02-07-2014, 09:29 PM
Escapism is a great fantasy, however I fear that no matter where you go you will be there and still have a lot of 'stuff' to deal with.
I did the running to/from thing. Until I moved into this place over 16 years ago, I never stayed in one place longer than three years. And I would do serious geographic changes, moving from state to state, not just across down.
While at first each move brought with it hope and a lot of new experiences to keep my mind occupied, eventually, a few months latter the baggage I carried with me would slowly unpack and the same old shitty feelings and crap would be there again and the newness of the place wasn't 'hiding' the crap from view.
So there is a minor reward in the short term with escapism, long term you are still who and what you are and you carry all of that crap with you.
I also did mountains of meth and drank oceans of alcohol. Like you trying to numb the emotions. That doesn't work well my friend, if anything it only makes those issues worse, and brings with it its own set of problems.
Are you on Federal Disability? You most likely can get on it, understand they will deny you automatically the first and second time. Its part of the process. it is a shitty process for people like you because you don't have the strength to deal with this form of rejection, however if you can do the 2 year process you will have at least something remotely approaching financial 'security' a minor pension, plus medical insurance.
Since you have been on every medication, and you have a psychiatrist, hospital stay, etc, you are a shoo in for disability. Keep that in mind. Just having that process going on to get you on disability will give you some hope - hope that you will survive until the day the checks start coming in.
Mom. Mom is dying. That isn't going to set well with most people, even normal healthy (emotionally healthy) people would struggle with that. Furthermore you are a caregiver - care giving is a lot of hard work - maybe not laborious in a physical manner, but it is emotionally/psychologically hard work.
She most likely has no energy, no will to up and move and die someplace else. So you are going to have to stick it out there.
Try the more practical approach here. Sit down and think of a real 'get away' plan. One that isn't merely running, but making plans/goals for your own future. It is different than selling everything and living out of your car (which won't work long, you'll end up losing the car and what stuff you have left and end up in a homeless shelter or under a bridge).
Do what you can to make this a reality, apply for SSI/SSD, start sorting through your material stuff and deciding what really can be sold, perhaps put it on Ebay or one of those auction type sites and sell a little here, a little there - not all at once, do a little research as to your stuffs value.
Take into account mom's diagnosis and the prognosis. You said terminal illness, that means there is a completion date here. While it isn't a pretty goal, it is a goal, and one you most likely want to see through, attending mom until she shuffles off this mortal coil. It is a positive goal, the completion of life is an important matter and I assure you if you assist her until she completes life you will feel better about the whole situation now and in the long future.
As for abusing medications, make yourself 24 hour 'pacts'.. I won't use for this day, tomorrow I will use. When tomorrow comes you can reinvest in another 24 hours - or not - let tomorrow take care of itself. Just work with today when it comes to this.
Ultimately, all of this will pass. This year will fade into the past, this day will fade into the past. You need to learn to keep the past exactly where it is, the past.
Yes I know, its really, really hard to forget the past. I don't have a pretty past either and there are days when it is a struggle to keep a perspective. Practices perfects the process and it does get easier to keep the past 'back there' the more you do it.
Just try to take life for what it is today, don't try to fix the past, and don't invest to much concern into the future. It is a learned skill, you can learn it and things will get easier (no there is no cure, I'm sorry).
I did the running to/from thing. Until I moved into this place over 16 years ago, I never stayed in one place longer than three years. And I would do serious geographic changes, moving from state to state, not just across down.
While at first each move brought with it hope and a lot of new experiences to keep my mind occupied, eventually, a few months latter the baggage I carried with me would slowly unpack and the same old shitty feelings and crap would be there again and the newness of the place wasn't 'hiding' the crap from view.
So there is a minor reward in the short term with escapism, long term you are still who and what you are and you carry all of that crap with you.
I also did mountains of meth and drank oceans of alcohol. Like you trying to numb the emotions. That doesn't work well my friend, if anything it only makes those issues worse, and brings with it its own set of problems.
Are you on Federal Disability? You most likely can get on it, understand they will deny you automatically the first and second time. Its part of the process. it is a shitty process for people like you because you don't have the strength to deal with this form of rejection, however if you can do the 2 year process you will have at least something remotely approaching financial 'security' a minor pension, plus medical insurance.
Since you have been on every medication, and you have a psychiatrist, hospital stay, etc, you are a shoo in for disability. Keep that in mind. Just having that process going on to get you on disability will give you some hope - hope that you will survive until the day the checks start coming in.
Mom. Mom is dying. That isn't going to set well with most people, even normal healthy (emotionally healthy) people would struggle with that. Furthermore you are a caregiver - care giving is a lot of hard work - maybe not laborious in a physical manner, but it is emotionally/psychologically hard work.
She most likely has no energy, no will to up and move and die someplace else. So you are going to have to stick it out there.
Try the more practical approach here. Sit down and think of a real 'get away' plan. One that isn't merely running, but making plans/goals for your own future. It is different than selling everything and living out of your car (which won't work long, you'll end up losing the car and what stuff you have left and end up in a homeless shelter or under a bridge).
Do what you can to make this a reality, apply for SSI/SSD, start sorting through your material stuff and deciding what really can be sold, perhaps put it on Ebay or one of those auction type sites and sell a little here, a little there - not all at once, do a little research as to your stuffs value.
Take into account mom's diagnosis and the prognosis. You said terminal illness, that means there is a completion date here. While it isn't a pretty goal, it is a goal, and one you most likely want to see through, attending mom until she shuffles off this mortal coil. It is a positive goal, the completion of life is an important matter and I assure you if you assist her until she completes life you will feel better about the whole situation now and in the long future.
As for abusing medications, make yourself 24 hour 'pacts'.. I won't use for this day, tomorrow I will use. When tomorrow comes you can reinvest in another 24 hours - or not - let tomorrow take care of itself. Just work with today when it comes to this.
Ultimately, all of this will pass. This year will fade into the past, this day will fade into the past. You need to learn to keep the past exactly where it is, the past.
Yes I know, its really, really hard to forget the past. I don't have a pretty past either and there are days when it is a struggle to keep a perspective. Practices perfects the process and it does get easier to keep the past 'back there' the more you do it.
Just try to take life for what it is today, don't try to fix the past, and don't invest to much concern into the future. It is a learned skill, you can learn it and things will get easier (no there is no cure, I'm sorry).
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