Confused about my sexuality

[luke35]

Hi,

I consider myself a straight male, but I am also passive and enjoy it when I am touched and kissed. I am not sure if this means I am gay. I am not attracted to men, but I am attracted to being dominated, caressed etc. by men, especially older men.

Does anyone have similar experiences?

I have had lots of similar experiences.

As others have said the label doesn't matter but I know your feelings and desires very well.

I fancy women but over the years my need for a dominant lover who will compliment my natural passivity has driven a wedge between me and women. Most women need an active lover and desire a tall man. I am niether tall nor active so as much as I desire a female lover I'm just not compatible sexually with most women.

I had one special girlfriend when I was 16 who was physically and mentally stronger than me and liked to bully and dominate me. My time with her was so exciting and the fact that I was being bullied by my girlfriend gave our relationship that much needed forbiden element of secrecy I love so much. She always reminded me of "our secret" which meant the bullying that I willingly suffered at her hands and it made our relationship more exciting and special.

I was a petite lad who didn't go through puberty until I was 19 or 20 and even then it was a slow process so it felt natural for me as a prepubesant boy to be openly submissive and although she was going through puberty she was still young she had yet to conform to societal norms so she let her natural dominant streak meet my natural submissive streak and it was fantastic.

Every single heterosexual relationship I have had since has been a let down.

Once I had gone though puberty and become a man I noticed women avoided the shy passive guys and went for the strong confident guys so I instantly felt pressure to hide my true nature.

Not only because women wouldn't like me but because guys would look down on me if they knew.

Basically women want a man to be strong and active in bed. A 'man' has got to be a "man" after all and society doesn't like a submissive man.

A strong woman or man is to be celebrated and a submissive woman is seen as natural and sexy but sub/passive guys don't seem to fit into the whole heterosexual culture very well

I have had quite a few experiences with guys even though I don't look at guys and find them attractive (unless they are slim, shaved smooth naked and erect) like I do with women my gay encounters are the most exciting sexual encounters because I am allowed to express my feelings of vulnerability in a way I rarely can with a woman.

I know it is a taboo because I was under the age of consent but when I was a boy I seemed to attract guys who wanted to touch me or dominate me so most of my first sexual explorations were with guys. Friends at sleepovers, my neighbour, my friends step brother and a lad I shared a tent with on summer camp. My natural submissivness seemed to attract the attention of other lads in a way that it never did with girls.

Maybe it was because I was such a small and slightly effeminate boy that guys who are all now straight and married or in heterosexual relationships seemed to end up exploring with me. I had at least six gay experiences before I reached puberty and I was always with someone who naturally took the lead.

From my earliest awakenings I naturally gravitated towards passivity. I remember playing doctors and nurses with my friend he would always play the role of a doctor and I would be his patient and have to strip for him and let him examine me.

There were so many levels to those experiences that my heterosexual relationships have lacked.

I remember my friends step brother used to like to show off his naked body to me and then bully me for looking at his body and being gay even though he had instigated the whole thing by showing me his body.

I remember my excitement and feelings of forbiden desire and helplessness when we were alone together in his bedroom and he showed off his body to me and made me admit I wanted to touch his erection then he pulled my hair and called me a gay lord and made me say "I am a gay lord" as I touched his erection and he lay there saying he would hurt me if I told anyone.

Yes these were all very tame and innocent explorations. No fucking but they all had the trademark of me surrendering as the guy took control of me.

There was something so imtimate, forbiden and exciting on so many levels about those experiences that were lacking from all that kissing and cuddling that went on with my early heterosexual explorations.

I remember on my first dates thinking "when is she gonna do something to me?" instead of just sitting there letting me kiss her and touch her I kept waiting for her to pinn me to the bed and start telling me I was hers but it never came. Instead I realised that the girls I was dating were probably thinking the same thing. "When is he gonna do something?"

All of the guys I had gay experiences with wanted our times together kept a secret as much as me so we could really explore and express ourselves without fear of judgement. It was our secret.

Nothing was secret and forbiden about my experiences with girls and instead of that special secret feeling of vulnerable surrender I had the very opposite feelings of the need to kiss well and perform, get hard and stay hard all in the very real knowledge that my heterosexual fumblings would be gossip if I showed my true colours.

Instead of that sensual feeling of secret intimacy tinged with my helplessness that I had with guys I had a very public feeling of pressure to perform and the knowledge that my heterosexual encounters were not secrets but things that my friends would question me about and expect me to be all ladish about. "Yeh mate, I fucked her brains out" when actually I spent the whole night feeling uncomfortable wanting her to take control and do something kinky.

Basically my submissive sexuality is so central to my being that even though I love women and find most guys unatractive I can only really be me with a guy as heterosexual dating excludes my sexuality and it's men not women who want to take control of me.

I know how you feel and if you ever want to chat I can give you my msn address and we can talk.