. You said so in your post!

Your friends don't care? Lucky you.
They like you for Hank, not for "gay Hank". Even luckier you.

Are you STILL drinking and having nightmares?

If so, then you have also started to get better, as you have proclaimed this in a public forum. As a counselor would say "admitting it is your first step to recovery".

If you are still drinking and having nightmares, then I would suggest a counselor to talk too. Find one you feel good talking too, and then go from there.

If you are not still drinking and having nightmares, then whats done is done. No need for anyone to know this. You dealt with it, its over. Get on with your life.

I don't like advocating "professionals", but if you find a good one, then more power to you. Most people find it helpful just having someone to talk too about personal stuff.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I know this is irrational but I had a bad experience with a therapist once. I am having trouble trusting them. One who I opened up to had told me something, just right after I came out I didn't realize he was with ministry. He insisted that it was all in my head and that my sexuality was purly choice.

I want to see a therapist but I have difficulty. How do I know they aren't going to be like this? Is there any way to tell?

Understand that the AMA and the APA (American Medical Association and American Psychological Association) have both deemed homosexuality to fall within nominal parameters of human sexual expression. That means that the majority of psychologists out there who are NOT through a church organization are most likely going to keep their own private opinion about homosexuality to themselves.

Look, this isn't like going to a mechanic with a car and dropping the car of and being confident when you return the car is fixed. Having a therapist that actually works is more like dating and finding a therapist that you can have a decent relationship with.

As such, I strongly recommend you sit down and right up at least 3 questions you will ask them for the initial interview.

1. Do you side with the APA on its stance of homosexuality?
2. Are you a hypnotherapist?
3. __________________ (you fill this blank)
4. ?
5. ?

You can have more than 3 questions.

Why hypnotherapist? I want for you to steer clear of those at this time. I dislike hypnotherapy as a medical treatment because of all the side issues I have heard about. Way to often things like 'recovered memories' has happened and that has turned around and ruined lives. You do not need a hypnotherapist - at least not at this time.

As long as you don't ask overly personal questions a therapist will be as open and honest to you about who and what they are. Curious if they are married and have kids? You can ask and they will say yes or no depending. Start asking the ages and what schools those kids go to and if hubby travels often for work you will have a serious legal problem on your hands....:eek:

You can ask if what their stance is on LGBT, or things that might affect you - such as if you are a survivor of ritual abuse, you can ask them point blank what their stance is on that (some actually think its all in the head or something).

You want to try to find a therapist that you can have a working relationship with. So you are going to want to be as comfortable with them as possible. That means knowing some of the basics about them, if you all share a common frame of reference and are not going to be at odds at what your goals are to achieve in therapy.

If you are seeking assistance to deal with your own orientation, the last thing you need is to go to a therapist who seeks to 'cure' you of your homosexuality.

[Wade]

I'll put in my two cents, and granted, I haven't read beyond the OP so I may be repeating things others have said...

Unsurprisingly, I can relate, as I'm sure most here can. I think one of the problems is that having lived so long in the closet (and therefore, your own head) and obsessing about coming out, thinking about it... playing out every possible scenario and driving yourself crazy with all the what-ifs (What are people going to think of me? Will I lose friends? What about my family? Mom always said she wants grandkids... AHHHH.... etc, ad nauseum...) when you finally do come out and everyone's reaction is basically "Yeah, cool. Whatever man." It's kind of anti-climatic... even though it's the kind of reaction you've always wanted.

It's like you feel frustrated more than anything that you wasted so much energy your whole life stressing about this aspect of yourself that you kind want a receipt for all that madness. A justification. Like being let out of prison after twenty years because new DNA technology proves that you actually DIDN'T commit that crime. It's great that you finally get released and have your name cleared... but there's no getting rid of the residual anger resulting from twenty years of freedom taken from you. And there's no one to direct your anger toward. It's just... circumstance.

But of course, if you expressed that sentiment to straight friends, they'd think you're crazy. They don't understand. They can't. But they do their best.

After years of attributing every bad thing in your life to being a closeted gay man, when you do come out and realize that you still get depressed sometimes, lonely, angry for no reason, you feel cheated. I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING. Nope!

You're experiencing the Coming Out Let Down. It's like moving. It's exciting at first, but soon enough you get used to your new digs and you find out that you tried to run from your problems, but all you did was cover 'em up for a while.

Wow, that's a lot of analogies... and very little actual advice. I guess I'm just saying that I think I understand how you feel, and I hope that helps.

[trywait]

I'll put in my two cents, and granted, I haven't read beyond the OP so I may be repeating things others have said...

Unsurprisingly, I can relate, as I'm sure most here can. I think one of the problems is that having lived so long in the closet (and therefore, your own head) and obsessing about coming out, thinking about it... playing out every possible scenario and driving yourself crazy with all the what-ifs (What are people going to think of me? Will I lose friends? What about my family? Mom always said she wants grandkids... AHHHH.... etc, ad nauseum...) when you finally do come out and everyone's reaction is basically "Yeah, cool. Whatever man." It's kind of anti-climatic... even though it's the kind of reaction you've always wanted.

It's like you feel frustrated more than anything that you wasted so much energy your whole life stressing about this aspect of yourself that you kind want a receipt for all that madness. A justification. Like being let out of prison after twenty years because new DNA technology proves that you actually DIDN'T commit that crime. It's great that you finally get released and have your name cleared... but there's no getting rid of the residual anger resulting from twenty years of freedom taken from you. And there's no one to direct your anger toward. It's just... circumstance.

But of course, if you expressed that sentiment to straight friends, they'd think you're crazy. They don't understand. They can't. But they do their best.

After years of attributing every bad thing in your life to being a closeted gay man, when you do come out and realize that you still get depressed sometimes, lonely, angry for no reason, you feel cheated. I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING. Nope!

You're experiencing the Coming Out Let Down. It's like moving. It's exciting at first, but soon enough you get used to your new digs and you find out that you tried to run from your problems, but all you did was cover 'em up for a while.

Wow, that's a lot of analogies... and very little actual advice. I guess I'm just saying that I think I understand how you feel, and I hope that helps.

wade is astute!

[jimbopdxus]

Therapy is okay. Friends are okay. Those are fixes and not solutions. You were expecting more and the big bang never happened. However, one of these days you will be sitting in a coffee shop with a friend, or reading the newspaper at home, or one of a number of things and it will hit you... you are fine. That or one of these days you will be blindsided and "POW" you will break through the wall that is boxing you in. Been there, done that. You need to settle down, relax and enjoy the new world you are creating. You are not God. It won't be done in seven days. But when you are ready you will be able to stand back and say, "This is a good thing."