A silent prayer to die

[Pix]

From something I recorded just after it happened on Dec 18, 2005:

I had gotten off the comp this morn when a friend that I had just emailed a few minutes before called (since she knew I was up). She wanted us to go surfing with them. Having just gotten over a flu, I was thinking of saying no, but my roomie really wanted to go, so I agreed.

I am so glad for that.

We surfed as normal and the lingering depression and such from fighting off the flu was banished and I really enjoyed myself and the company. The morn was cloudy, but it was still beautiful, with fog in the distant hills, and the ocean itself vanishing off into the distant mists. There was rain, but it was very light--I'm not even sure it counts as rain. And hardly matters when you're in a wetsuit anyway.

And then the wind picked up. Friends had a wonderful idea, to try windsurfing. This was interesting, and I wasn't sure about it, having never done it before. When I finally tried, it took me some minutes just to not fall over, though they said I picked it up really fast. It was difficult because I had to hold my feet differently, and dealing with the harness. But at some point, WHOOSH, the SPEED! I couldn't help it: I screamed with joy, and I was SO glad we had come.

And then the sun broke through.... not direct, but close. The water turned from gray to aqua, and I was suddenly recalling when I was like 6-10, how I'd get up before Mom & Dad (and often before dawn back then) and go outside and explore, play, go to friend's houses.... I felt so free and there was a stark beauty to life that I rarely feel (at least sober) since I guess I became a teen. And then I surpassed even that, and I reached a state that was nothing less than ecstasy, I'd say on par (though distinct and different in its own way) to mindaltering dancing or sex, and perhaps even more fulfilling in its own way.

If there was any doubt about fighting to survive the dark times in my life, it was dispelled at this moment of utter beauty in which I lived totally within this miraculous moment, my shout and my heart praising the Goddess of Life and for this moment in Life, one that was worth every horror and ache I had endured just to be here. Tears came down my face (just a few), and I knew that when I die, should my life flash before my eyes, this exact moment will be replayed, and if it affects my body at all, I will smile then, at peace, knowing it was all worth it in part to this one ineffable moment.

What else is there to say? My cold seemed to come back but it went away again, and it was hardly even noted (at least not by me--and we were all wet enough anyway). I found out that the wind was LIGHT (like how fast would I have gone in a HIGH wind???) Because we messed with the boards (including the beginner board I had borrowed), we failed to miss the churches getting out and ended up eating at a Pizza Hut for awhile to give the traffic a chance to die down more.

Now I am home. I've showered, dishes are now washing, warms are washing and hots are drying. Today was awesome, and I'm sharing. If you get a chance to try something new like that, and to be out in nature in a way that helps you to fuse with it, if just for a moment, then avail yourself of the moment. If more people did, psychiatry would be an endangered profession.

As the Wiccans say, Blessed Be (it seems appropiate to now).