Is it okay to NEVER come out?

[meridannight]

While I agree with almost everything said here, I think you're a bit too harsh.

You know what's actually harsh -- waking up at 40 or 50, and realizing you've lived a lie/wasted your life.

[MikeW]

Hi everyone, I'm new here.

I made my decision of never coming out. Yup, never ever ever. The process of directly coming out is just too awkward for me. Plus, when I find that boyfriend of mine in the future, I will be keeping him a big secret so that no one knows we're dating besides maybe a few close friends that I actually trust. My plan was to move out with my future boyfriend, settle in an affordable apartment just for the two of us, and live a happy life together. But when people (especially my family) see us together, I'll just tell them that we're friends from college. It's not like they could ever know, right?!! In other words, I will be living in disguise as a straight guy, but when I pull off the mask I'm actually gay.

Anyways, my siblings already suspects me of being gay but don't seem to mind much at all, but my parents are super conservative and would go crazy if they ever find out about me being gay. As a matter of fact, they still have the old fashion thinking that love should only be between a man and a woman, which I obviously disagree. This is why I'm never coming out. I don't want to disappoint my parents for having a gay son. What's the point of coming out if all I'm gonna get is disapproval? Yeah, there's no point at all.

Might as well just live in secrecy, and I don't mind secrecy.

IDK where you live... but you say this now but I bet you're going to change your tune. There are several reasons for this.

Lets start with the parents: If they're disappointed in you because you're gay, then that is THEIR problem, not yours. Try and wrap your head around that. There's nothing disappointing about being gay. Why should there be? That is THEM making a choice about how they're going to treat their flesh and blood son. For you being a homosexual is not a choice. It is who you are. And if they can't love you for who you are, then they can't love you at all, can they? SO why would you care whether you "disappoint" people who can not love you and accept you for who you are?

You think your BF is going to play this "lets hide who we are" game with you? To protect your family from the truth? Well, maybe you'll find a BF who'll want to do that. Maybe not. But the reality is you're going to discover that relationships have to be based on truth... and trust... Without that there can be no relationship. Seriously, think about that. If there is no truth, what do you have? A relationship between lies, between images of what we "believe is real" not what is actually real.

Living a lie, especially in this day and age, isn't as easy as you think. You think two guys living together aren't going to have people wondering what the relationship is? LOL... what are you two going to do, date girls on the side.... Lead them on, lie to them, pretend you're interested in them when you're not??

All this said.. coming out to one's self, coming out to one's friends, coming out to one's family... it can all happen it steps. What is WAY more important than "coming out" is BEING out. Just be yourself. Be who you are. You don't owe anyone an explanation for your sexuality. Truly, does ANYONE YOU KNOW "explain" their sexual preferences to you? I'll bet not. Fact is, you don't know what their sexual preference is. You just *assume* you do... But you might be 100% wrong. I know for a fact there are a LOT of kinky people out there... and they aren't all gay.

No one here is going to tell you you HAVE to come out. Truly, you don't. But I'll bet anything, the older you get, the more you realize just how *dumb* it is, especially in this day and age, to try and HIDE the truth of yourself. Chances are very high that your family IS going to find out or figure it out someday anyway. So when you're ready you might as well just tell them. "Mom, Dad, I'm gay." SO... then the shit hits the fan. And you say: "I don't owe you or anyone an explanation, any more than you owe me one for the way you are. I'm telling you as a courtesy because you deserve the truth. As for your prejudices, they are your problem to work through, not mine." And then just let them sit with it.

Besides, you might be surprised. They may not know what to do with it at first but if you just continue to BE YOURSELF... the son they love... but do it YOUR WAY... chances are high that eventually they will come around.

[SilverBullet]

I can tell you my choice is be choosy whom I tell, and I can tell you why. Its up to you do decide what to do.
My dad and his side of the family are incredibly conservative and religious. They tell me often the problem in the country is all the queers and America is going to hell for it. Every time gas prices go up, its the devil or Gods retribution. Its to the point I would fear the safety of my significant other to introduce him to my dad and I know I would be ostracized from half my family. Needless to say, they will simply never know and it will cost them a significant portion of my adult life, they will simply miss me.

