Online Dating

[MikeW]

...
There's nothing wrong with getting the awkward stuff out of the way at all, but it was just the way in which it all unfolded. We hadn't dated or met in person for about a month or two, and were thus Skyping/chatting online for ages (partly because I wasn't able to physically go anywhere at the time). During that time you can obviously pick up that we learnt a lot about each other during that time that most other people would have otherwise found out through normal dates.

Yeah. In this day and age it isn't uncommon for people to meet online and get to know one another that way. Hell, that's what we're doing here in a collective sense on GS, right? It's a bit of a "community"... some know one another better than others. Some become real friends, or possibly even more. ... but lets go on...

Getting to know the basics of each other (what we liked, what we did, where we lived) soon grew into late night phone-calls that pretty much had us talking about life and the universe - they were some serious conversations.

Yeah, been there done that, too.

As a result when we met in person for the first time, it was at his house. At the time I thought it was alright since we'd already gotten to know each other so much, so in our own way we both trusted each other enough to meet him at his home. His parents had left for a few weeks on a trip so we had the house to ourselves, and obviously we both took this to our advantage so we decided that I would stay at his place for a few days.
The first night we started cuddling and, ultimately, making out. The following few nights we increased the intensity of our kissing sessions but we agreed to never go "all the way", so we just kept making out and jerked/blew each other off.

Sounds good to me...

Now don't get me wrong. It was an incredible experience just to be with someone else and I enjoyed every minute with him - in the end I didn't want to leave haha. We'd even made it official (privately, at the time) that we were boyfriends. But as the weeks went by I looked back and I was like "No, that just doesn't feel right to me.. That shouldn't have gone the way it did, let alone the fact that ultimately it wasn't what/how I wanted to do things, relationship-wise".

Ok, well, IDK why you felt that way. I mean, I appreciate that people feel however they feel and they have every right to feel however they feel. But that doesn't necessarily mean their "feeling" is "objective". It's just what they feel. To me, I'm left wondering why you felt that way... but lets go on...

As I previously mentioned I was still trying to figure out a lot of personal things at the time, and me being with him was ultimately, I decided, an experiment/experience that did need to happen for those reasons. And it made me realize that I wasn't OK with it, and that wasn't how I wanted to play it out.

OK, but why not? Of course I'm a total stranger. You don't owe me anything, let alone some kind of explanation or rationalization. I'm just not getting it. I get that is how you felt, how you daw it, but I don't understand it.

I didn't say that to him directly when I broke up with him (dunno whether I should have or not), but I basically said there's too much going on in my life right now and I don't have time for boyfriends, so I didn't lie completely as I still sort of referenced that aspect. I knew that if I told him that I would have pissed him off tenfold (as you would imagine... can you imagine someone saying to you "Hey, those nights we spent together to realize that we now love each other? I really only did that to experiment with my life, sorry."), and he was still a generally nice guy so I would have accepted it if we remained friends, and we did. It took him a while to come around to the realization that it was over and I had moved on rather quickly, but he got there.

Ok, so, because you had a fling with a guy that didn't move toward becoming something more, there was something wrong with that? You feel like you were "using" him or something? I don't get it. Of course you were experimenting. It was your FIRST time, right? You were seeing what you liked and didn't like. You had a good time. AND, yeah, you two shared more than just sex, too. You became friends.

All I'm saying is this sounds perfectly "natural" to me. Almost ideal in a way. But it also seems like you're somehow uncomfortable with it, or the way you went about it, as if you should have done it differently. That's what I don't get. How could you have done it differently than you did? You did what young men do... you explore and learn about yourself and life. Good for you! LOL!! Nuts' wrong with that at all.

So that's the story of my first experience. Probably posted in the wrong thread so I'll put it in the "First Experiences" thread as well, but given the circumstances I believe I needed to explain it a bit more fully. But does that explain a majority of things?

Well, LOL, sort of.

... "dating" to me is a little more than just "meeting someone" - whether it's online or IRL. There needs to be some sort of meaning behind the date. We both need to like each other, of course, and thus have a good time in whatever activity we're doing. To be ourselves is also a strong element. We need to share some sort of connection whether it's as simple as us both liking each other enough to meet, or as elevated as holding each other's hands when we reach for the cheque. Or something.

So romantic.

The point of dating anyone, and why, is to me to distract the mind from everyday hassles, and have a bit of freedom/fun with said people you meet. After all, loved ones are there for you to talk to, so you could unload on your date (if you think it appropriate), or just have enough general fun so as to not worry about anything else.
Dating exists in this world for the same reasons that social events do. You get to be around other people, new or same, and enjoy yourself/"blend in" with the crowd and become lost in the moment. Like I said, it's a distraction, but in a good way.
If that makes any sense.

Well, sort of. I never thought of "dating" as a means of distraction, though. I have Netflix and porn tumblrs for that.

That's pretty much as straightforward as it would ever get. Thank you for that.
Like I said to [MENTION=22879]kindy64[/MENTION] though, I know what it is that I'm after so I know how to control (at least personally) that aspect of dating, so I can get what it is I want.

Which is?

