Helping a rape survivor

[kindy64]

Thanks for the words of wisdom.

No, I am not seeing anyone right now, last time I saw a therapist was back in November. Earlier this evening I had already decided that when we get our spending under control I'm going to get back with the last therapist I saw.

I have been reading a few self help books that one therapist had recommended. One of them is about co-dependency, so I certainly understand about the comment about helping versus enabling. I've always felt the need to help others, whether it's regular donations to charitable organizations, with extra money for large disaters, helping friends out, or even just giving money to strangers. I know that not all help is positive in the long run.

Since the end of January I've only purchased alchohol once for us. And that night ended pretty badly, with him throwing things around, yelling at me (because I bottle things up and don't talk,) started throwing his clothes in a pile to leave, and freaking out a girl that was staying with us. He ended up driving her and her boyfriend home that night, and was lucky it was his uncle who pulled him over just to fuck with his head. Other than that he has been fairly sober, and making his therapist appointments.

I understand that in the end, whether he is a victim or survivor is in his hands. As is staying clean. I know he has to want to get better, to stay sober. I haven't pushed to hard on him going to rehab because of that. I know part of his reluctance is that he has history of inpatient treament at a few facilities from when he was younger for cutting and suicide attempts. I remember one comment, when I tried to tell him how a breathing technique often helps with my anxiety, oh, I've done all that, none of it works.

Talking with his therapist sounds like a good idea, though I don't know if he'll go for it.

As far as my motivations go, I want him to be healthy and happy, and for the two of us to have a complete, healthy relationship both emotionally and physically. We've been working on the emotional side of things. We have been communicating more, he wants me to write a list of what I expect out of our relationship (which I'm struggling with,) and we've been enjoying each others company more.

I know there's no time table on healing from pain and suffering, we all do it on our own schedule. I'm just at a loss because I feel so powerless when it comes to helping him with this. And not powerless that I have no control, just that I have no help or advice or anything more I can do for him. And yes, one of my motives is selfish, I want in his pants, and I want him in mine. If that were all I wanted out him he would have been gone a long time ago. I love him and I hate seeing him in pain.

I figured with the depth of experience and compassion here on this forum I'd find some clues about what to do next.