11-21-2010, 04:46 PM
A lot really depends on what your relationship is like without this unexpected and most unwelcome turn of events. By the sound of it the trust is not as strong as it may once have been and that is perhaps going to be the most difficult thing to get through.
It is possible he may simply be "bi-curious", but for a few of us that is the starting place on a road that leads to an eventual realisation that we are actually gay. That is how it happened for me. Unfortunately, by the time I reached the conclusion that I was not going to grow out of my interest in men I had arrived in middle age and had a wife and a family.
There is a lot of misunderstanding out there about what being gay is all about. Many heterosexual people think it is exclusively about anal sex. That is actually very wide of the mark. It all goes much deeper into our feelings, thoughts and emotions. Any physical act is merely an expression of those deep feelings. He may not have a name for whatever he is feeling and may not even have a vocabulary, let alone be able to face the prospect of talking about it. I don't know whether there are prevailing attitudes against homosexuality in your families, but if there are, it won't have helped. In my case I was brought up a Mormon, where they deny that there is any such creature as a homosexual. They try to tell their faithful that there are only homosexual acts. Under such circumstances we can become experts at self-delusion and spend years trying to kid ourselves that everything's going to be okay, when we haven't a really clue what's waiting for us. When the realisation eventually hits it is an emotional hurricane. It is possible that he is exploring, albeit deceitfully, what is really going on for him because once he finds the words to talk to you about it nothing will ever be the same again. In my own case I felt I needed to be sure what was happening to me, before I created the inevitable chaos that was bound to follow any revelation that I had got myself all wrong and was not the man I always assumed I was. I am not proud of the way I went about that.
Whatever happens you are now where you are and you have a few choices. By the way you have worded your messages you are not going to be satisfied until he spills the beans. I think you already know what he might say if he ever finds the words.
I think you are right to begin to be thinking about what might be your options. It may be that you have to face a different future from the one you expected to have with him. You can't get at the truth from making assumptions about him, so at some point you are going to need to have a discussion. This comes back to the kind of relationship you have outside of this huge distraction. Could you face the prospect of living with a man you can no longer trust? If the trust can be restored could you come to some agreement while he works all this out? Very few women would be able to be so tolerant of a partner doing this I suspect. For a start this means putting your own plans on hold while he decides what he is and what he needs in his life. The road doesn't have to lead to separation, but we are only human and, for most of us, the realisation of incompatible sexualities will lead to the pair of you pulling further apart until one of you decides enough is enough.
Good luck with whatever you do next. Whatever comes out of this is going to be very difficult for a while to come.
It is possible he may simply be "bi-curious", but for a few of us that is the starting place on a road that leads to an eventual realisation that we are actually gay. That is how it happened for me. Unfortunately, by the time I reached the conclusion that I was not going to grow out of my interest in men I had arrived in middle age and had a wife and a family.
There is a lot of misunderstanding out there about what being gay is all about. Many heterosexual people think it is exclusively about anal sex. That is actually very wide of the mark. It all goes much deeper into our feelings, thoughts and emotions. Any physical act is merely an expression of those deep feelings. He may not have a name for whatever he is feeling and may not even have a vocabulary, let alone be able to face the prospect of talking about it. I don't know whether there are prevailing attitudes against homosexuality in your families, but if there are, it won't have helped. In my case I was brought up a Mormon, where they deny that there is any such creature as a homosexual. They try to tell their faithful that there are only homosexual acts. Under such circumstances we can become experts at self-delusion and spend years trying to kid ourselves that everything's going to be okay, when we haven't a really clue what's waiting for us. When the realisation eventually hits it is an emotional hurricane. It is possible that he is exploring, albeit deceitfully, what is really going on for him because once he finds the words to talk to you about it nothing will ever be the same again. In my own case I felt I needed to be sure what was happening to me, before I created the inevitable chaos that was bound to follow any revelation that I had got myself all wrong and was not the man I always assumed I was. I am not proud of the way I went about that.
Whatever happens you are now where you are and you have a few choices. By the way you have worded your messages you are not going to be satisfied until he spills the beans. I think you already know what he might say if he ever finds the words.
I think you are right to begin to be thinking about what might be your options. It may be that you have to face a different future from the one you expected to have with him. You can't get at the truth from making assumptions about him, so at some point you are going to need to have a discussion. This comes back to the kind of relationship you have outside of this huge distraction. Could you face the prospect of living with a man you can no longer trust? If the trust can be restored could you come to some agreement while he works all this out? Very few women would be able to be so tolerant of a partner doing this I suspect. For a start this means putting your own plans on hold while he decides what he is and what he needs in his life. The road doesn't have to lead to separation, but we are only human and, for most of us, the realisation of incompatible sexualities will lead to the pair of you pulling further apart until one of you decides enough is enough.
Good luck with whatever you do next. Whatever comes out of this is going to be very difficult for a while to come.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
