feel so insecure i want to kill self

[marshlander]

If he does love you he will support you in your recovery - not think of you as a freak. If he can't do that one important thing he will be stopping you from healing. I'm not passing judgement on his commitment to you, because he may simply find the whole experience overwhelming and not have a clue how to help. Princealbertofb knows what he's on about; he's had to deal with my recurring depression over the years and I could not have wished for better support. I am certain that it is mainly because of him that my own depressive episodes are happening with much less frequency these days and when they do come they do not last anywhere near as long.

I don't have any personal experience with recreational drugs, but I suspect they may not be a good route for you in your present state. If you can summon the energy to see your doctor you will have access to a range of options, but you won't know what those are until you do it. Unfortunately, this is one move where you have to make the effort yourself.

Good luck to you.