How do I say goodbye to my loved ones before I commit suicide?

[juk]

I have been living with various problems for many years. I have suffered from severe depression ever since I was a young child. I'm now in my late 20's and all these years I have thought about suicide 2 or 3 times a month at a minimum, and sometimes daily. I tried to treat the depression with medication before and it turned into a huge fiasco. It was like being strung out on drugs and I gained a lot of weight. I ended up feeling worse.

I also have a severe form of mixed apnea, which apparently cannot be treated successfully because I'm now on my third breathing machine and it's not working. Every morning I wake up exhausted. I can't think clearly anymore because I think the apnea is finally taking a toll on me. I can't function at work because I can't do anything well and I'm in a very depressing situation at work anyway. I haven't had morning erections in 10 years and now I can't get hard most of the time during sex anymore. I think I'm also facing prostate problems since I have a weak urine flow and I sometimes have a stabbing pain in that area. My boyfriend is emotionally abusive and likes to try and humiliate me in public. But I don't make enough money to live on my own. I'm almost 30 and still working on my Bachelor's degree and it's exhausting me since I already get very poor sleep. I always feel like a loser because I'm ashamed of my low level job.

I have decided that I'm going to end my life because I don't want to deal with these things anymore. Mental health professionals of course will always say that there is hope. But I've already tried to fix these things. I've tried therapy, antidepressants, sleep therapy, and there's nothing I can do. Maybe if I wasn't so depressed I would have more of a drive to get better but I just don't care anymore.

How do I say goodbye to my family and friends? I want to stress to them that it's not their fault and that I love them and I wish things could be different. I just want to be at peace.

How to say goodbye and leave your friends and family feeling its not their fault...there is no such way. No matter what you say to them they will feel guilt, always wondering 'what if...'

The decision is ultimately yours, however I will respond to each element of what you have written.

Depression - you talk about medication and how that was a bad experience, did you try more than one antidepressant? They are not universally suitable so sometimes it takes trying a few different ones to discover the best for you. Have you tried counselling? You should, it will help. Loss of libido and sexual performance can be a result of depression and the fact you dont get hard is very very likely due to your mental health.

Apnea - if you are not getting any relief you need to go back to the specialist and find an alternative. If 3 machines have failed you it doesnt mean that there are no other options - just push the doctors until you find something that helps.

Prostate - given your age the most likely cause of the pain in your prostate is an infection. It doesnt sound like anything more sinister so why not go to the doctor and get an opinion and some treatment.

The boyfriend - do you really need someone like that in your life? You feel bad about yourself and you have someone who just piles on top of that with humiliating you in public. I understand you cant afford to move, but is it not possible to stay with family or friends until you can afford to get a place? Having a low level job is not something to be ashamed of, you are working hard to pay your way in life and thats far better than sitting doing nothing - plus you are studying hard at a time that your mental health and physical health are making this difficult in order to better yourself - no shame there.

Its your decision, fight through difficulties and enjoy the rewards as the problems are overcome, or take the other option. Where there is life there is hope. Make the right decision.