My mom on the other hand is much more understanding I told her about my significant other at the time, as well as my step dad. I even took my ex several times and everything was golden. So some people can handle it some people cant. and its not like my dad doesn't love me, he just has his own way I guess. I wouldn't even say he loves me conditionally as even if he "never wanted to see me again" I know he would miss me, however he is a man of his own principals and he will do what he see's as right to every iota and if God say's gays are an abomination, well then we are, son or not.

If part of your family is like my dads side, I suggest you keep it to yourself if you love them and want to be able to visit every couple months or so.

[TwisttheLeaf]

It is okay to NEVER come out, [MENTION=23932]MisterLonely[/MENTION], just as it is okay to remain forever lonely.... People will never completely understand you, nor will you be happy (long term) just not being yourself. You have to be very strong inside not to succumb to depression. This feeling could be wearing at you for years and years, but it doesn't mean that you won't get by. My advice would really be not to do this to yourself unless it's a question of life and death, and if you think you can, ultimately, manage to keep your very own secret. But then you might also have to remain single and a 'virgin' all your life. Once you've started a relationship with someone, there's no guarantee that they won't out you (even without wanting to).

^^ This.

*Shrugging* Why do you need to "come out"?

I never "came out". I just never stepped into the closet. There's no need to make some "grand confession" or huge announcement. Just live your life and do what you want and need. Date who you're attracted to, even if it's a guy. Let people come to their own conclusions.

[CorsacReborn]

Hide your sexuality from your family if you feel you must, but know that this can be even harder then then what may happen if they were to find out that you're gay and have hidden it in such a way to them. I'm not saying to have to come out but you will end up unhappy with the constant lying about your life.

You also have no right to ask anyone else to lie about what their existence with you is, If I were ever asked to lie about what I was to my partner I'd consider that reason enough to doubt the relationship. Don't drag other people into your issue with yourself even if you think this won't affect them because it will.

You need to own your life and stop leasing it from other people. Disapproval from people is something that everyone faces in one way or another, its a part of life regardless of who you are.

[InbetweenDreams]

I honestly don't know how I would have dealt with one of my parents being totally against me being gay... When I came out I suspected that my dad would have had freaked out, but he ended up being cool with it. I don't think he likes it but he's ok with it.

Suppose my dad wasn't cool with things, I probably would have been kicked out of the house and well who knows where I would end up...Probably like a few of my ex-friends I used to hang with, they weren't the best quality people. There goes that illusion that we have of having control of things...we don't.

As for coming out. I think there is a time and place one should come out. I have heard some bad stories but the majority of people, even bible thumpers end up being ok with it...

[Gideon]

Never say never...

Karma can step in and bite you right in the ass when you do.

Thing is, this is how you feel right now, in this moment. What's to say that's not going to change ten years from now? Or hell...ten days from now. If you find the right guy, maybe he makes it okay to be gay. Maybe you fall in love with the most amazing man and he can't tolerate being your dirty little secret? You just never know what life is going to throw at you, so making a call like this is kinda like saying you'll never pick up a sandwich off the ground and eat it....One day you might be starving and that sandwich is going to look pretty damn good.

*Winks*

There is also the fact that you came here and -asked- if it was okay not to come out, which leads us to believe that -you- personally don't believe it's okay...or you wouldn't need that justification to make it so...

Just my two cents, mind you. I'm about as secretive as a bull in a china shop. I really suck at it

[knickerbuck]

you have your own life .. but please make sure that you end up happy!! ..

[East]

It is "OK" because it is your life and your path to walk....

I could never do it. I have to be true to myself. Anything less and I would rather be dead.

[Shawn]

Remind us of your situation, [MENTION=23908]Shawn[/MENTION], and why you think you need to keep it a secret?

I'm gonna try to be brief...

I'm from a latin american country, and the general culture of this country (I don't know about others) is to force people to be hypocritical with this kind of feelings, it's well accepted to someone (even if is obviously the 'sissy kind of 'gay) to marry a woman, have some kids etc.. etc... And not, it's not everybody like this but mostly the majority of families are. example my ex came from a muslim family and everybody know he was gay and support him with 'woohoo, you're great, we love you' kind of vibe... he is very lucky, but mostly of the ordinary people (as myself) doesn't have that luckiness... And no, I'm not a Kid, I've a job and also i'm the owner of a business, I'm planning to buy my appartment soon and move there and not tell anyone who doesn't concern about the topic, that's it.