Though this would be easy

[pellaz]

I'm not sure if its the holidays or if its just me

sorry its not you and IT IS THE HOLIDAYS.

All i can think of is that I have this dirty little secrete that I'm hiding from people

-being gay is not dirty.
-we all have secrets and the truth is always an individual convolution.

Just to help clarify things, this group of people have strong religious beliefs and follow the bible well so they don't believe that being gay is right but a sin in Gods eyes and not to mention

-there are options for gays with belief. seek out a gay christian ministry near by to where you live. In Denver its dignityusa.org
from what you are saying its time to move on in your religion department.

... now after almost 40 years I decided to give in t ...I have been nothing but sad and alone ... I am so tired of this feeling of being alone and know one really to talk to. I'm not sure if I'm looking for help or advise, all I know is that I'm even more confused now and at a breaking point.

you sound kind and aware. i am sure you will meet quite a few people but you need to give it some time. A friendship is started by a random act of kindness and communication. It has to happen inside two people simultaneously. Not a likely event since both people have to say YES. We are living in such a wonderful time. Never before could the one world have been expressed as only 6degrees of separation. And a NYTimes article, see this link, expresses even lower number! You will meet smart people, straight people and horrible corrupt clowns but they all will have something in common; you will meet the people they know too. So ever so important to say YES to another excess.
I tend to be goofy but serious I went through the some of the same things. Hang in there through the holidays, distract yourself with things that are lasting and positive. Your not as alone as i was.