Hello all,
In about 4 years time i will be beginning my adoption plans as i want to have experience of looking after a child and having someone to leave my home to when i die and help lead a happy life... Now I was ov er my friends place yesterday and he collected his son who is 2 1/2 and as soon as he got into his dads home he stood in the room and began crying and my friend shouted Dont start this you do it everytime now go and sit down and say hello to X (hisa wife).. I felt thisdd was a little too strong and during the evening when we all went out to the kitchen to smoke i finished the cigarette first and walked back in the room to find him standing there is floods of tears... Now he didnt know me and i just opened my arms and asked if he wanted a hug and he walked over and buried his head into my shirt and cried and my friend tyold med that i shouldnt do this... I felt really offended because I couldnt just sit there and watch some poor child crying and being told to get a grip....
Well today i went over my friends place and he told his son to stop crying again when he refused to give him a cuddle and walked out... I saw his son standing in the corner holding a toy and tears rolling down his cheeks and felt so fucking sorry for him... I was feeling angry at my friend for doing this to his son so i went out to him and demanded he go and talk to his son and give him a hug and he said No this is what his mother has done by making him such an insecure child... I told him it isnt hjis sons fault he is like this and feel that he reacted over the top so he told me its how he was bought up....
Do you guys feel its right to bring your child up the way you was raised despite seeing them suffering as a result???? Whats your views on this because ive thought about it alot today and it has upset me inside at how a father can refuse to hug his child who is standing in a corner feeling very depressed and insecure?
Kindest regards
zeon
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This is just so terrible. So his parents are divorced? He is just so young to be treated like this. Well, I guess we are never too old to get hug.
this sounds like a psychical abuse to me *sad*
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Dads, especially straight "macho" ones, tend not to be emotionally there for their son's especially. I never grew up with my father, but my mom's brother (uncle) was my male role model. He was very tough on me and roughed me up and what not. I suppose thats why I'm a tough person (I really am, only when I need to be).
His father wasn't there for him, and when he realised this, he became hyper masculine, feeling like he had to be the "man" of the house, cause it was just him,my mom and my grandmother. He never had a male role model at all, but had plenty of guy friends. He grew up perfectly fine (few troubles here and there) and is now a proud father of two, adorable :biggrin: sons.
When I was younger, he was still growing as a man, so would use his "dad" voice, which is basically the booming deep voice that basically scares the crap out of the children, to make sure I did things. I didn't like it, but he would always tell me it was to help me and would joking tap me on the shoulder (which hurt, cause he was much bigger than me). He was very tough on me, like your friend is to his son, but we always were buddies afterward, playing video games and play fighting.
It depends on the way the person was raised, father or no father/ mother or no mother, but it definetly contributes to how they turn out. Especially for males, mothers are important to help balance out their emotional side (even thought they don't show it) and fathers are important for females, as it helps to balance them out and to show them how a man is supposed to treat them (well, if they are straight), depending on how they treat their mom.
All people are different, for different reasons, and will do what they consider is best for their child. He may come to regret it later on in life, but he's doing what will make his son a better person, however morally injust it seems to you. It may be hard to watch, it may even be the wrong thing to do, but through trial and error, we all end up the way we are now and there is no "guide to perfect parenting", it's a learning process.
Just don't try to overule the dad, cause that would give the child mix messages and wouldn't help him in the long run. You can comfort him, but don't tell him things like what his dad is doing to his is wrong, or that his dad is being mean, cause that will only make him more dis-respectful to his dad, and could possibly turn out just like him. My brother (2nd eldest one, who's going 15) is a product of something like this. His step-father would try to discipline him and his mother would overule it/contradict it and now, not only does my brother not like his step-dad, but doesn't respect authority at all (except mine, because he has no choice with me, but he has his moments).
Good luck 
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Bless your heart Aunty , you are such a wonderful caring man.
You brought so much comfort to that little one with a hug.
You are going to make an awesome parent.
As to your question , I did not raise my boys the way I was raised.
My father was a control freak , dress for dinner , children should be seen and not heard, only speak when your spoken to , private schools , picking our friends etc...........................
I raised my two boys completely different , I raised them to speak their mind , never put on pretenses, they are both very polite young men, that are full of confidence and know they are loved unconditionally.
Apologize when you are wrong , own your mistakes and learn from them.
Public schools , no dressing for dinner, we always talk about our day at dinner time.
I do not believe that you can love a child too much, that is utter nonsense , my boys are spoiled rotten with love ,not materialism.
My kitchen is our talk zone as well as a learning base.
Both my boys love sitting on a counter and talking to me , or helping me cook.
I made sure they could have as many pets as they wanted within reason , my father did not believe in pets.
Believe it or not this helped them care and gave them responsibilities , it also gave them life skills.
My husband and I have always volunteered a certain amount of time to the needy , we always took the boys with us , they loved it and still do love doing it.
