feel so insecure i want to kill self

[Shadow]

Ok ... first and foremost it sounds like you've been through a NUMBER of bad experiences at a young age which is obviously not good AT all ... so seeing a bit more about your background makes it considerably more apparent why you would feel so strongly about this type of thing.

Betrayal is one of the most horrible things a person can experience - it's only happened to me once, and I would be happy to never know its sting again ... it's because you trust somebody so completely that you let your guard down, and when they disrespect that confidence and trust and love you have for them, you have no defences against the hurt that comes back to you.

What you CAN do, however, is to look (if possible) at the situation objectively, even if it is through the tears, and say to yourself "I was wronged in this situation - I didn't do anything wrong - I behaved with honour, and I was betrayed". I don't suggest doing this as a way of projecting hatred at the betrayer - their loss is already tangible in their having lost you - somebody that loved them completely and unconditionally ... but rather in trying to stave off the negative feelings that you may have that accompany a betrayal like that.

Your ex CLEARLY did not deserve to be with somebody that loved them as purely as you do, and will, I am sure, ultimately come to see that.

Trust is a fragile concept as it doesn't even have to be broken to be compromised - the THOUGHT of somebody being untrustworthy is sometimes enough, so I personally prefer to try and keep things simple and black-and-white on that score ... I would suggest looking at people with a "I'm willing to take a chance and trust them" mentality, as some people ARE worthy of that chance ... I have made a number of friends through this site, for example, many of whom I trust implicitly ...

Do you have any close friends that you can kick back with and perhaps intimate what's upsetting you to ? I'm assuming (perhaps incorrectly) that as you're in a relationship your closest friends know that you're gay - i.e. you're out ... the reason I ask is that I think if you're finding it much harder when you're on your own, having people that you love and trust around you to be a shoulder you can LITERALLY cry on if you need to is going to be a good thing mile:.

My parting piece of wisdom to you, if you'll permit me, would be a phrase I devised and shared with a friend of mine a little while ago, which is that the past, whether great or awful, cannot be changed - what CAN be done is that you can look at it, learn from the good and the bad alike, and shape your FUTURE into a brighter, stronger and happier place because of it ...

I just hope that doesn't come across as me trivialising any of what's happened to you because I really do sympathise - it hasn't been kind to you of late, so hopefully that's something that can be worked on (not just by us here, but on a NUMBER of fronts) so that we can help you out of this rut mile:.

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!?!?! Shadow !?!?!