Feeling like crap.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I'm going to be (very) mean and somewhat sarcastic.

Yes you are right, few people will miss you. However those that do will enjoy the period of morning, they will get to wear fancy black clothing and throw pity parties. Take time off from work/school and get a lot of attention focused on them. hopefully you are Irish, three days of song and drink - the Irish know how to wake.

And true, no transgendered every got anywhere in life. Well except the 127 listed here: http://www.ranker.com/list/list-of-famou...nd-lesbian And those are just the famous ones, I'm willing to bet that there is at least three others who have their own successful business, or are a doctor or a lawyer. Only three, my goodness, I can't imagine any more transgendered folk being really able to do much.

But they don't count, they aren't really transgendered - they are different, they are special, they didn't have to face the same obstacles you face. Right?

And true, the LGBT community is still bashed, the beatings never end, we have no rights and never will have rights. Aside from those minor legal and social changes over the past 50 years - but those don't count because.....?

I don't want to grow up and be an adult. Fine - Don't grow up and be an adult. Be immature, be childish, be irresponsible - no one will hold a gun to your head and make you an adult. You don't have to get a job, plenty of people out there don't work. Of course they don't have a roof over their head, but to be honest (since I was in the charity industry for so many years) many of them DO NOT want a home, DO NOT want a Job, and like - really, truly like the freedom of being on the street homeless.

You can do that - if you want. It's a free country. Be all you can be, or be nothing - freedom to do either.

Honestly you are being a selfish little child. Suicide it the ultimate in selfish acts.

I did it - sure they resuscitated me, but I did the deed, was dead for several minutes. It was a selfish, childish act that I am not proud of. It wasn't until I got out of hospital that I realized how many people it did affect. I thought I felt like crap when I was gulping down the pills and alcohol - Trust me I felt like a total shit bag waste of space after the dirty deed.

Every time you come here its to 'rant' at us and threaten us with 'I'm going to kill myself.'

You're cruel. Why do you enjoy hurting us so? What sick pleasure do you get from coming here and threatening us with suicide to make us worry and cause us to dig deep for comforting words and hope we say something that will make you live?

Do you know how hard it is to come up with something NICE to say about life? Do you understand how difficult it is to say 'well there is _________________ to look forward to'? Because usually we draw a blank when trying to fill in the blank because the reality is we don't know what you have to look forward to in your life.

I have three decades of life on you and to be perfectly honest - life sucks.

Life sucks - A LOT. Its full of pain and sorry, misery, grief - did I mention pain? There is major disappointments, and minor ones. If the crushing debt doesn't get you then the tax collectors will. If its not money its health issues, if its not health issues its high crime rates, if its not high crime rates is disgusting politicians stealing your rights (and money).

Few of us get a job we like - we go to the same cubical day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year for 40-50 years of slavery doing something where peeling our skin off with a dull butter knife sounds like more fun.

Life, in general, sucks.

But.

There are about a dozen fleeting moments in our lives that make it all worth the while. Be it that partner, that child, that moment of inspiration and hope. Whatever.

Mingled in the general crappiness of life there are tears of joy, there are smiles and giggles, there are moments where your heart soars.

I have no idea what your soaring joyful moments will be. My crystal ball broke and I can no longer see anyone's future, not even my own. But there are moments - we all get them, we all have them. And most of those 'happy moments' are only happy to us.

After all if I told you that yesterday while I was cleaning leaves out the pool I looked up at the giant oak tree that dropped all of these leaves and I noticed the wonderful contrast of the near black branches and twigs against the brilliant near white sky. There I was, standing with my head leaning way back staring at the branches and I started laughing. Why was I laughing - I don't know.

Sound like a happy moment to you or do I sound like I am daft, bonkers, not boosting on all thrusters, a few shy of a six pack, lost my marbles - crazy - insane??????

My heart was light and glad - yes the rest of the day I spent popping darvocet and moaning and groaning each time I moved because the past week I spent hanging drywall. But for all of that pain and misery there was a moment - an all too brief moment when I was truly happy.

It is those moments that make life worth living. They come, oh once a week, once a month - maybe only once a year.