Am I Ever Going To Get It Right?

[MikeW]

I'd like to be supportive but TBH from what Will said in the OP, I'm not clear what is going on here. Apparently you (Will) did or said something (that you regard as "wrong") and you (both?) ended up in therapy (or couples therapy?) and the therapist said she wouldn't work with you (both?) unless you postponed your wedding? Do I have that right? And apparently you, Will, aren't happy about this at all but Adam is OK with it.

Without knowing either of you except from reading your posts here it is difficult to get a very clear sense of what this is all about. Therapists certainly have the right to set boundaries regarding their practice but, equally, we have a right to reject those boundaries and see if we can find someone else to work with us.

I was in therapy off and on for many years with different therapists and found it very valuable.

However, at one point I had to threaten one of my therapists with a law suit.

It was a bit complicated but the upshot was that at the end of one of our sessions she told me that she wasn't going to continue seeing me further, that this was our last session. I was shocked but, of course, at that point there was no place to even discuss let alone process my feelings about this abrupt termination. BTW, it wasn't like I had done or said anything in therapy that was inappropriate or threatening. She had just unilaterally decided not to work with me further. She had her own reasons but they had nothing to do with me.

At the time it happened I was so shocked I hardly knew what to say. I left but the more I thought about it the angrier I got. I'd been working with this therapist for over a year and was no where near complete. In any case, I sent her a strongly worded letter (this was pre-intenernet) and told her that I expected to have at least four more sessions with her to process this abrupt termination and that if she didn't comply I was prepared to seek damages either through the courts or through State regulations. Well, THAT got her attention! I have no idea if I had a case worthy of going before a judge but that wasn't the point, I was furious and needed some legal means of redress and that was what I came up with. In any case, she complied and we had four follow-up termination sessions.

I think what I'm really getting at here, Will, is that I (perhaps mistakenly) SENSE you have a LOT of very deep feelings about whatever this situation is and how it is impacting your life. I don't know what "mistake" you made (and I'm not asking you to tell me or us) but what I am suggesting is that if strong emotions are now coming up in regard to all this, you use the therapeutic situation as an opportunity to explore them. For example, it's quite OK to tell a therapist, "I hate being here and I hate you for making me postpone our wedding…" or whatever your truth is. Your "truth" is your truth, how you really feel, and you have as much right to feel the way you do as anyone else has a right to feel the way they do. You have every right to use a therapeutic situation to express those feelings so that they are up front, out in the open, without compromise or prettied up to be more 'acceptable' to anyone. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that a good therapist would encourage you toward safely expressing your naked truth. How can a therapeutic situation really "work" if the people participating in it are "afraid" of or in some way avoiding your truth (including you)?

Once your emotional truth is out there where everyone can look at it, THEN everyone (including you) can begin to look into where it is coming from, what is driving it, and see how much of the emotional intensity behind it has to do with the PRESENT (as opposed to the past). To me this is what therapy is for.

If I'm totally off the chart here, feel free to completely ignore these words. I'm just putting them out there with the intent of being supportive, fully realizing I have no idea exactly what is going on here.