Im not sure if its ok to get a girlfriend

[Camfer]

Doc, a lot of the fight for gay rights in the US has been exactly about what you describe. It's couples who just want to have kids, own a house, celebrate holidays, have the same inheritance rights and hospital visitation rights as any other married couple. Honestly I think you could have that with a man easier than with a woman, because a man could probably share more of your interests inside and outside of the bedroom. Going into a relationship knowing that the sex will never be more than tolerable just sounds so unrealistic.

Have you considered counseling? It sounds like there is a lot under the surface with you that you really want to resolve. With the right therapist I bet an hour's talk session would go by in a flash for you. It appears you've put up a huge amount of walls around yourself to try to suppress aspects of who you are, and then you end up being short-tempered, violent, touch-deprived, unable to cry, and having a secret sexuality. It sounds like you need to talk through a lot of stuff and don't feel you can do that with a friend, so a counselor might be exactly what you need right now.

Your situation is not all that uncommon. It is not hopeless. I think you are looking for an authentic life for yourself, but you internalized a lot of societal pressures/norms that upon investigation you might find don't really work for you. You were smart enough to come on here and get some feedback. So keep at it and see what you can do to work through it all.