Though this would be easy

[dlboy53]

I'm not sure if its the holidays or if its just me,but I think its more me. today has been a read emotional day for me. I though that by excepting who and what I am that things would be easier in life. But instead it has made me a basket case. All i can think of is that I have this dirty little secrete that I'm hiding from people that I have grown to love because the treat me like I'm part of their family and I don't want to lose that, but at the same time I feel like I'm lying to them when the see that I'm sad and lonely.

Just to help clarify things, this group of people have strong religious beliefs and follow the bible well so they don't believe that being gay is right but a sin in Gods eyes and not to mention once in a while hear the topic come up in different conversations and all not good either.

So today I went to the LGBT center but was greeted with disappointment because on one was there. So I headed out to my church because we where having Thanksgiving dinner as a church tonight, which was awesome, Then we started give thanks and praises and I gave mine, but while I was looking in the eyes of everyone I started to cry knowing that if they only knew what I was really hiding that I would lose the last group of friend/ family and would truly be alone in this world.

I spent most of my life denying that I was gay and was hopping that it was just a phase, but it had to grow stronger and stronger every time I surprised it. now after almost 40 years I decided to give in to the feeling and except them, and sense then I have been nothing but sad and alone with no one to talk to or hold me in their arms and tell that it alright. It does help to write this down but it does not take away the sting. I am so tired of this feeling of being alone and know one really to talk to. I'm not sure if I'm looking for help or advise, all I know is that I'm even more confused now and at a breaking point.