Sexuality and Settling Down

[InbetweenDreams]

There are no rewards in life without risk. I think you might be suffering from a risk deficiency.

To take some chances and deal with the consequences may serve you well. Or it may end in disaster, in which case you limp home to your parents or sister, or live in a shoebox with too many roommates.

That may very well have a lot to do with things. I don't know if risk deficiency is an actual thing but I get what you mean. Might explain why I am the way I am possibly, at least some of it.

I do think that might be on the right track when I think on pretty much everything I have done....even in my childhood. Perhaps it is all anxiety, the worry about bad outcomes, being overly cautious and analytical. I am one to think about (or worry) situations and possible outcomes. At the same time I'm hauling ass down the highway 90+ MPH...the only thing that has worked at getting myself to not drive so fast (one I think trading in for a Prius would help on many accounts having the fuel economy read outs constantly) is watching IIHS crash tests. I have to keep telling myself that is only 40 MPH...think what 100 MPH would do to a car. Anyway, I worry about things and worry about things ending badly. I see myself being far too trusting and far too agreeable with people I hardly know. So perhaps all the worrying and being overly cautious makes up for that but at a fairly steep price. Then again it might be me not acknowledging that I don't want to take certain responsibilities or take the easy way out but maybe that's being too hard on myself.

Part of the reason I never flew the coup is over my mother. She's been ill since I was a kid and there has always been the looming fear that we are going to lose her. Several brain tumors were discovered in 1992 and they didn't expect her to live back then and since she's got many other health complications... It's a long list and no need to dive into details. My dad is kind of the opposite of everyone, he's not one to express emotion, except anger, and at times I've debated whether or not he actually feels empathy, or perhaps he desensitized by everything that has gone on with my mom and just can't do it? I don't know.

One thing for sure is that the 10 or so years I spent getting stoned with friends I could have used to work on all the issues I have now, could have had my own place. I think that pretty much explains it all right there. I know not everyone turns into a burn out because the smoke pot but I did and that's why I needed to stop. In my case it took a trip to the ER to get that moment of clarity otherwise I may have very well been on the same track. I mean when your whole life and paycheck is devoted to finding a bag of weed that's when you have a problem. Everyone who is about my age who smokes weed never see it as a problem while they're living in the basement of their friends house... In hindsight it is clear as day, only the older folks can "hold their smoke." Then again, that's even a mixed bag and I know it isn't exactly right to point my finger and say oh the weed is what got you here...could have been but who really knows. For me though, yeah it was getting out of hand and largely why I didn't do anything in that time frame.

Well I've quit all that and I guess I'm trying to make up for the lost time and who knows. I guess I'm a mess, maybe not of the worst kind but certainly have my issues to work out.

Anyway, this is getting a bit personal. I might have to take [MENTION=20933]LJay[/MENTION] 's advice and start PM-ing folks. I don't mind talking about it but for it to be indexed by Google not sure if I like that. I don't have anything to hide in all this but it might keep me from working for the Fed's lol....