08-25-2014, 03:56 AM
My first real love was a train wreck. Not your average Amtrak-smashes-into-truck wreck, but a full-blown train-smashes-into-truck-carrying-kittens-puppies-and-elderly-grandmas wreck.
At the time, I was so deep in the closet that I was in Narnia petting unicorns. I could not accept that I was gay, that it was healthy and natural for me to be gay. I was in such denial that I had been living a lie with a woman I knew from high school. We had moved in together and had plans to get married, which we eventually did. (I'll give news coverage of THAT train wreck another time.) Then, my best friend moved in with us to help out with bills. He was everything I had ever wanted in a man or a friend. Kind, compassionate, loyal to the end, and a six pack that begged for my attention. Over time, I spent more and more time with him, and less and less with my wife. My friendship with him was a major cause of our fighting, and she tried to call me out more than once on my feelings for him. He never knew, because I could never tell him. Aside from my own insecurities, he was a devout Mormon and straight as straight could be. Sad to admit, I followed him like a lost puppy for quite some time, hoping and praying for any opening that would lead to the relationship I wanted so badly. Ultimately, when I did come out to him, I was told that he considered me a sinner, but he still wanted to be friends. Shortly thereafter, he moved out of state and our friendship died.
I felt so betrayed and hurt that it took almost a year to figure things out and get past it.
For all my intelligence and book-learning, I can be a real dumbass.
At the time, I was so deep in the closet that I was in Narnia petting unicorns. I could not accept that I was gay, that it was healthy and natural for me to be gay. I was in such denial that I had been living a lie with a woman I knew from high school. We had moved in together and had plans to get married, which we eventually did. (I'll give news coverage of THAT train wreck another time.) Then, my best friend moved in with us to help out with bills. He was everything I had ever wanted in a man or a friend. Kind, compassionate, loyal to the end, and a six pack that begged for my attention. Over time, I spent more and more time with him, and less and less with my wife. My friendship with him was a major cause of our fighting, and she tried to call me out more than once on my feelings for him. He never knew, because I could never tell him. Aside from my own insecurities, he was a devout Mormon and straight as straight could be. Sad to admit, I followed him like a lost puppy for quite some time, hoping and praying for any opening that would lead to the relationship I wanted so badly. Ultimately, when I did come out to him, I was told that he considered me a sinner, but he still wanted to be friends. Shortly thereafter, he moved out of state and our friendship died.
I felt so betrayed and hurt that it took almost a year to figure things out and get past it.
For all my intelligence and book-learning, I can be a real dumbass.
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