Life has been spiraling for a few years now

[caspy123]

Thank you for the uplifting responses. As for putting my mother in a nursing home, we had a bad experience with my grandmother so of course she made me promise not to do that and I would also be left alone with my drug addicted father which would only make my anxiety worse. I've already been denied SS once and now I have a lawyer doing all of that for me which is nice but I still worry the amount of money won't be enough for me to leave. I do know that this environment is mostly the cause for my depression because when I was in college living with roommates, I never needed any kind of anti-depression medication and I honestly can't remember really being sad except for the odd breakup of a relationship which would make anybody sad. I still had my horrible anxiety, something that i've always lived with, but at the time it didn't really contribute to any kind of depression. It wasn't until I was on a date where I was attacked which caused my anxiety to spin out of control and I eventually had to move home away from everything that made me happy and since then living in this environment with nobody for support is really what set off my depression. It's the reason I fantasize about leaving because I know that I was once at a place where my life was in control and ever since I moved back home that control has completely disappeared. I know it sounds crazy, the idea of living in a car, but it makes me think of being in a place of happiness like where I was. A less crazy idea I had was actually to check into a rehab center since I have been having this pill popping problem although I wrestle with the idea because I don't know whether or not my problem is serious enough for such a place. Honestly I only do it when my panic takes over from seeing my mother collapsed on the floor or smelling the burning plastic from my father's crack pipe and while overtaking medication calms me down I hate that my brain turns to mush and most of the time I spend the next few days puking my guts out so I would rather not do it, it's just that I've tried every type of relaxation exercise that I've learned from the multiple therapies I've been in and the problem is i've had so many bad things happen to me that now I find even the smallest (which those events are by no means small) is enough to send me into a panic. So at this point a few weeks stay in a rehab facility would sound rather nice and I wouldn't starve to death in my car. I know leaving my mom would be hard but at this point, I'm not going to survive long if I don't do something to save myself.