Feeling like crap.

[mrk2010]

I have mixed feelings about it.

For me there was no bright light at the end of a tunnel.... nor for that matter flames and pitch-forks. There was nothing. Most people who die report something on the other side, either it scares the crap out of them and they reform, or it inspires them to do more 'good works'.

I wasn't treated to a light show, nor flames nor anything to scare, inspire, reform, give me a clue, buy me a vowel to figure out the whole 'this is life' thing. God cheated me of an easy road - again.

To me it was basically 'more of the same' before and after death. Except after about two years of being dead (emotionally) and living in the dark (literally and figuratively) I finally got a proper diagnoses which lead to real therapies that worked to stem the melancholia of winter and the summer mania.

Through the past 17 years I have had my ups and downs. Some events make me glad to be alive and 'thankful' for those heroic ER doctors who resuscitated me, then there are events when I am resentful and wish those meddlesome doctors would have saved their black magics for someone else.

2 years after my demise, I met my current partner and we have been together ever since. (15 years - yay) . I also relocated from the big shitty, erm, city to a nice rural patch of ground where I have two acres of woodland to play in.

I finally put the final nail in using my degrees and papers to work on and sent into construction and became my own boss - general contractor, doing something I like to do and often love to do. To mix metaphorical critters here, like a dwarf I usually whistle while I work, true contentment with the problem solving, wood working and crafting things with my hands - something that I didn't feel doing other things - pushing papers, dealing with other people's problems, working for others.

I got clean and sober.

I finally grew the balls to put real distance between me and my sicker parents. I haven't so much as sent a Christmas card to either in nearly 10 years and you know what, I feel OK about that.

So I stopped seeking their approval, stopped seeking their love (something they are unable to give), I stopped playing their mind games and live my own life.

I buried a lot of hatches, axes and other things - resolved issues that at the time of my death were unresolved.

Did my death spurn me to do these things? I do not think so. Extended life gave me the opportunity to do things that I wouldn't have done if those ER doctors didn't bother to resuscitate.

I do not see myself more appreciative of life after than before death. Death was pretty much just a low point - I hit bottom - I guess you can't bottom out more than your own death :biggrin:.

I have to say, I admire and respect your blunt honesty in your posts Bowyn. Just wow. :-)