Is it okay to NEVER come out?

[MikeW]

Hi everyone, I'm new here.

I made my decision of never coming out. Yup, never ever ever. The process of directly coming out is just too awkward for me. Plus, when I find that boyfriend of mine in the future, I will be keeping him a big secret so that no one knows we're dating besides maybe a few close friends that I actually trust. My plan was to move out with my future boyfriend, settle in an affordable apartment just for the two of us, and live a happy life together. But when people (especially my family) see us together, I'll just tell them that we're friends from college. It's not like they could ever know, right?!! In other words, I will be living in disguise as a straight guy, but when I pull off the mask I'm actually gay.

Anyways, my siblings already suspects me of being gay but don't seem to mind much at all, but my parents are super conservative and would go crazy if they ever find out about me being gay. As a matter of fact, they still have the old fashion thinking that love should only be between a man and a woman, which I obviously disagree. This is why I'm never coming out. I don't want to disappoint my parents for having a gay son. What's the point of coming out if all I'm gonna get is disapproval? Yeah, there's no point at all.

Might as well just live in secrecy, and I don't mind secrecy.

IDK where you live... but you say this now but I bet you're going to change your tune. There are several reasons for this.

Lets start with the parents: If they're disappointed in you because you're gay, then that is THEIR problem, not yours. Try and wrap your head around that. There's nothing disappointing about being gay. Why should there be? That is THEM making a choice about how they're going to treat their flesh and blood son. For you being a homosexual is not a choice. It is who you are. And if they can't love you for who you are, then they can't love you at all, can they? SO why would you care whether you "disappoint" people who can not love you and accept you for who you are?

You think your BF is going to play this "lets hide who we are" game with you? To protect your family from the truth? Well, maybe you'll find a BF who'll want to do that. Maybe not. But the reality is you're going to discover that relationships have to be based on truth... and trust... Without that there can be no relationship. Seriously, think about that. If there is no truth, what do you have? A relationship between lies, between images of what we "believe is real" not what is actually real.

Living a lie, especially in this day and age, isn't as easy as you think. You think two guys living together aren't going to have people wondering what the relationship is? LOL... what are you two going to do, date girls on the side.... Lead them on, lie to them, pretend you're interested in them when you're not??

All this said.. coming out to one's self, coming out to one's friends, coming out to one's family... it can all happen it steps. What is WAY more important than "coming out" is BEING out. Just be yourself. Be who you are. You don't owe anyone an explanation for your sexuality. Truly, does ANYONE YOU KNOW "explain" their sexual preferences to you? I'll bet not. Fact is, you don't know what their sexual preference is. You just *assume* you do... But you might be 100% wrong. I know for a fact there are a LOT of kinky people out there... and they aren't all gay.

No one here is going to tell you you HAVE to come out. Truly, you don't. But I'll bet anything, the older you get, the more you realize just how *dumb* it is, especially in this day and age, to try and HIDE the truth of yourself. Chances are very high that your family IS going to find out or figure it out someday anyway. So when you're ready you might as well just tell them. "Mom, Dad, I'm gay." SO... then the shit hits the fan. And you say: "I don't owe you or anyone an explanation, any more than you owe me one for the way you are. I'm telling you as a courtesy because you deserve the truth. As for your prejudices, they are your problem to work through, not mine." And then just let them sit with it.

Besides, you might be surprised. They may not know what to do with it at first but if you just continue to BE YOURSELF... the son they love... but do it YOUR WAY... chances are high that eventually they will come around.