Finally got around to joning

[Dville118]

]Yeah, most people don't understand my rants. I understand, one's need to keep who you are from people that will be monumentally condemning, because you just don't want the bullshit, rejection, or feelings of depression, etc. I know this. I also know latency... a need to finally stop living a lie and get on with who you are, for the sake of happiness, peace of mind, and self-respect. But what perplexes me, is your statement of "I'm 29.. just found out as of about a year ago (wow.. actually this month..) that I was gay.". You didn't say, coming to terms, ready to admit to myself, or otherwise any thing in the same vein. You said "found out that I was gay" which indicates a sexuality identity given to you by some serendipitous occasion. Which is not true as you have suspected, and struggled with this for years. That is why I loved your intro. I know it is hard coming to terms with your society condemning difference. But, HERE, there is no condemnation. And, therefore you can be honest here. We, will not judge you, unless you ask us too. And, in your intro. it is obvious you find it difficult coming to terms with being a homosexual, so you polished your self-revelation of homosexuality, with less than forthcoming words. I loved it, I found it fascinating!

lol, well I suppose I've had enough time to contemplate it that the final revelation is somewhat downplayed now huh?

my struggle with this was something that flew just below my level of conscious thought. Any feelings I felt or thoughts I had were quickly dismissed if they surfaced to my conscious mind as "sick fantasy" or envy or curiosity. I thought that I was a bad person because my thoughts would drift into such "unpure" things... but I eventually buried it within myself. After highschool I stopped trying to date in any way. Females males nothing.. I was.. asexual. I didn't talk about sex or sexual attractions, do anything that involved it etc. I just focused on my career and my material possessions..

which left me cold and unhappy....

it's not until really that I started meeting new people and moving onto other things that I finally broke free of that and started "living again" of sorts that it really all started to fall in place, and those little puzzle pieces finally formed the big picture to me.

what followed was a few months of shock, fear, horror, even sadness over a perception that something.. in my mind.. had "happened" to me.. I'd crossed the line into realization and I couldn't go back.. despite my conscious mind wanting to very badly.

I literally argued with myself in the mirror about it. I started taking vacations alone, stopped communicating with my friends and family.. I seemed to think I could escape myself... though I knew better.

Sitting staring out at the lake in my dream car hadn't felt fulfilling at all. It wasn't working.. and I knew it. I couldn't escape.. I couldn't drown my thoughts and suppress my realization with material possessions or vacations.. and it was foolish of me to try to do these things.

in reality I don't know what I was running TO.. I was only running from. What life was it that I wanted? Certainly, one would THINK it would the wife and kids thing.. the family man bacon bringer.. but.. I knew I didn't want that life, I've never wanted that life. In the end rational thought outweighed my panicked reaction and managed to calm me, though.. I admit I do occasionally have irrational panic attacks.

They literally come to my mind as "what if you're not gay and you just don't find women attractive and find men attractive?" .... then I can't help but laugh at myself..

I suppose I'm a mental wreck huh?