Can't determine myself, am I or not !

[colinmackay]

I do not ask your to tell me "you are gay" or "you are not gay". all I ask is,
how big influence can have my childhood incident on my subconsciousness ?
my complex about my body, how influent can it be ?

It can be a lot. Childhood experiences can influence us a lot. They can definitely affect how we view our body.

Since this forum is mostly about sexuality, I'm also going to put that element on to it too. I still firmly believe that any broad sexual component is nature, not nurture. While childhood experineces can affect who we are attracted to in some ways, it does not affect our overall sexuality.

You also talk about not having access to certain things in your country, or it would be very difficult. I'm curious as to where you are. It may help people advise you better. Your profile says UK, but I see nothing that is unavailable to you here. Your grammar and spelling suggest USA and again all the facilities that you have mentioned are available to you there (even more so in respect of certain things like therapists)