They have never looked down on a homeless person and never will .
Although we are Pagan , we still respect Jesus , both boys were christened just in case they wanted to follow Christendom.
Parenthood is a funny thing , you are totally responsible for another person, not an extension of you , but a whole different person.
The responsibility is huge the rewards are priceless.
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Rainbowmum Wrote:Bless your heart Aunty , you are such a wonderful caring man.
You brought so much comfort to that little one with a hug.
You are going to make an awesome parent.
As to your question , I did not raise my boys the way I was raised.
My father was a control freak , dress for dinner , children should be seen and not heard, only speak when your spoken to , private schools , picking our friends etc...........................
I raised my two boys completely different , I raised them to speak their mind , never put on pretenses, they are both very polite young men, that are full of confidence and know they are loved unconditionally.
Apologize when you are wrong , own your mistakes and learn from them.
Public schools , no dressing for dinner, we always talk about our day at dinner time.
I do not believe that you can love a child too much, that is utter nonsense , my boys are spoiled rotten with love ,not materialism.
My kitchen is our talk zone as well as a learning base.
Both my boys love sitting on a counter and talking to me , or helping me cook.
I made sure they could have as many pets as they wanted within reason , my father did not believe in pets.
Believe it or not this helped them care and gave them responsibilities , it also gave them life skills.
My husband and I have always volunteered a certain amount of time to the needy , we always took the boys with us , they loved it and still do love doing it.
They have never looked down on a homeless person and never will .
Although we are Pagan , we still respect Jesus , both boys were christened just in case they wanted to follow Christendom.
Parenthood is a funny thing , you are totally responsible for another person, not an extension of you , but a whole different person.
The responsibility is huge the rewards are priceless.
Adopt me Rainbowmum? :3  j/k
I agree with Rainbowmum, she makes valid points. Plus she's a mom with experience, so I suppose that helps a little... :biggrin: .
Although, I still think you're friend probably went through what my uncle went through and probably didn't come out on top. You should sit down and talk with him and not just a "don't do that to him" or "why do you keep doing that to him, when it makes him upset" talk, a real long conversation and maybe you can help him "see the light". .
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2 and a half is too young to expect him to "man up." And I don't think "coddling" him would make him insecure because knowing there are people who love you and will help you inspires security, not insecurity. Once he feels secure enough THEN he can--and will likely do so without encouragement--learn independence.
It's also potentially dangerous. While I know many fathers with this philosophy mean well and think they're acting in the boy's best interest , boys have been beaten to death as young as 1 or 2 years old because the dad was trying to "toughen them up" by beating them or making them play dangerous games (and I'm disturbed when a father tells a son to beat up dolls and toys as happens). Serious injuries and deaths only rarely happen but I'm always worried about things like that when a father displays that philosophy. And there are even moms who worry about their boys being sissies as well as their dads, so feminine boys (regardless of orientation) are at the most risk for such abuse (and possibly death, and that's not including driving them to suicide).
Actually, I'm a girl and a woman used a variant of that philosophy with me. When I was 4 she decided to teach me how to swim by putting a life preserver on me and then throwing me as far as she could into a lake and then walked off to look after other kids. I cried and thrashed in panic for awhile before I calmed down and her process did work, though it didn't help me trust adults. However, the preserver was very heavy (for me at 4 anyway) and at times it held my head underwater (normally I'd kick my legs really hard until I was right side up but once I had to be saved by an adult), so I could've drowned as she wasn't watching me closely at all.
When I teach a small child to swim I'll be beside him or her the entire time and s/he will know it, and if the child cries then I'll figure I've done something wrong and need to slow down, not that s/he needs to toughen up.
And I know well the difference between comforting a crying child and treating a child like a china doll at all times. I wish more people could tell the difference as well.
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Parenting; everyone is the expert.
There are no do's and dont's and nothing is guaranteed to have an expected outcome.
you plan to adopt, good for you, in a straight relationship i have a daughter.
-If there exists any tiny small indecision on your part i would skip it and move on with something else.
there is a lot of development in a child's pre school years. A good time to pay attention to every detail.
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pellaz Wrote:Parenting; everyone is the expert.
There are no do's and dont's and nothing is guaranteed to have an expected outcome.
you plan to adopt, good for you, in a straight relationship i have a daughter.
-If there exists any tiny small indecision on your part i would skip it and move on with something else.
there is a lot of development in a child's pre school years. A good time to pay attention to every detail.
Very blunt Pellaz :biggrin: .
Did you and your current partner raise your daughter? Or was she raised when you were with her mom?
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QueenOdi Wrote:she raised when you were with her mom? yes from a straight relationship
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Oh, I see. Would've been interesting to hear how a child would be raised from two guys, first hand atleast. It's possible, but I want to hear a real life account and not one from T.V/news. :tongue:
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