I've often tossed up, and quite frankly I'm still tossing up every now and then whether I am actually ready for a relationship of any kind - financially, emotionally and physically. Maybe not so much financially as that's a sort of derailing factor to a relationship, but ultimately I don't think I'll ever know if I'm ready or not until I actually take the steps that I want to take in getting one. The question of being "Ready" or not is a very complicated and diverse question, in most cases, and my view to that scenario is to just go for it. You never know what will happen and so you don't know if you'll enjoy it or not, or in this case, consider yourself "Ready". The only way to find out, respectively, is to just go for it, which I know can and cannot be a bad thing. But I guess, how else would you typically know?

Fair point. Yeah, we never really "know" and, in fact, I'd go so far as to say most people are NEVER *ready* for a relationship. Rather, relationships are organic things. They grow as the people in them grow. That's a good relationship. Right now I'm emailing back and forth every day, sometimes twice a day, with a gay couple that have only been together for less than a year. They've gone through some HELL. I'm not going to gossip so I can't tell you, but suffice it to say it is the kind of stuff that would have broken apart MOST relationships. BUT... that's the point. They are NOT "most"relationships. They truly do love one another and are determined to stick together and HELP ONE ANOTHER GROW through the pain they've both had to endure in their lives. And the acting out that pain produced.

So, yeah, it isn't exactly a matter of being ready or not being ready. It's a matter of having the where-with-all to BE there with and for another human being who is simultaneously BEING there with you. And choosing to be come hell and high water. Mutually.

There's lots of things I ultimately want to do in life that'll give me a huge array of opportunities to meet new people. I've tried online dating before but if nothing good comes out of this current dating thing I'm on I guess I'll take that literally and just go about my life like so.
The only problem with that is, however, is that finding another openly gay guy in the big wide world isn't really that easy. Whereas on gay dating apps/social services there's a whole bunch of communities and people who are effectively just like you, which of course makes everything slightly more easier. I mean I could walk into the center of Melbourne and scream "I'M GAY!", and the odd 5% of people in the crowd around me who are also gay won't even acknowledge their own sexuality and come talking to me.
I mean the odds of that happening anyway are totally ludicrous, gut you get my point.

Yeah, I do. I grew up in a different era. I didn't even know there WERE other gay people in the world until I was 16 years old (see the URL in my signature). You young guys KNOW even before you know what it means, really. You're able to talk with other gay guys all over the world. Look at this forum for one tiny example. So... it is a different social reality than the one I grew up in. This is one of the reasons I hesitate to say much about "dating" at all. Like I said, I haven't in this millennium and don't know that I ever will. Texting and all the stuff that goes on online via Grindr and Hornet, Chatterbate and all that... totally alien to me. I have a sort of weird "sociologists" fascination with it all... but I don't know how to "play" in that arena.

That said, the point is, to me, it is meant to be "played" in. It's like cyber-romper-room for adults (and want-a-be adults). You learn about sex virtually. You get to know someone, possibly even jerk-off with them, without ever touching them, feeling the texture of their skin and hair, or smelling their breath or other body odors. You actually only know an IMAGE of the person... and this may be part of the problem here. I'm not sure. Haven't really thought this through.

...Either way, of course I'd need to discover if they're gay or not at all before I decide if it would be worth posing the 'question' to them. I mean that could result in all sorts of things, negative or positive, but it might not still benefit me.

It's one of the weird thing about being gay. Unless you're not straight in some OBVIOUS way, everyone assumes you ARE straight. Worse, a lot of guys aren't comfortable being fully out for whatever reason. So... yeah... it can get tricky to say the least.

But, again, IDK... are we still talking about "dating"??

Prior to that even calling what you're doing "dating" (to my mind) kind of puts one under pressure. OH... I have to do this right!

Well, no, actually you don't.

You're right. I should just be myself when talking to guys online. Initially in my first post I was mainly just after when would be the right times to say certain things/bring up certain topic, but either way that should all come naturally if I am of course myself.

I understand the impulse to want to do "this" right. We all want to do things "right". But what does that mean exactly? For example, if I have an agenda... lets say I want to get into your pants... if I have that as my end-game, then doing it "right" is doing whatever it takes to make that happen. Welll ... personally I have a bit of a problem with that kind of thinking. I certainly UNDERSTAND that kind of thinking, been there, done that. I also understand those URGES we get.

It just seems to me we all need to ease up a bit. Give ourselves and everyone else a break. It's ok to just hook up with someone. It's ok to have a 'fling' for a few weeks. It's ok to have a FWB. It's ok to meet someone we really enjoy being with and wanting to be with more. It's ok if SOME of the people we enjoy being with are men who are NOT gay. It's ok just to stop being so fucking up-tight and "in control" of everything we do.

Personally I think that the world of LGBT is still very mysterious, in its own ways, so what do any of us know?? :confused:

LOL... Got that right. I've known I was gay for over a half century now and sometimes I feel as clueless as anyone else. Like WTF? The difference is my life is "been there done that" to most things you young men have not. Long term relationships. Breakups. Deaths, even. Two of them in my case. A whole life has been lived in the past half century+. And it ain't over yet. Weary ME!

hahaha